To be angry with my parents telling me that my children are "wild and out of control"?

[Traceymac2]

I am a mum to 3 girls of 17 wks, 2 yrs and 4 yrs. I no longer live in the UK so don't see my family very often.
My dh has been away on a business trip for the last 2 wks so my parents came to help me with my dd's, they also haven't seen them for nearly a year.
The night before they were due to leave my mother told me that my dd's were wild and out of control and that i need to do something about it. I became very upset by this, it is simply not true. My dd1 can be a bit stroppy and challenging at times of late, usually when she is tired or bored. My 2 yr old also can be stroppy when tired, can be quite stubborn if she doesnt want to do something and they do fight over toys which often ends in tears. These behaviours don't happen all of the time and they both have very endearing aspects to their personalities too. To me this is normal behaviour of children of this age, they are no different to my friends dcs from what I can see. I said that it is not acceptable to say such things to me about my children. She told me it needed to be said. I disagreed and she told me she would tell anyone the same if necessary. They said that they are already acting like unruly teenagers and that my skills as a parent need to be questioned. I feel like they have labelled them as "bad" and thats it. My father was very authoritarian in his approach to parenting, neither myself or my siblings have good memories of him from our childhood. He shouted at my 4 dd on this visit to "stop behaving like an animal" when she held a piece of plain spagetti against the wall in a cafe. Ok she shouldn't have done it but I simply will not speak to them like this. I am not an absent parent by any means but I don't them living in fear of me. The upshot of all of this was that they decided to leave there and then, a day early stating they were no longer welcome. I haven't spoken to them since as I am so upset with them and I am not sure that this can be resolved as I feel they have gone to far this time. Am I being unreasonable?

By all means take what they say with a pinch of salt but something about your posts smacks of "but that's their age" age is never a defence for bad behaviour.

Cutting out your parents may be better for your children but also taking heed from them might be better for your children too.

is wild and out of control. Running around, hitting, talking back, not obeying, being rude, disrespecting other persons properties. Not sure if your parents are being r or ur, would need more descriptions of the "wild out of control" behavior to say.

Your parents sound like they have unrealistic expectations of small children, hence the clash, I would keep doing as you are and enjoy the thought that your children will have happy childhood memories unlike your bad ones of your dad.

They are entitled to their opinion as you are to yours. Your kids sound ok to me- 2 and 4 do behave like this and wind each other up. Also, if the behaviour at the restaurant was a one off, the kids could have sensed your being uptight about behaviour and reacted:) as long as you stop them... Plus at 2 and 4 it's hard to control 2 kids who are excited with 2 disproving adults watching.

If their parenting is different to yours then there will be issues. I don't slap either so have had to drop a friend who does- she is lovely but way too handy for me and it's always so awful- slapping and screaming.

You could have handled it differently as it was only a day to go- just said yes they have been a handful! But it's easy to say that now. They see a snapshot if the kids and worry they will be wayward teens . Who knows?!!!

I would call them, ask if they are ok, and just manage the conversation. It would be a shame for your kids perhaps to lose contact. If she mentions it , say the kids thought it was sad they left, and when will they send the photos?

Do not stay with them when you go back to the uk unless they have a massive house and garden. Plus a cleaner. And you have a car.

Poor you.. that's the trouble with living abroad , family visits are always way too long. We emigrated and my parents would come to visit and just sit around watching and judging like we were some kind of disfunctional fly on the wall tv show for their entertainment. I learnt to never invite them when Dh was working away as the stress of them judging my kids far outweighed the benefits.
Your parents have probably forgotten what its like to have young kids , were away from their own comfort zone and felt they were being helpful with their criticisms.

Tell yourself that your parenting skills are fine and that you will be the one to judge if they are not and move on . Forgive your parents making mental note to never ask for their help in this way agaiin and limmit their visits to no more than 3 days max in future

It's really hard to say who is being unreasonable without seeing the behaviour in context.

If your lunch was dominated by managing the children's behaviour to the point of being unable to have a decent conversation your parents have a point.

This also applies if your children were shouting, constantly interrupting adults for the sake of it, playing around with their food for more than a few seconds, standing on their chairs, getting up and running around, helping themselves to things they shouldn't or wiping messy hands on furniture/walls/people.

If they were sitting fairly quietly, joining in conversations appropriately, for the most part eating politely and doing what they were asked, the spaghetti on the wall was an isolated incident and you only had to threaten to leave once to stop the behaviour, they do not have a point. Your DD may not have known that hold a piece of spaghetti against a wall in unacceptable if she has never needed to be told before. If she was attention seeking, already knew it was unacceptable and continued to do it despite warnings that is different.

A baby and two pre-schoolers must be quite a handful and I imagine if you're not used to it they can be quite exhausting. That is the nature of children that age.

If your parents have watched your children ignore you, be rude, disobey you and get away with it I would imagine they are very frustrated, not least on your behalf. If your children listen to you and respond because you are reasonable in your expectations of their behaviour, give praise and warnings and follow the warnings with sanctions calmly and consistently then your parents are being unfair.

I think if you sit and ponder what your parents saw happening you should be able to answer your own question.

Goldmandra

You have described it perfectly - especially the behaviour at the dining table, whether in public or at home.

My children are 2 yo twins and a 5 yo, I would find a cafe hard work on my own or with parents who were not helping me out. It may not be due to them playing up, its imply logistics, making sure that they have their food, drink, cutting it up if required etc plus keeping them occupied with books, drawing etc. If one hten misbehaves, that needs to be dealt with and it is hard work. If you parents are authoritarian they may expect that the children sit quietly while the parents talk. That wouldn't be my idea of a nice family lunch. They may have different expectations as to what the proper behaviour is.

As others have said only you can judge your childrens behaviour, I am going to judge your parents though, telling a 4 yo that they are behaving like an animal is unacceptable, there are much better ways of dealing with it. Walking out like children themselves after dropping a bomb like that on you? Very childish. Have a good hard look at how your children behave, but given your parents history I'd probably ignore their comments. They aren't the best role models.

My children were 3/4 when they learned not to interrupt an adult conversation without saying, "Excuse me." I would then attend to them as soon as I could and they had learned to be patient enough to wait because they knew that I would get to them.

They were never allowed to run ran riot in a restaurant either.

Where does it say the kids "ran riot", I seem to have missed it.

Three kids of 4, 3 and 17 weeks.

Christ on a bike I think the OP deserves a standing ovation foe even considering a sit down meal in a cafe in the first place!

oh fgs obviously they are unreasonable. your children sound fab, your expectations normal which is great in view of your own childhood.

even if your children were really hard work and some weeks children are...yours are little...your parents were horrid.

Bet your parents often left you feeling like something good had been ruined by their criticisms. sounds like dh has your back.

I should have worded it differently. The OP's mother told her that her dd's were wild and out of control so 'running riot' is just a synonym.

There must have been more to it than just spaghetti on the wall.

I would OP was abnormal if she didn't feel angry to hear that. Even if it had an ounce of truth in it (which I don't think it does, well no more than in any family with small children). Are they always that critical?

rulebrittania I do not agree that there must have been more to it given the background the OP has offered with regard to her parents.

3 kids under the age of 4, sit down meal, elderly authoritarian parents, siblings who do not speak to the parents because of issues in childhood, DH who had reservations from the start and said so to the OP

Vs

A four year old sticking a piece of spaghetti to the wall of a cafe and being called an animal by her Grandfather.

Yes there is bad behaviour here but it's not the kids!

YANBU to be upset. I t was a very hutful thing to say.
I , and nobody on here, can judge whether your children are out of control becuase we don't know them obviously.
The problem I think is that they came for too long, they have forgotten what small children are like and not as young as they were.The combination of these 3 factors culminated in your parents getting very tired and stressed by the unrelenting reality of it all.Everyone has theior breaking point and says things they wish they hadn't said.
Give it a while, let things blow over and draw a line under it and move on.

I don't believe there is more than just spaghetti on the wall. Op's dad sounds like the dad of one of my friends.

When we were kids, he was authoritarian and expected that all children sat silently for meals, and that included visiting friends, ie me and others. anything that deviated from that was simply not tolerated, and I rarely went there as I didn't want to get shouted at. My mum heard about the shouting and stopped me going after that.

Given that OP's siblings have little contact, I'm more inclined to believe thather DCs are perfectly normal and it's her dad with the problem.

Are you sure you can be objective enough to say they're wrong? Maybe they are far removed enough to see things you can't. Tbh, "holding a piece of spaghetti against a wall in a restaurant" sounds like something I'd consider being badly behaved, and I can understand them commenting?

YANBU.

Your kids your rules, your house your rules.

I think your parents were being judgey and rude.

I wouldn't contact them, let them apologise when the time is right. Who are they to judge you on your parenting, you have unhappy memories of their parenting choices.

I can't fathom why posters don't believe the op, post about awful experiences, horrid husbands, mean co-workers and everyone rightly gives support but post that your pre school children are normally well behaved and the collective teeth sucking is fierce.

Your parents sound best kept at a distance.

Is it possible that while within the cultural norms of where you live, the kids behavoirs and your reactions to said behavoirs is out of step with the cultural norms of your parents ?

Not to mention their generation also had a quite different yardstick that they may be using.

I know some in my family get sniffy becuase they think the Italian bodysntchers got me "and you're doing it wrong". Not that I can win cos the Italian side of the family think I have failed utterly to assimilate and "you're doing it wrong".

Sometimes I think bringing up a bicultural kid is open season for critism, cos there is always somebody's yardstick that is going to moan about my "failings".

Four year old with holding a piece of spaghetti against a wall being to stop and stopping equals "badly behaved". Seriously?

Being told to stop

DC 17 wks, 2 yrs and 4 yrs

Well I'd expect the 4 year old to sit still and not run around -unless there was a play area- and hopefully the 2 but would expect to have to entertain and correct behavior so playing with food - could happen expect it to stop when told no.

IME Grandparents forget what young DC are like and they can need quite a lot of reminding - there also seems to be parenting differences here.

Children may also have picked up on any tension, and any disruption to normal routine could leave them excited and tried and unsettles so that a factor as well - I know mine can get very over exited with Grandparents and longer visits tend to be busy so tiredness hits.

I'd take more notice of what the school/nursery say TBH. If you started getting comments from other parents might be worth considering if your own very strict childhood is making you a bit too lenient - otherwise chalk it up to your parents being 'difficult' and decide how you want to deal with that.