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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist on being there when DS sees new baby for the first time?

63 replies

MyLastDuchess · 13/09/2012 20:01

A bit of background: DS is 2 years old and due to a post-partum haemorrhage within a few minutes of him being born, I was taken away to the operating theatre almost immediately and had a general anaesthetic. I didn't get to see him again for about another four hours. Obviously I'm thrilled to be alive but still a bit sad to have missed those precious first few hours with my first child.

Due to increased risk of the same thing happening agin when DC2 is born, thr midwife had been briefing me on extra precautions that will be taken, etc. It's not that likely to happen again but naturally (in my opinion at least) I really hope it won't as I would be really disappointed. Obv delighted to survive it, but you surely see what I mean.

It will be in a special room at the hospital and included in the notes I've just been reading, it says that immediately after the birth you will be offered a snack and some Champagne.

I mentioned to my partner that nobody had better be drinking the Champagne while I am undergoing an emergency life-saving operation and he seemed a bit taken aback. "Oooookaaaaay."

Then onto the subject of who will be looking after DS after the birth and where. I said that if it was in the hospital, I did not want DS to meet our new baby without me being there (I want to see it!). Again partner is taken aback. I said, come on, that must be obvious, surely. He said, no, not really, and it wouldn't have occurred to him.

AIBU? Does he just not GET what a big deal it is to give birth and then be taken away? Surely most parents would expect to be there when their children meet for the first time? Or is it just not really a big deal? I am really upset and wondering whether it will all be forgotten and I might miss that moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyLastDuchess · 13/09/2012 20:02

(DC2 is due in about 6 weeks, hence my thinking about all this now.)

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 13/09/2012 20:03

I would want to see my children meeting for the first time.

Dordeydoo · 13/09/2012 20:04

Not had children but I would be the same as you. Trying asking how he'd feel of he didnt see his two children meet

Socknickingpixie · 13/09/2012 20:05

i see your point compleatly but how are you actually going to do it,is dh going to have to wait as well so ds is not left?

Catsmamma · 13/09/2012 20:05

i fear I am missing the point....

surely your ds will not be at the hospital while you are giving birth?

and surely no one will be celebrating anything at all while you are undergoing emergency life saving surgery, should the worst happen?

onebigwish · 13/09/2012 20:07

YANBU.

One of the absolute highlights of my DD2's birth was her big sister meeting her for the first time.

onebigwish · 13/09/2012 20:08

I would take the champagne though (having just given birth I mean, if all goes well).

LittleSugaPlum · 13/09/2012 20:09

YANBU to want to see your baby first and to celebrate with everyone, instead of everyone seeing the baby and drinking champagne first!!

You should be part of it. Cant understand why your DP would want to open the champagne and let people see the baby before you!

janey68 · 13/09/2012 20:09

Assuming everything is ok and you don't need a general anaesthetic then I can see your point- you'll want to see your ds meeting his sibling

If I were in a life threatening general anaesthetic situation then frankly I would rather my dh and any other children met the new baby ASAP. I wouldn't want them to be waiting around and actually not seeing the baby just because I wasn't in a fit state

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 13/09/2012 20:09

I only have one so I don't know but assume I would feel the same. I know that I would want my bloody champagne. Grin

DaveMccave · 13/09/2012 20:09

yanbu. Why would he be at the hospital though?

ellangirl · 13/09/2012 20:09

I understand, and YANBU. I would hate to miss that moment. I had a pph too, but didn't require surgery thank goodness. I too am worried about it happening again and missing out on those first few hours. Although I was conscious etc I didn't get to feed DS for ages because I wasn't really with it enough. I am due 23rd oct with number 2 by the way.
I do not want DS to see me or baby until we are cleaned up and sat up in bed or whatever, I think anything else might worry him. My DS will be looked after at home until we are ready and that is that! Your DH needs to understand how important this is to you, and respect your wishes.

Original poster
MyLastDuchess · 13/09/2012 20:10

Catsmamma, the idea is that my fil will be caring for our son and my mil and partner will be supporting me. Depending on the time of day and how fast the birth is, FIL might be a the hospital with DS as they have a family room there with toys etc for the children. MIL doesn't drive so FIL will bring her to the hospital.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 13/09/2012 20:11

If your partner was planning to be drinking champagne and introducing his two children while you were undergoing life-saving surgery, then you have big problems.

MangoHedgehog · 13/09/2012 20:13

I missed my DDs meeting 10wks ago, due to post partum bleeding. DD1 was at the hospital with ILs anyway (was a v quick labour!), it was getting late, she was desperate to meet her new sister, and no way would I have denied her that just because I couldn't witness it myself.

TBH I was a bit disappointed but it isn't the end of the world. Watching their developing relationship is what's really rewarding.

So, I think that depending on the circs, timing etc, there's a risk that you might end up being a tiny bit U if you pursue it at all costs. But I totally understand you wanting to see it if possible.

Original poster
MyLastDuchess · 13/09/2012 20:16

AThingInYourLife, that was my feeling too. I think that was why I was so shocked - the fact that he seemed so surprised. I mean, I mostly mentioned the champagne bit to him as a joke, so I was stunned when he seemed surprised that I would care.

Feel like banning him from the hospital and calling him once I have given birth! I would never do that of course, but I am just so upset at his reaction.

OP posts:
Portofino · 13/09/2012 20:18

YANBU. I had emcs - and my BIGGEST sadness was that I was not awake when DH met DD. I could cope that I missed it, but not that. It made me very sad for a long time.

Original poster
MyLastDuchess · 13/09/2012 20:18

Mango I'm sorry about that. How old is your DD1? My DS is only just gone 2 so he doesn't really understand what it's all about and therefore wouldn't be bothered waiting, in my opinion.

OP posts:
TinyDancingHoofer · 13/09/2012 20:21

YANBU
But if you are not there, wouldn't you want new baby surrounded by family? What if something really bad happens, hoping it doesn't, and you are sedated for a lot longer than 4 hours?
Tbh, I think i'd feel the same as you OP, really want to be there for the special moment, maybe put a time limit on it though, if you're out for longer than 6 hours?

nankypeevy · 13/09/2012 20:21

There is a hospital that gives you CHAMPAGNE?

Wow.

Anyway, I agree with upthread. He's not going to be quaffing and celebrating if you are in theatre. You've caught him offguard and he's said the wrong thing because he was probably thinking about football , you know how the boys' pretty little heads work something really important to do with you and your new baby.

struggling not to write "leave the bastard" before someone else does

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 13/09/2012 20:23

My DH is the most supportive person I know but he still has trouble understanding my needs when it comes to childbirth (I need to know DS is safe and if my 1st choice of childcare couldn't be with him I'd want DH to be, I don't want any visitors for a few days etc) - I think it's hard for a man to put themselves in that position, no matter how understanding they are they're not the one going through a physical ordeal and the emotional roller coaster. Your situation is enhanced due to your past experience and YANBU to want to be there when your DCs meet for the 1st time. I think you should sit down with your DH and try and explain how important this is to you, like a pp says ask how he would feel if he missed it, if it's not that big a deal to him explain it is to you, and you need to be able to count on his support to put your mind at ease for the birth. I hope everything goes well for you :)

BlueberryHill · 13/09/2012 20:25

MyLastDuchess, good luck with the birth and I agree you want to be there when your DC meet for the first time. Your OH probably hasn't even thought about it at the moment and you took him unawares when you mentionned it, no one would be drinking champagne while their OH was in surgery. He may also not be thinking that it is going to happen again and is trying to stay positive about it and thinking along those lines. Just trying to put it from his view point.

SauvignonBlanche · 13/09/2012 20:25

DH met both DCs long before I did due to 2 EMCS. I can understand that but I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to meet them before me.

LineRunner · 13/09/2012 20:27

I don't think hospitals allow booze.

DamsonJam · 13/09/2012 20:27

I understand where you're coming from but tbh he probably just hadn't thought about it in the same way you had. Having had 2 PPH I know how it preys on your mind and worries you (luckily didn't have it with my 3rd due to active intervention). I know six weeks before the birth I was feeling very vulnerable and emotional and probably much more prone to taking these things to heart than normally - please don't take his thoughtlessness to heart.

And remember - given that they're prepared this time, it is much less likely to happen as they will actively manage the situation to prevent it happening. Also worth remembering that although all the medical professionals will talk about how you're at an increased risk of a PPH (compared to someone who's never had a PPH), you're still way more likely NOT to have a PPH than have one (I found focussing on this fact helpful). Best of luck.