To insist on being there when DS sees new baby for the first time?

[MyLastDuchess]

A bit of background: DS is 2 years old and due to a post-partum haemorrhage within a few minutes of him being born, I was taken away to the operating theatre almost immediately and had a general anaesthetic. I didn't get to see him again for about another four hours. Obviously I'm thrilled to be alive but still a bit sad to have missed those precious first few hours with my first child.

Due to increased risk of the same thing happening agin when DC2 is born, thr midwife had been briefing me on extra precautions that will be taken, etc. It's not that likely to happen again but naturally (in my opinion at least) I really hope it won't as I would be really disappointed. Obv delighted to survive it, but you surely see what I mean.

It will be in a special room at the hospital and included in the notes I've just been reading, it says that immediately after the birth you will be offered a snack and some Champagne.

I mentioned to my partner that nobody had better be drinking the Champagne while I am undergoing an emergency life-saving operation and he seemed a bit taken aback. "Oooookaaaaay."

Then onto the subject of who will be looking after DS after the birth and where. I said that if it was in the hospital, I did not want DS to meet our new baby without me being there (I want to see it!). Again partner is taken aback. I said, come on, that must be obvious, surely. He said, no, not really, and it wouldn't have occurred to him.

AIBU? Does he just not GET what a big deal it is to give birth and then be taken away? Surely most parents would expect to be there when their children meet for the first time? Or is it just not really a big deal? I am really upset and wondering whether it will all be forgotten and I might miss that moment.

DD1 is 5, so she did know what it was all about and it would have been cruel to deny her. Perhaps it's not the same at 2.

The champagne thing has reminded me of my mother who was shitfaced pissed when I rang her having just come round from the pph! she just used me going into labour as an excuse to go and get ratted with her mates, to the extent that she could hardly understand what I was saying and didn't get it at all that I'd had complications. bloody hell that was annoying.

several hospitals do but im pretty sure no nhs ones do

As your ds is in the building I think it changes the situation slightly.

Yanbu by the way, but your dh, mil and fil will have met baby but you younger dc won't have. It might make him feel a bit left out. Can't fil look after ds at home?

Of course a two year old can wait, they just need to be told what is going to happen. If they are told they are going to see mummy and the baby later that is perfectly fine. And of course you must see them meet, i can't believe your DH doesn't get that. (Champagne, really? Are you in the UK? I'm very jealous.)

I think MIL needs to get a cab and FIL and 2yo stay at home, easier for the 2yo and easier for you.

I burst into tears when i said to my 2yo "This is your brother "... I remember it very very clearly and it was 12 years ago.

I'd think it would be obvious that you'd want to see them meet. However even If you do PPH it won't necessarily end up in theatre again especially if they are actively managing it. I had a pretty major one, 2.5 Ltrs, but they got it under control in about two hours so you may be alright. Good to hear people are willing to it all again after that experience. I've been considering if DC#3 would be worth the risk of another PPH.

Yanbu. But if it means that much to you, then ds should stay away from the hospital. If the worst does happen and you end up in surgery, it will be awful for him to have to see daddy pacing back and forth and worried grandparents, not having mummy there to say 'don't worry, everything will be ok'. It might means sacrificing having your inlaws at the birth and meeting baby so young, but weigh up which is more important to you. I've never had either of my two kids at the hospital for their younger siblings' birth. Probably a good job too as waiting for 3 ish hours to see mummy, or seeing daddy bawling his eyes out holding his teeny twin daughter while mummy was whisked away for an emcs for our twin son would have scared them shitless. No one would have been able to reassure them that everything was ok cos to be fair, no one would know. They met the twins the following day when mummy was feeling slightly more human and we knew the twins were ok.

Should have mentioned that I live in the Netherlands so we have different conventions re: alcohol. There was no champagne with my first (unless they kept it a secret , perhaps they were all quaffing champers while I was under and never told me ) but this is a different hospital and different risk factor so I guess they try to spoil you a little. Mind you if it's anything like the first birth was then I will have no interest in drinking for quite a while!

Seriously though, I appreciate the reality check. I bet you are right, OH either hasn't really thought about it or is just hoping that it won't happen again. The PPH wasn't that stressful for me the first time around, I was just glad not to be in pain any more and lay back and didn't move just as I was told to do. I couldn't see the blood as I was lying flat as instructed, but my MIL has since told me that it was everywhere (3 litres, all over the floor) and I was as white as the bedsheets. She found it terrifying, and she used to be a nurse, so I can only imagine what it was like for my partner. I'm sure you're right and I just caught him off guard.

Pah.

No champagne, no new baby. That's the deal for me.

Now, who is our new Health Secretary...

You know what you really want nanky, we have a system here called kraamzorg where a maternity nurse comes to look after you at home for the first 7 days after the birth :) They help you with the baby, make tea and coffee for visitors, look after any other children you might have, do light housework ... Last time I was in hospital for a week after the birth so we didn't get the full 7 days, but ours still cleaned the bathroom, put clean sheets on the bed, brought me a cuppa and popped out and did the shopping. She was lovely :)

Wow, now that is aftercare. Love the idea of champagne, would probably add some pate, parma ham and soft cheese.

Yanbu.

The moment my children met each other was magical and there is no way in the world i was going to miss that. I had been through hell the last 9 months and in pain god knows how many hours and that first meeting was worth every single second.

I remember the days when hospital pharmacies dispensed brandy and guinness....

The kraamzorg doesn't quite make up for the fact that pain relief is frowned upon and we don't even have gas and air but hey, you win some you lose some.

I had a PPH with first baby , no op , but did have about a million stitches and 3 units of blood infused , stayed in hospital for 4 days with no champagne .
2 nd baby popped out an hour after getting to hospital , and we were home a couple of hours later . DS was asleep , my parents were there looking after him .
I will never forget him calling for me , The next morning , DH fetching him to see Mummy and the new baby , his voice changing as he saw her for the first time . Mum and me crying with happiness .
You can't miss that .
And how dare he even think about champagne without you .

My first thought was champagne on the NHS! but see you are in NL so that explains it.

I think it's good you are having this conversation now with your DP. In my long experience of life with my DC's father, 25 years and counting, I find I have to think ahead and spell things out if I want something special to happen in a particular way. Matters whicha re obvious to me just aren't to him, and I suspect lots of men just don't think the same way as most women. I'd also think that if the birth is more complicated than usual, then it may be more important than ever to have control over the areas you can control, like seeing dc1 meet the baby, and being there to open the booze! So YANBU.

Artex, that was lovely, I've never looked at it that way before.

Good points from Artex. I've had 4 DCs, and we had HUGE problems with ds3 when ds4 was born, though they are fine now - both teens and we sometimes joke about it. It was nightmare at the time and definitely added to the load of 4 under 8s!

Something else that I've found is that, as time goes on, it matters less how events around the births were, that the things that bothered me at the time (in my case quite big things, traumatic even) matter much less. So, while you may want to keep an element of control over as much as is possible in the circumstances, things might happen that you've not anticipated or planned for but, in time, this 'disappointment' will lessen. It's not as simple as saying none of it matters as long as mother and baby are okay (though that IS true) because events around the birth of your children are very important, esp in healing after a traumatic experience. i hope that makes sense.

Not even gas and air? How does pain management work then?

I've always wanted to be a kraamzorg! Okay, i don't speak Dutch or live in NL(though i do speak German so surely I could pick up Dutch too, nicht?!), and I can make tea and drink champagne ....