To insist on being there when DS sees new baby for the first time?

[MyLastDuchess]

A bit of background: DS is 2 years old and due to a post-partum haemorrhage within a few minutes of him being born, I was taken away to the operating theatre almost immediately and had a general anaesthetic. I didn't get to see him again for about another four hours. Obviously I'm thrilled to be alive but still a bit sad to have missed those precious first few hours with my first child.

Due to increased risk of the same thing happening agin when DC2 is born, thr midwife had been briefing me on extra precautions that will be taken, etc. It's not that likely to happen again but naturally (in my opinion at least) I really hope it won't as I would be really disappointed. Obv delighted to survive it, but you surely see what I mean.

It will be in a special room at the hospital and included in the notes I've just been reading, it says that immediately after the birth you will be offered a snack and some Champagne.

I mentioned to my partner that nobody had better be drinking the Champagne while I am undergoing an emergency life-saving operation and he seemed a bit taken aback. "Oooookaaaaay."

Then onto the subject of who will be looking after DS after the birth and where. I said that if it was in the hospital, I did not want DS to meet our new baby without me being there (I want to see it!). Again partner is taken aback. I said, come on, that must be obvious, surely. He said, no, not really, and it wouldn't have occurred to him.

AIBU? Does he just not GET what a big deal it is to give birth and then be taken away? Surely most parents would expect to be there when their children meet for the first time? Or is it just not really a big deal? I am really upset and wondering whether it will all be forgotten and I might miss that moment.

Bugger me I want to give birth in the Netherlands.

Wow. Me too.

PropositionJoe, a third of women give birth at home. There is also the option of pethidine, remifentanil or an epidural, though the last is (IMO) very hard to get.

My mother's theory is that the Dutch have a higher pain threshold (I am not Dutch).

I am just annoyed because I found DS's birth horribly traumatic due to the pain, and yet everyone is trying to put me off pain relief for this birth. I understand and accept that there are risks and downsides to pain relief, but frankly the 2 years of therapy (and ultimately diagnosis of mild PTSD) were a major downside too!

I could point you to heaps of resources about pain relief and intervention cascades but they are all in Dutch which I'm assuming you can't read?

I just hope it works out better this time as I don't think they are going to let me have an epidural and I am really scared. I gave it my best shot with DS but it was awful, I was so scared and the endorphins never kicked in. I have a doula this time but my fear is really mounting, despite my best efforts

Baskets just practice making beschuit met muisjes and I'm sure you'll get a job

Thank you very much. No I can't read dutch, but it is really interesting to hear how other cultures feel about what is after all a universal experience. I had two straightforward births with only gas and air so I have no particular axe to grind.

My second birth was very different from the first though, so try not to worry too much. I felt that my body "took over" second time, as it knew what to do, unlike the first time when I had to make a conscious effort to push the baby out.

I wish you the very best of luck. Maybe your DH is in denial about the possibility of there being problems this time and won't let himself imagine it, hence he hasn't thought things through the way you have. Just tell him what to do!

Can i ask a nosy question about your doula? Is she Dutch? Do you have the option of getting in a warm, deep bath once labour gets going? possibly not due to 'high risk' status???

Wow, YANBU at all! In the slightest! As other posters have said, there is no way he can have thought it through, there is no way it would be appropriate to have your older child there while your DH was frantic with worry for you anyway.

Very very true what Artex said, so important that older child does not feel displaced/frightened by new changes. The moment my children met is one of the most precious in my life. You have every right to have that moment in yours.

Like the other advice, chat it over and be explicit about your needs and wants. 2 year olds only have expectations that they are given, in situations like this. The very best of luck, I hope very much all your worries are unnecessary.

Mmm I'd take an epidural over the champers!

Just don't get pushed into anything. If you need one hiss and spit until you get it. Personally I think it's bloody awful trying to make someone have less pain relief than they need.

Champagne would have been wasted on me post delivery. The opiates and gas and air just had me feeling really sick. I wouldn't have wanted my kids seeing me immediately post delivery either. Both were in the middle of the night so my eldest saw the youngest mid morning the following day when I was feeling more human.

@ Fuchzia - you could always ask to be referred to a consultant appointment at your maternity hospital so that you can discuss the risks involved if it would help you decide.

I had a birth reflections debrief with the midwife a couple of months after having DD2 and broke down in tears at the thought that I couldn't face the risk of having a third child (had had a a long difficult labour both times, culminating in an emergency section and 1L PPH with DD1, and DD2 although a vbac was ventuouse delivery and 2.5L PPH). The midwife advised me that when the time came to deciding whether or not to have a third child I could always talk through the risks with a consultant at the hospital first. Now I never actually did it (just read around a lot) but if you're undecided it could be helpful.

FWIW it seemed to me that an unexpected PPH was much more dangerous as they're caught unawares. However, if they expect it, they can actively manage the birth to prevent it happening and have blood ready to transfuse even if it does (and luckily active management meant that it didn't happen 3rd time around - and am the proud mummy of a gorgeous 3 month old DD3).

I think sometimes husbands find it easier to simply focus on the positives/ put previous worry behind them - so if the medics say they'll prescribe some champagne post birth.. why not? etc.. (I assume he was pretty worried about you the first time around.)

I had drugs to start labour (after 2 weeks past due date), 2 days of further waiting then epidural (only because I was freaked out about them doing a check down below), ventouse, tear, episiotimy (sp?) and PPH first time around. No surgery required but transfusion and lots of impact re. milk supply etc.. However, the second time around (2 years later) - I was booked in for another induction on the due date this time - when labour started the day before. I coped fine - at home with a tens machine - arrived just in time for a touch of gas and air before DS no. 2 was born 40 minutes later - on his due date. I think keeping off the epidural, being in labour second time round, really practising good breathing and a much better midwife made a big difference to the ease of birth. I hope it will be the same with you. Many many people have easier second labours - hold on to this fact. Reserve the right to ask for pain relief but find and practise the best relaxation techniques that you think will help.

I agree with Airtex Monkey re. your toddler's needs. His key concern is likely to be a bit of continuity - seeing him mum, before the new sibling. I would also see if it's possible to arrange alternative transport for MIL so everyone's ready for toddler's visit rather than it being something that happens because he happens to be there because she needed a lift.. She may well understand your concerns more easily than your DH.

My 2 year old arrived I think the day after his brother was born. Peered over the cot to demand 'Wake up baby!'

Yanbu dd1 and 2 meeting was very very precious

I agree op. I would want to be there to see dc meet for the first time too.