To be a little pissed off with the sonographer today?

[BionicEmu]

DH and I didn't want to find out what gender baby we're having this time. I had a difficult pregnancy last time, DS was a bit early and I had pre-eclampsia. DS is now almost 2 and still has a few ongoing health problems, after already having had several surgeries. So, all DH and I care about is that this baby (our second) is healthy & preferably full-term.

We had our 20-week scan today. The sonographer asked at the start whether we wanted to know the sex, and we said no. She got on and checked everything, and wonderfully baby looks perfect. Then she said "and ooh, you're having a little boy, look, there's his boy bits!".

I was a bit upset and reiterated that we didn't want to know, but she actually said "but everyone really wants to know, you know you did anyway!"

I am over the moon that the baby is looking good, but really rather pissed off. I was thinking I'd have the baby and not really care what sex it was, as I did with DS1.

Now I'm finding myself stupidly upset that I'm having another boy. I know I'm being stupid, having 2 boys will be fantastic. But I'm feeling upset I'll never have a daughter.

Bloody hell, posted too soon!

I've recently been diagnosed with schizophreniform disorder and have been rather unwell, so this is really not what I needed!

So AIBU so be a little pissed off with the sonographer today?

No, YANBU. You should make a complaint IMO, if she had made a mistake fair enough but the comment 'everyone really wants to know' is disgraceful.

I am so sorry someone disregarded you in this way and I hope that you feel happier soon. Your feelings are not silly. And I am pleased to hear your baby looks healthy.

Seriously, her remarks were very wrong - send in a complaint.

YANBU, complain to the hospital.

You're not unreasonable.

She clearly either forgot or didn't take you seriously - I'd go with forgot.

And then tried to cover for her mistake.

I'd be upset too, I'm sorry you're having to deal with emotions you wanted to avoid.

YANBU at all. I would be livid. I reckon a complaint should be in order.

I can understand your feelings, as I too have two ds and will never have a daughter. But I'm sorry, yabu to be pissed off at the sonographef, she did't choose the sex of your ds any more than you or dh did.

At least you can choose a name in advance, I only had a girl's name ready each time!

Yes but OLKN she asked not to be told, and the sonographer told them anyway.

She's not annoyed with the sonographer for making her child male.

what was the point in her asking if you wanted to know if she was going to ignore everything you said and tell you anyway! I'd be pretty pissed off tbh (going for my 2nd 20wk scan next wk) and it's not part of the examination in our hospital and I was advised last week to ask at the end if I wanted to know. I'd consider putting in a complaint but it probably wont amount to much unfortunately. Congratulations tho!

If she had looked mortified and said Oh I am so sorry - I forgot you didn't want to know - then I wouldn't be so upset, but she clearly tried to wriggle out of it as though your feelings didn't matter, and that's not on.

I can understand you being upset but I think it's better to be upset at the scan than at the birth. I know at least two people who were convinced they were having one gender and gave birth to the other and were horribly disappointed.

I can't imagine anything more horrible than being disappointed when you're actually holding your much wanted baby for the very first time.

Yes but OLKN she is pissed off that the sonographer told her , against their express wishes. Obv the OP is not annoyed with the sonogrpaher because the baby is male.

I do agree that she shouldn't have told you if you'd asked not to know though.

I do understand tbat, Ed, but OP's feelings at having two ds wouldn't be any different if they happened at birth, would they? Perhaps the sonographer has prevented a massive, crushing disappointment, leading to PND and other horrors.

No, she shouldn't said the sex, she forgot herself and was clumsy when she should have been apologetic. But complaints to the hospital just seem excessive.

Dowagers - but that is the OP's choice to make, neither you nor the sonographer knows what would work best for the OP. The OP had made her choice and teh sonographer didn't listen.

No, that's true :)

Seriously?? this actually happened. I know a few sonographers and I find this unbelieveable. It is more than their job/hospital's reputation is worth to come right out and SAY "it's a boy" and that's if you ask. Even if they ask they hmmm and say 'We think it's a boy but we can't be sure".

OLKN - saying 'everyone wants to know really' is not the same as 'I am so sorry, I am so used to most people wanting to know that I forgot' is it? The first is rude, unprofessional, unethical, the second is human and forgivable.

And the OP is allowed to choose to handle her pg however she chooses - knowing, not knowing, whatever.

YANBU, I'd complain because rather than apologise she's tried to cover herself. That's not a great attitude in any job but in healthcare it's downright dangerous.

I think it's really hard on you because rather than being able to greet your baby, fall in love and find out the gender all at the same time, with all the accompanying joy you get this somewhat unwanted news and a 20 week wait for any if the good bit.

I have a gender preference too and that's also why I didn't find out (and sonographer complied with not telling us). I'll love mu baby when I meet it regardless of gender but couldnt face 20 weeks of knowing we're having a son and grieving a bit for that family we wanted.

I'm very surprised this happened. Are you in the UK? Was it an NHS scan?

i agree it is the OP's choice to make, not that of the sonographer.

Also in some areas telling parents the gender is strictly against the rules - particularl in areas where gender preference due to culture or religion can put the baby at risk.

I think it would be appropriate to complain to someone, actually.

Yanbu to be upset with her telling you when you asked not to be told.

However she may have done you a favour, and i mean this sincerely. You have 20 weeks to get used to the fact you are having another boy, rather than finding out at birth and feeling the way you do now. Hope that doesn't sound too condescending.

No, no, I know it's not up to her what sex the baby is. And I am so thankful that so far baby seems healthy. To be honest, I'm shocked and pissed off at myself for feeling the way I do as I know there are far more important things than knowing I'm never going to have a DD.

I think if she had said "oh God, I'm so sorry, I just forgot." then that would have been a bit more understandable, rather than her very superior I know best attitude.

The sonographer was out of order. You're probably feeling the girl boy thing because your little bubble of wondering what the sex of your baby is was suddenly burst when you weren't expecting it. Having two boys is great but there is nothing wrong feeling a bit sad if you wanted a dd.

Make a complaint. Totally out of order.