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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a little pissed off with the sonographer today?

54 replies

BionicEmu · 13/09/2012 17:32

DH and I didn't want to find out what gender baby we're having this time. I had a difficult pregnancy last time, DS was a bit early and I had pre-eclampsia. DS is now almost 2 and still has a few ongoing health problems, after already having had several surgeries. So, all DH and I care about is that this baby (our second) is healthy & preferably full-term.

We had our 20-week scan today. The sonographer asked at the start whether we wanted to know the sex, and we said no. She got on and checked everything, and wonderfully baby looks perfect. Then she said "and ooh, you're having a little boy, look, there's his boy bits!".

I was a bit upset and reiterated that we didn't want to know, but she actually said "but everyone really wants to know, you know you did anyway!"

I am over the moon that the baby is looking good, but really rather pissed off. I was thinking I'd have the baby and not really care what sex it was, as I did with DS1.

Now I'm finding myself stupidly upset that I'm having another boy. I know I'm being stupid, having 2 boys will be fantastic. But I'm feeling upset I'll never have a daughter.

OP posts:
5inthebed · 13/09/2012 17:50

I see a x posted with a few people.

Op, I have three boys, they are fab. I did feel a twang of sadness when we found out ds3 was a boy as was convinced he was a girl and had planned years of things in my had. It didn't last long though and I looked forward to having a housefull of boys. We also have two male cats and a male lizard, so I'm overrun with testosterone.

Donkeysdontridebicycles · 13/09/2012 17:51

YANBU one of the midwives told me what I was having when I was in labour, I was quite flummoxed, no surprise for us then and she was very pleased with herself. Hmm

Original poster
BionicEmu · 13/09/2012 17:52

The thing is, I know that if I had found out when he is born then I really wouldn't have cared. I've only been out of the hospital for a couple of weeks (mental health ward), have just got meds sorted and am working on being mentally healthy. So really, regardless of how I would have felt at the birth, 20 weeks' time would have been a better time to feel it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BionicEmu · 13/09/2012 17:52

Yes, this was an NHS scan in the UK.

OP posts:
Anotherusefulname · 13/09/2012 17:53

YANBU
I didn't want to know when I had DD because if I had been told she was a 2nd boy I woukd have been upset but I knew at birth I would have felt the same instant love either way.

EdMcDunnough · 13/09/2012 17:53

I will never have a daughter either, I understand - three boys here Smile

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 13/09/2012 17:56

OP - YANBU to be annoyed at the sonographer - but I wanted to comment on your upset / disappointment about having 2 boys. Do you think it is possible that you are taking your feelings about having another boy and turning them into annoyance at the sonographer without realising?

I hear you about disappointment.

I always thought I wanted one of each, but DS1 turned out to be DD2! When she was a couple of months old, I thought back to the "old me" who had wanted a DS and just thought, well thank goodness that didn't happen! I felt like I knew what I was doing with a girl (stupid things, like I still feel uneducated about how to change a boy's nappy... bit weird I know), we had all the clothes, etc etc. And the two sisters adore each other - you are giving your DS1 a younger brother which is lovely! I am super close to my own brother, but I do really believe that same-sex siblings often have a special bond that boy-girl siblings never really achieve.

Oh dear I am totally waffling here and not really explaining myself very well. Your baby is healthy. Fantastic. Your baby is not a girl. Welllllllll maybe that is ok too. Smile

Congratulations by the way.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 13/09/2012 17:58

Wow Bionic another thing we share, I love a bit of a stint on the psychiatric ward myself Wink

Gentleness · 13/09/2012 17:59

Not unreasonable and you should complain that she tried to wriggle out of it, but just wanted to say that having 2 boys is great. I was disappointed for about 3 days when we found our second was a boy too as we didn't know we'd have another. Then I wasn't really settled for ages. But it just doesn't stop that love you get consumed by and brothers together are a special, mischievous kind of delight!

blacktreaclecat · 13/09/2012 18:02

YANBU
We had 12 scans during our pg and didn't want to know- we told everyone scanning and they all respected this. It was a total surprise to both of us when they pulled him out and we saw dangly bits!

Indith · 13/09/2012 18:02

I would complain personally because her follow up comment was terrible. In my last pregnancy we were told ds2 wasa boy by mistake but the difference is that the sonographer was mortified and genuinely sorry.

elfycat · 13/09/2012 18:03

YANBU. Wanting to find out the sex of (DDs as it turns out) the baby was one of my major motivators in labour - I had a mini-mantra of 'keep going and you'll find out'.

If it was a mistake an apology would have been appropriate, not some trite remark. I'd put in a complaint, that sonographer could use a refresher on interpersonal skills.

PuffPants · 13/09/2012 18:05

Every sonographer I've encountered has been very, very clear about asking whether we want to know the sex. That is also the experience of everyone I know. I have never heard of a sonographer deliberately revealing the sex without first establishing the parents want to know.

Have you complained about her to her supervisor?

MsNobodyIsOrangeAgain · 13/09/2012 18:05

YANBU but mistakes do happen.

I never wanted to know the sex of any of my children. My last was a twin pregnancy. On my 20 week scan, the sonographer said "her feet are just there", "she's in a breech position". I was very annoyed that she had told me one of them was a girl.

I gave birth to two sons.

blacktreaclecat · 13/09/2012 18:05

DS will probably be an only and I am upset that I'll never have a daughter. I do adore my gorgeous baby boy though.

Original poster
BionicEmu · 13/09/2012 18:57

OK, I know it's done and can't be undone. Thankyou everyone who has had kind words to say, I think I'm starting to get used to the idea of having 2 little boys running me ragged now!

I had 6 scans during my last pregnancy, and yes, the sonographers were always very careful about whether we wanted to know the sex or not.

On reflection, I think if the sonographer had been in the least bit apologetic I would just let it go. But I really do feel that she wasn't. I didn't complain at the time, I just wanted to get out of there.

But I'm thinking I should complain, about the way she handled it rather than anything else. So how would I go about complaining?

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 13/09/2012 19:06

I would complain!

YoullLaughAboutItOneDay · 13/09/2012 19:13

Yes, complain. You should be able to find the details on the website for your hospital, or the trust if it doesn't have one.

You probably have to write a short letter/email explaining what happened. You can stress that you understand mistakes happen, but were particularly upset with her attitude. Most likely they will investigate and respond in writing in due course without you having to do anything further.

In your shoes I would complain. A healthcare professional who makes a mistake shouldn't be getting all superior and trying to put you in teh wrong. That is how dangerous mistakes get covered up and it's not an acceptable attitude.

Startailoforangeandgold · 13/09/2012 19:20

YANBU
When I mentioned to my GP I knew it was a girl he said "did you ask?",
Me "Yes"
"Good, not everyone wants to know".

So I'm guessing you are not the first person to be annoyed.

iknowwho · 13/09/2012 19:20

I wouldn't complain tbh.

SOunds like you have enough on your plate.

I'd leave it.

Nandocushion · 13/09/2012 19:25

You should complain. Mine did something similar after being told that we didn't want to know - at one point during the scan she told me "Look away now. Otherwise you'll find out, because it's really obvious what this one is". Deeply irritating.

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 13/09/2012 19:38

You should complain, I'd have been livid if a aonographer had done that to us at 20 weeks when I really don't want to know the sex. ( really want another ds and know I would feel worse finding out it was a girl now, than at the birth when I would immediately fall in love with my little bundle whatever sex it is)

If it was an honest mistake I would be upset but not angry. The superior attitude is rubbish IMHO!

I hope you start to feel better soon. MH issues are rubbish esp with added hormones.

mysaladdays · 13/09/2012 19:46

Yes, I would complain. This person works in healthcare and that environment is all about privacy, dignity and confidentiality. Sonographer didn't respect any of these. Doesn't matter what she thinks, it is your choice, you are the patient. You don't have to explain to anyone why you feel tearful- I cried a few times about really insignificant things when I was pregnant.

About how to complain. Your best bet is PALS (patient advice and liaison service). This is what they were created for. To be a speaking voice for patients. Your hospital will have one, call the nain switchboard and ask for them to put you through. They'll ask you what happened and the it from there. They will follow it up and let to know of outcome. No-one will lose their job based s

mysaladdays · 13/09/2012 19:50

Posted too soon!

....solely on this, but they may instigate further training to prevent it happening again. It may also help build a picture if they are already having problems with this staff member. Sometimes people know there's an issue with a member of staff but it takes a complaint to kick-start things/allow them to do something about it.

Sorry for huge post, but I feel really strongly about this person's total lack of respect for you at a vulnerable time.

mysaladdays · 13/09/2012 19:52

Pps just read first bit back- this isn't insignificant (read as though I thought it was!)

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