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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be utterly livid with this nurse and feel like weeping

117 replies

ClaudiaSchiffer · 13/09/2012 09:53

I took my daughters (7 & 5) to the local docs today for a flu vac, whilst sitting in with the nurse she turned to me and asked all sweetness like, "are you their granny?" "granny or mum?" "granny?" "mum???".

I'M 44 ffs.

Ok my hair has it's own natural highlights steel grey, but really, who mistakes a FORTY FOUR year old for the kids GRANDMA. (OK I know there are 44 yr old grandmas and I salute you but REALLY!).

I am devastated.

OP posts:

BrittaPerry · 13/09/2012 10:58

My mum was 44 when i had dd1 and she used to just agree when people assummed it was her baby! I mean really!

EdMcDunnough · 13/09/2012 11:04

I am ashamed to admit I did this to a lovely, lovely woman I know (now I know her a bit - didn't proprly then) because I saw her with her daughter, who looked about 18, and a very small toddler/baby so I wasn't sure and assumed that it was her daughter's baby.

It wasn't that the woman looked old - I'd put her at late 30s - but the age difference between her two children (as I now know) was enormous, so she forgave me I think, well I hope she did. I have never got over the embarrassment.

wonkylegs · 13/09/2012 11:09

One of my DS's friends granny about the same age as me (mid 30's) and very glamourous makes me feel dowdy on a good day
Nurse just put her foot in it

nokidshere · 13/09/2012 11:15

My mum was a granny at 38! and by the time she was 42 she had 3 grandchildren - now she has 13 and 12 great grandchildren and she is only just 70!

I didn;t even have my first baby till i was 38 and my seond at 42 and yes - I have been asked if I am "granny" but more often than not it is assumed that I am on my "second" family!!!

2rebecca · 13/09/2012 11:34

Stupid of the nurse. Asking a granny "are you the mum?" will never cause offence, I'd have been mildly stroppy with her and suggest she asks who is accompanying children in a less insulting way.
Many parents are thoughtless about letting grandparents accompany children to the doctors where parental consent is required though.

OTheHugeManatee · 13/09/2012 12:16

I wouldn't be too offended. She may just be used to women giving birth to their first aged 16 and becoming grandmothers aged 32.

For all you know she could have been looking at you and seeing a remarkably attractive and well-dressed grandmother in her late thirties

OTheHugeManatee · 13/09/2012 12:17

I once asked a patient if her mother had accompanied her to surgery. "No," she said (fairly grumpily), "she is my wife."

butisthismyname · 13/09/2012 12:20

DH was taking beautiful ringlet haired ds aged about 1 out for a walk once and an old lady said 'Oh. Isn't your grandaughter beautiful' He was 44. Now he is 56 and is always mistaken for dd6's grandad! depsite being by far the fittest father in the playground

purplehouse · 13/09/2012 12:24

People can be very bad at guessing ages. My mum who is nearly 65 took out my 6yo and 4yo. can't remember where she was, but she was mistaken for being their mum!!

And someone else (perhaps needing an eyesight check) saw my 2 brothers out together. They were both in their mid twenties. The person who saw them thought my brothers were father and son!!

eatyouwithaspoon · 13/09/2012 12:47

This happened to me about 2 years ago - approx age 40. My then 4 year old was having her face painted and the face painter asked if I was her granny - I said no her mum. She then went on saying that she had been out with her toddler grandaughter and been asked if she was her mum - looking very pleased with herself. I would say that this lady was anything from 60 to 70 and who ever had said it too her was probably being polite something she could learn from it had obviously made her day as much as she had upset mine.
I do know serveral grannies who are beautiful and late 30's/40's so I wouldnt worry too much even thought I was gutted when it happened to me

mum4041 · 13/09/2012 13:49

There's ways of asking though. You ask if you're mum first, then give the person the chance to say no I'm the gran. That way it's a win win situation. Mum's not offended and gran thinks she looks young. Tactless I think.

RuleBritannia · 13/09/2012 13:57

100 years ago I had a Saturday job in Woolworth's when I was 15. My parents came in and bought something from my counter (yes, a counter) with some family chat. A colleague asked if my mother were my sister. I was a bit but my mother was for the rest of the day. She was 36. Having said that though, she looked about 50 when she was 88.

LongTimeLurking · 13/09/2012 14:06

YANBU. Surely if the nurse wasn't sure she would go with "mum", knowing that calling someone mum when they are infact granny is quite flattering and not likely to lead to any offence.

redwineformethanks · 13/09/2012 16:02

Iteotwawki I once asked a patient if her mother had accompanied her to surgery. "No," she said (fairly grumpily), "she is my wife."
grin Ouch!

amicissimma · 13/09/2012 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TyrannoWearsGoldKnickers · 13/09/2012 16:20

The lady in my corner shop called me a cougar when she heard DH and I had married. I am 28, he is 31

VintageEbonyGold · 13/09/2012 16:33

I had my ds at 16, at nursery the other mums called me his nanny they really struggled with me being a young mum when he hit teenage years I got mistaken as his sister then he refused to be seen in public with me after the day we were mistaken as boyfriend and girlfriend how I howled with laughter he's calmed down a bit now and will go out in public with me again. Fortunately I'm now 34 and yet to be a granny not through want of the girls trying I didn't try just wasn't entirely clued up

rogersmellyonthetelly · 13/09/2012 19:08

Well I had the ultimate insult a couple of weeks ago, someone asked dh if I was his mum! He is 36 I'm 37. He looks late 20s, I look mid-late 30s at most. I was not impressed!
in this sort of situation, I would always ask "are you mum?" which if they are in fact grandma, will not offend. And if they are mum, they just assume you mean mum as opposed to auntie/mums friend rather than grandma

ilovesprouts · 13/09/2012 19:13

im 44 my ds2 is five and im also a grandma of 3

TheBigJessie · 13/09/2012 19:42

I don't think it means you look "old". Just that you look roughly somewhere between mid-thirties and mid-forties. The nurse will see lots of different families, so she asked instead of assuming one way or the other. Nurse is probably still cringing right now!

bran · 13/09/2012 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IWantAnotherBaby · 13/09/2012 20:06

I sort of did this once. A very bossy older-looking woman came in to my surgery with a young-looking man (he was early 20s), and proceeded to talk for him (he was the patient) despite my attempts to speak directly to him. When I had finished assessing him and called an ambulance for him, one of the things they ask is whether anyone will be travelling with the patient (relatives etc); so I turned to him (she was texting on her phone) and asked if his mother would like to go in the ambulance or follow behind in her car. She turned to me and very offendedly said "I am his WIFE!!" I did apologise, but from then on they always saw one of my partners...

Calabria · 13/09/2012 20:08

Someone told a story on another forum I used to frequent about how she was asked if she was the baby's grandmother. The baby she was breastfeeding at the time!

BassaiDai · 13/09/2012 20:14

Going to throw a spanner in the works...

I am one of those nurses giving immunisations. i would like to confirm that we do need parental consent before giving the injection. Imagine the distraught parents/media field day if a childs grandparent brought them in for mmr against the parents wishes and we gave it without geting parental consent. Or if the child had a medical condition contraindicating an immunisation, that the parents had chosen not to tell the grandparents about?

About 2 months ago I was in the horrible predicament of not knowing whether the woman who brought the child was in fact the childs mum or gran. I always start each appointment with 'so this is x?, and you're mum?' In an attempt to clarify that I have the right child sitting in front of me and that the adult has got parental responsibility.

The woman with this child started huffing and puffing and became red in the face. After some not very pleasant language, she made it clear that she was in fact the childs grandmother and was horrified that I had made such a rude assumption that she could be the mother.

So it's not always a win win situation to ask 'mum?' and hope that they will be pleased. Neither me or the admin staff ever figured out why the woman was so upset. But she was upset enough that despite me apologising profusely, she still made a complaint! But my fab manager managed to calm her down so it didn't go any further

IWantAnotherBaby · 13/09/2012 20:16

Oh and I well remember a junior obs and gynae post (I was such an innocent) when I was seeing a young girl postnatally to discharge her home. There were several older women in the room with her organising everyone for photos of the family. Among the (huge) family present was: new baby girl (0), the new mother (14), the grandmother (28), the great-grandmother (45), the great-great grandmother (66), and the great-great-great grandmother (86). They were excitedly lining up 6 generations of family women! (Oh, and this dates it; the mother was called Kylie, and the new baby Britney.)

So, OP, at least you weren't taken for a great-grandmother!!

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