Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be bloody annoyed with MIL?

85 replies

TheGOLDCunnyFunt · 12/09/2012 19:12

Dropped DD off at MILs at 1pm, I mentioned she had nappy rash because she did a poo in the night and I didn't discover it till about 7.30 this morning. DD had a fresh nappy on at 11am, and I've just got her changed for bed and found that she was still in the nappy I last put her in! Her poor bits are red raw :(

MIL has had 4 DC of her own so I find it really difficult to believe that she didn't think it needed changing in 7 hours when she knew about the rash.

Aibu to be bloody pissed off about this? DP didn't even say anything when I told him, she can do no wrong in his eyes. I swear he thinks he's still attatched to her apron strings Hmm

OP posts:
mum4041 · 13/09/2012 00:02

Sometimes they just don't get the routine.

I used to write out a timetable list for my mother.

With all the feeds and times for nappy changes and sleeps.

She may have had four of her own but it was probably a very long time ago.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 13/09/2012 00:06

I second a schedule. My DM requests them.

SecretSquirrel193 · 13/09/2012 00:21

I really wouldn't go in guns blazing over this as it sounds like a one time event, I would do a gentle reminder. If it happens again then maybe its time to get cross.
I would be inclined to presume for this event that MIL was busy having fun with her granddaughter and got pre-occupied. I know personally whenever I've had slightly older babies (the age they can hold their own bottle/have sippy cup sort of age) over for a few hours I have to really make myself think about nappies because they are much more independent then the tinies and much more interactive ... I am often not actively providing drink/s, esp with a sippy cup and so tend to think less about whats going in and when it will come out (!) and spend more time with the little person -with tinies I found it far easier to "remember" to change them constantly because they didn't do much else :)

perfectstorm · 13/09/2012 00:26

Can't believe people think a SAHM wanting a break from childcare is risible. No lunch breaks in offices, are there? Nor sick pay. Oh, wait....

OP maybe you need to explain that modern nappies hide the smell but get really hot, and pee has ammonia in which does indeed exacerbate nappy rash, though not anything like as badly as poo. My mum used to think you could just leave them in these marvellous modern nappies, too. I had to explain that just because they don't feel wet and cold doesn't mean they aren't germy and uncomfortable.

I second the printing literature off about the damage sweet drinks, including juices, do. And that milk teeth in poor health are now linked to adult teeth in poor health, which isn't just painful and unattractive, but in turn linked to heart disease. Then there are the dietary links to adult obesity/diabetes/Alzheimers in people who have an excessive fondness for sugar, and one of the most painless ways to reduce that intake is not to drink sweet drinks.

I agree it isn't worth causing WW3 over if she's a great GM and doing you a favour, but the drinking in a way is worse than the nappies, minging as that is, because it won't affect your DD's health long term. She'll be out of nappies soon enough and you control what happens the rest of the week. You aren't controlling a palate developing a sugar addiction, IYSWIM. You can create a very sweet tooth very young if you aren't careful (I speak as someone who doesn't refuse sweet treats, btw, but as part of a normal diet and at meals, not simply for hydration) and it's a bad, bad idea for obvious reasons. I know you know that, but I really do think it's time to give your MIL the information, because she's doing it from love - so she can stop doing it for the same reasons. Maybe ask her to come with you to your DD's first proper dental appointment, and brief the dentist first on how s/he needs to drone on about the subject? Grin

parachutesarefab · 13/09/2012 00:35

I'm with Coola - your MIL didn't change the nappy in 5 1/2 hours, not 7 1/2. Not good, but not quite so bad. Maybe she didn't really register you mentioning the nappy rash, so didn't realise that there was anything different to usual?

How long does she usually have your DD for? Maybe she's only used to changing a nappy when it's been soiled - my mum too was of the generation who seeem to think that disposables were magic things which were fine to leave on for hours, absorbing everything easily. Maybe she realised after 5 hours that she hadn't changed it, but thought it wasn't worth putting a new nappy on when it was about to be taken off for bath and bed?

If it's a one-off, just let it go, but be clearer about what's needed to halp the nappy rash another time.

The juice, on the other hand is not a one-off. Can you quote a dentist to her?

perfectstorm · 13/09/2012 00:48

Ring up your dentist, make the first appointment, go on all excitedly to your MIL about it being such a rite of passage and then ask her to come as well so your DD won't pick up on your fear of them (create such a fear if need be). If your dentist is briefed, they'll gladly campaign on this one for you, without you needing to press the point at all. No dentist likes filling caries in a primary aged child.

Ozziegirly · 13/09/2012 06:02

Well I must say, since my DS has been about 14 months or so, I reckon he's only worn about 3 nappies in a day and I confess that I don't change them unless he has a poo. He gets a new one when he wakes up, then normally has a poo after brekky so gets a new one then. THis one stays on til his nap at 1.30 or so (so about 4ish hours), then that one stays on (unless it's sodden after the nap but it v rarely is) until after dinner when he normally does another poo then has nappy off time until bath anyway.

He doesn't really get nappy rash though.

It would be the vimto I would be more pissed off about!

BellaVita · 13/09/2012 06:43

I would have changed it before I left MILS so you could show her how bad the nappy rash was tbh.

On picking her up, I would have asked MIL how the nappy rash was.

MamaGeekChic · 13/09/2012 08:17

Is this a wind up? She leaves a baby with a sore bum in a wet nappy for 7hrs, she feeds your 15mo vimto- but as a SAHM you need a break and your baby 'likes it there' so you're not going to say anything and will keep sending her? Unbelievable!

PooPooOnMars · 13/09/2012 08:22

JumpingThroughMoreHoops drip drip drip mil nappy unchanged Vimto vest poppers (ohhh shock) woe woe woe I'm a SAHM who needs a break

FakebookWed YABU for wanting "me" time when you're a sahm

I would so love to hear whatever dumbarse reasons you both have for thinking a full time mum should never need a break. It might be entertaining enlightening.

lola88 · 13/09/2012 08:36

I've not read the full thread but can i ask if your still here OP, how do you know the nappys not been changed? did you ask MIL? or is it possible it was changed and just needed changed again nappy rash can still be there after 7 hours it doesn't always go straight away.

I wouldn't know if DS had one nappy or the other in since they all look exactly the same

Original poster
TheGOLDCunnyFunt · 13/09/2012 08:37

Mama could you kindly do me a favour and copy and paste the part where I said I wasn't going to say anything to her? That particular post seems to have slipped my mind and I can't find it on this thread.

Why am I being unreasonable for wanting a few hours to myself one afternoon a week? The rest of my time is spent looking after DD.

Why are people being so horrible and making me feel like I'm in the wrong? I thought it was ok to come on here just to rant Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGOLDCunnyFunt · 13/09/2012 08:39

Lola in DDs nappy bag there are purple active fit nappies, the one she was wearing when I dropped her off was a green baby dry one, when I got her changed for bed she was still wearing the green one. It was bulging and stinky.

OP posts:
MammaTJisWearingGold · 13/09/2012 08:42

Vimto is likely to make to wee more acidic and worsen the nappy rash imo!

Oh my. Not going to question your need for 'me time' but really, how can you relax and enjoy it when you know your baby is being neglected like this. When my DCs were this age, my 'me time' was going to toddler groups and letting them play while I watchfully enjoyed a cuppa and a chat. Now wouldn't that be more relaxing? When DD2 was this age, DS was 3 months.

MamaGeekChic · 13/09/2012 08:42

You didn't say any thing though did you? It was yesterday and you haven't done/said anything about it, unless of course you have but have chosen not to post it. Countless posters have asked what you were going to do/say and you've not responded to any of them other than to say that your DD likes it there and you need a break. Just putting 2 and 2 together... Are you going to do something about it? What have you decided to do?

You're not being unreasonable to want a couple of hours to yourself but you are if that comes at the expense of your DDs wellbeing.

PooPooOnMars · 13/09/2012 08:45

Op. Why are they being horrible? . . . because they're bloody idiots sitting behind a computer screen looking for someone to be horrible to! There's not much else to say.

If you had put this in parenting i would imagine that everyone would have agreed that its good to have a break.

Although saying that i did see one poster say once that to say you ever need time to yourself as a parent is disgusting. She thought you should dedicate every single minute of your time to being with your children, never going for a walk alone or anything, until they turn 18. Perhaps she's on this thread.

Halfling · 13/09/2012 08:58

Well, talk to your MIL and find out whether or not she actually changed your DD's nappy. If this the the first time and unintentional, you should forgive her.

If she is forgetful about these things, devise a way that this can be resolved. Maybe you could call her up once, when your DD is with her, to remind her about nappy change, feed etc.

You have to give a little leeway when a family member/friend is doing child care. One afternoon of juice drinking is not going to amount to much.

fluffyraggies · 13/09/2012 08:58

OP - this is AIBU. It can be a bear pit.

If you like, why not post again in relationships and ask how best to approach your MIL?

FWIW i don't think it's U to want a few hours to yourself. Is this your first baby?

MY mum just would NOT change a nappy. I never left any of my DCs with anyone for very long - couple of hours at the most - but anytime i did leave them with mum they would always be wet when i came to pick them up. If it was a pooey nappy she'd always say 'Oh - must have just done that! You can change her now you're back anyway'. Often the poo obviously hadn't 'just been done' at all. Used to make me Angry and Hmm

hawaiiWave · 13/09/2012 09:05

Yanbu, maybe you could leave dc with her for a shorter time, it seems your mil is either forgetful or a bit lapse.

Original poster
TheGOLDCunnyFunt · 13/09/2012 09:07

Well no, I haven't said anything yet because I didn't know until I got home, I figured it would be better to talk to her face to face when we see her tonight rather than ring her up. I am still going to send her there, because DD loves going, MIL loves to have her, DD gets to play with her cousin, and (shock horror) I get some time to myself to just sit down and do nothing. And before everyone starts, OBVIOUSLY I am going to talk to her about the juice and nappy changing.

OP posts:
ClimbingPenguin · 13/09/2012 09:17

It's AIBU therefore people find any way to have a go at you

FWIW I think your MIL will listen and change.

Mine is almost a bit scared of nappies, so would tell me she undone did the nappy but it was only wet and so did it back up again. I just said that in future I want nappy changed at certain points regardless.

She also thinks we were cruel to only give DD water. I said that she could give her juice but could she make it watered down fruit juice (this was after she came back telling me she had given 15 month DD a fruitshoot). It was a middle ground that suited us both and meant she still got to give DD juice, but I made it clear I didn't want her having the juice drinks.

ILiveInAPineapple · 13/09/2012 09:21

Op, YANBU at all. I wouldn't be impressed about the nappy, but I would be raging about the Vimto.

I can see how she could overlook the nappy thing, and as others have suggested, next time I would be more specific - please can you change dd every 2 hours as her nappy rash is bad?

The Vimto thing is awful. I would be stamping my foot down hard at that one, and second the idea of the dentist trip etc. my DS is almost five and still only gets milk or water and that's the way it will stay. If other people give their kids juice, that's up to them but I choose not to and if someone undermined me in that decision I wouldn't be happy at all.

Fwiw I went back to work when my DS was 1yo and boy was it a treat to sit and eat lunch/ have a cup of tea etc, in fact I used to have a cup of tea with my colleagues at the end of the day before I went to pick DS up from nursery as I knew I wouldn't get a chance until it was his bedtime as DH and I would be doing all the usual things like dinner for DS and bath! So I'd have ripped someone's arm off for an afternoon to myself! YANBU at all wanting some time to be "you" rather than dd's mummy.

You do need to speak to your mil though as if you don't clear up your expectations now, it will only get worse. It really riles me when people say oh but you can't tell people what to do if they are doing it for free.... Yes you bloody well can, it's your child, and it's not like your mil derives no benefit at all from having her, I bet she loves spending time with her gd, but she should adhere to your rules. My parents spend a lot of time with my DS but they damn well stick to my rules when they do!

Catsu · 13/09/2012 09:31

Say it in a way that gives her the benefit of the doubt and she's more likely to take note.
'I know you wouldn't have done this intentionally but I think you forgot to change dd's nappy yesterday while she was here! I wouldn't normally say anything but she's got a terrible nappy rash at the moment and she was very sore last night so just thought I'd let you know. '
If you go in guns blazing and cross then she is likely to get defensive and cross right back

differentnameforthis · 13/09/2012 09:43

If she isn't doing it right, perhaps it is time to sacrifice your 'me time' & stop sending her.

differentnameforthis · 13/09/2012 09:51

The vimto, as an occasional drink for a child with a good diet & good oral hygiene routine, whilst not ideal, won't cause that much harm.