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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my mum would stop messing me about???

55 replies

Schema · 12/09/2012 09:33

I am a single parent in a new relationship. I have had a couple of bad relationships in the past and for the first time I have met someone who is kind, generous, respectful, mature - and I love him. He ticks every single box.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago he asked if I could get a babysitter so he could take me away for the Friday night until Saturday. I asked my mum - she agreed.

I said "are you sure it's ok?" she said "yes, definitely, I'm glad you've found someone and really hope it works for you! definitely I'll look after the kids."

So - a few days before I call and say "still ok for Friday?" she says "yep! still fine!" I say "are you sure? because he's booking it today so you need to tell me now otherwise" and she said "no it's definitely fine!" so I tell him he's ok to book - he pays upfront. I tell her he's booked it. Low and behold, the DAY BEFORE we're due to go she calls and says "don't want you to be mad or think I've done this on purpose but I can't have the kids on Friday, I don't feel up to it" !!!!!

It's like she deliberately waited until the worst time possible to do that - when it was all booked and paid for and too late to arrange another babysitter.

I was seething.

Anyway as it happened, I managed to find another sitter. For that reason, I probably got over it quicker than I normally would have.

So, this Friday coming he's taking me to see a band and we're staying over. I asked my mum weeks ago about this and she said it was definitely all ok for the kids to stay there. I said "are you sure? because I don't want to happen what happened last time" and she said "oh no, it's definitely ok this time, I was just feeling off last time".

So we book everything. We also book a breakfast thing as my mum said it was fine to come back at 12pm on the saturday.

She called this morning and said "you'll have to pick the kids up at 9am Saturday morning now as we want to go shopping" !!! It's a two hour drive meaning we'll have to set off at 7am after a night of music and drinks and obviously we can say goodbye to the money we've spent on booking the breakfast now!! why the fuck say its ok to do it if it isn't?? I swear she's trying to fuck this up for me. Part of me thinks she doesn't want it to work out. When she split with my dad she went on a marathon of dating - one crap bloke after another and eventually settled with one she didn't like all that much because she preferred it to being alone. And THIS is why she hates the thought of my relationship working out.

So, up to now it's just the Saturday morning cocked up. He is going to be really happy at having to drive at 7am after a boozy night isn't he. I know it comes with the territory of having kids but if she'd said ORIGINALLY that she couldn't do it, I wouldn't have been bothered. It's the messing me about and making me look unreliable that is pissing me off. I can guarantee she'll pull out all together by Friday so I'm looking for alternative babysitters already.

I know the solution is to stop asking her to help but AIBU to be pissed off that she acts like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Schema · 12/09/2012 09:35

And AIBU to think she's doing it on purpose because subconsciously, she doesn't want this to work out for me?

OP posts:
Treblesallround · 12/09/2012 09:35

YANBU to be pissed off. Stop asking her, get someone reliable and have a lovely time!

rockandahardplace2012 · 12/09/2012 09:36

YANBU, Tell her to forget the whole thing and try and find someone one else. And dont bother to ask her again.

Noqontrol · 12/09/2012 09:38

Thats a shame. Can you find anyone else to help out? Thats pretty mean of her if she said yes and is now going shopping instead. Not nice.

LemonBreeland · 12/09/2012 09:42

What Trebles said

DontmindifIdo · 12/09/2012 09:42

OK, so now you know she's unreliable, don't ask her again, if she offers, turn her down. Don't have her being your childminder for anything that can't be cancelled (so dinner out is fine because you can cancel a restaurant, but not tickets to a gig or anything you have to pay in advance).

You can't force her to be more helpful, only refuse to take her offers of help.

Definately find an alternative for Friday and cancel on her, make life easy for yourself.

Original poster
Schema · 12/09/2012 09:42

Another thing is she probably won't go shopping at all.

One time she agreed to have the kids overnight (knowing I was going on a night out so would be drinking) and then sprang it on me that I'd have to pick them up at 8am Saturday morning as she was going shopping. So all night I'm having to watch what I drink, stay relatively sober, go home early, get up at 7am - drive to my mums who is sat there in a dressing gown with a coffee and says "oh we're not going shopping now, lovely morning though isn't it?" Hmm

She's always been like this but especially if she thinks there's a danger I might actually get on in life. She honestly seemed happier when I was depressed and lonely in a tiny council house with no education and no job.

Now that I'm in a decent house with a career, degree and potential relationship she's being as bloody awkward as possible.

OP posts:
Orenishii · 12/09/2012 09:44

Don't bother asking her again, and tell her exactly why. It does feel like sabotage - for want of a better word. There's no good reason a person - especially your mum - should agree to something, reassure it's fine and let you go ahead and book things only to back out - twice!

Noqontrol · 12/09/2012 09:45

Well if you know that, then definitely don't ask her for anything thats important. Is there no one else who can step in?

GoldPedanticPanda · 12/09/2012 09:49

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. The first time she could have felt ill or not up to it. And now this fine she is watching your kids, but you just have to leave a bit earlier. I've been a single parent and had to pick DS up first thing in the morning after a night of drinking, I just drank less or went to bed earlier, I'd never think the sitter was trying to sabotage my relationship, it's free childcare and I've always been grateful for any help.

I know it's hard at the start of a new relationship when you've got kids, but thinking its all on purpose is ott sorry, you're still going to see the band. Could you hire a sitter and pay them instead?

QuintessentialShadows · 12/09/2012 09:49

Maybe your mum thinks your new boyfriend is trying to make you live as if you dont have kids, and she disapproves?

Maybe she would prefer if you made him fit in around your life and parenting, rather than you fitting yourself and your kids around him?

honeytea · 12/09/2012 09:50

Maybe tell her that you will send the kids with their pocket money and they can go shopping with her!

Your new guy sounds lovely, good luck with it all :)

WingDefence · 12/09/2012 09:51

YANBU. I'd just firmly remind her that you've booked a breakfast thing and you can't pick DC up until 12pm (or whatever time you'd be able to get there).

And then never ask her again.

Mrsjay · 12/09/2012 09:52

YANBU to be really annoyed with her, but do what I had to do with my mum years ago try and get another baby sitter, It maybe a case of your mum thinks she has to babysit and then genuinely doesn't feel up to it, or she maybe doing i t on purpose, but she can't be relied on for whatever reason , so find somebody else to watch the children

pictish · 12/09/2012 09:53

Well at very best she's an insensitive selfish woman. What a shame for you.

I agree with others here. Do not accept her offers of help...they are on condition and frankly, a bit controlling. She calls the shots doesn't she?

I'd say no, and tell her why. No thank you, because despite assurances to the contrary, you have let me down and made things difficult. I will ask someone else.'

Go and find someone reliable to help on these occasions. Speak seriously to a friend and ficure out if you can do the same in return or the equivalent, for them.

I'd not be puppeteered like that.

pictish · 12/09/2012 09:58

YANBU. I'd just firmly remind her that you've booked a breakfast thing and you can't pick DC up until 12pm (or whatever time you'd be able to get there).

I agree with this. Sorry - no can do. It's booked.

Original poster
Schema · 12/09/2012 09:59

I don't try and fit myself and the kids around him - it's just been two occasions where he's tried to organise a nice adult night for us. I don't go out often.

He's meeting the kids next Saturday and hopefully, if that works out we'll be able to see each other easier as he can spent time at my house - no requirement for babysitters!

I won't be asking her for anything again and I still swear she's doing it on purpose. There has been a few examples over the years of this. Offering to have the kids when I started university for example - waited until I got accepted onto the course (after a year of intense a-level studies, personal statements, voluntary work and gruelling interviews) and then said "oh I'm really pleased for you!! but what are you going to do about the kids? cos I can't have them"

Oh, well cheers for that.

I sometimes feel like it's a battle of will. I should be grateful really, she just makes me more determined to succeed.

OP posts:
GoldPedanticPanda · 12/09/2012 10:00

Does she maybe find your dc too difficult but doesn't want to say?

pictish · 12/09/2012 10:01

God - what's her problem?

Call her bluff by not falling for it I say.

TheCrackFox · 12/09/2012 10:01

I think you need to take her power away and get someone else to babysit for you. It seems that your mum is worried that you might actually be happy.

Original poster
Schema · 12/09/2012 10:02

No it isn't that Panda, my eldest is 13 and doesn't really move from his laptop. She wouldn't notice if he wasn't there!

Youngest is 11 and just sits watching TV all night or plays on the computer upstairs. They're not little kids that play together etc.

OP posts:
Fecklessdizzy · 12/09/2012 10:02

My Mum is a bit like this so I haven't asked her to watch the kids in ages, as she says "yes" originally and then keeps tweaking the arrangements until it's not worth you bothering going out!

In her case I think it's because she doesn't like saying "no" but doesn't really want the bother and messes me around until I find someone else.

I'd find someone you can really rely on and leave her out of the loop from now on.

Mrsjay · 12/09/2012 10:03

MY mum was the very same with my kids it is a shame as my children are grown and nearly grown up their gran missed out on a lot of their childhood as she was too busy to see them, she isn't that busy these days when she is asking DD for a lift here there and everywhere , Oh that turned into an all about me rant Sorry Op Blush

Original poster
Schema · 12/09/2012 10:07

I suppose another thing pissing me off is when my mum was a single parent she was CONSTANTLY palming me off on babysitters whilst she went to date various blokes around the country. I spent more time with my Grandma than I did with my mum, I was ALWAYS being babysat. One time I was left with my grandma for a whole week whilst my mum went to the other end of the country to see this bloke. She promised she'd be back for my birthday - apparently she 'missed the train' Hmm.

Yet she can't look after my kids for ONE night while I try and build up a relationship with the first guy I've really fallen for since I split with the kids dad 9 YEARS AGO!!

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 12/09/2012 10:08

OK, OP, the more you say, the more it seems like this is a patten with your mum, you can't force her to change, so you have to change, don't use her at all for babysitting, unless it's something that's easy to cancel (like dinner).

Assume if she offers to sit, she doesn't really mean it, so don't rely on her at all. Make sure she has no involment in anything that matters to you.

It does sound like a power thing with her, so take that power away from her, if you don't need her, she can't use that to get at you. You might find she is much easier to deal with when it is entirely on your terms.