To wish my mum would stop messing me about???

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I am a single parent in a new relationship. I have had a couple of bad relationships in the past and for the first time I have met someone who is kind, generous, respectful, mature - and I love him. He ticks every single box.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago he asked if I could get a babysitter so he could take me away for the Friday night until Saturday. I asked my mum - she agreed.

I said "are you sure it's ok?" she said "yes, definitely, I'm glad you've found someone and really hope it works for you! definitely I'll look after the kids."

So - a few days before I call and say "still ok for Friday?" she says "yep! still fine!" I say "are you sure? because he's booking it today so you need to tell me now otherwise" and she said "no it's definitely fine!" so I tell him he's ok to book - he pays upfront. I tell her he's booked it. Low and behold, the DAY BEFORE we're due to go she calls and says "don't want you to be mad or think I've done this on purpose but I can't have the kids on Friday, I don't feel up to it" !!!!!

It's like she deliberately waited until the worst time possible to do that - when it was all booked and paid for and too late to arrange another babysitter.

I was seething.

Anyway as it happened, I managed to find another sitter. For that reason, I probably got over it quicker than I normally would have.

So, this Friday coming he's taking me to see a band and we're staying over. I asked my mum weeks ago about this and she said it was definitely all ok for the kids to stay there. I said "are you sure? because I don't want to happen what happened last time" and she said "oh no, it's definitely ok this time, I was just feeling off last time".

So we book everything. We also book a breakfast thing as my mum said it was fine to come back at 12pm on the saturday.

She called this morning and said "you'll have to pick the kids up at 9am Saturday morning now as we want to go shopping" !!! It's a two hour drive meaning we'll have to set off at 7am after a night of music and drinks and obviously we can say goodbye to the money we've spent on booking the breakfast now!! why the fuck say its ok to do it if it isn't?? I swear she's trying to fuck this up for me. Part of me thinks she doesn't want it to work out. When she split with my dad she went on a marathon of dating - one crap bloke after another and eventually settled with one she didn't like all that much because she preferred it to being alone. And THIS is why she hates the thought of my relationship working out.

So, up to now it's just the Saturday morning cocked up. He is going to be really happy at having to drive at 7am after a boozy night isn't he. I know it comes with the territory of having kids but if she'd said ORIGINALLY that she couldn't do it, I wouldn't have been bothered. It's the messing me about and making me look unreliable that is pissing me off. I can guarantee she'll pull out all together by Friday so I'm looking for alternative babysitters already.

I know the solution is to stop asking her to help but AIBU to be pissed off that she acts like this?

OH schema she sounds really self centred don't rely on her

She sounds annoying. You need to stop relying on your mum and arrange other baby sitters.

It's dreadful behaviour. It's almost as if she wants to out the kybosh on you being happy and successful. I don't know why this should be, though!

she was always palming you off OP as you said, why would she be any different with her grandchildren , that sounds really harsh doesn't it ?

If they are 13 and 11 OP - finding help shouldn't be too much of a problem.
How about leaving them largely to their own devices and asking a friendly neighbour to pop in and see that all's well?

Harsh but logical. I agree.

How old are the kids OP ?

They're 11 and 13. I could theoretically leave them with a takeaway, keys and phone number at hand and I'm sure they'd be fine - if they were a little older I probably would but 11 seems too young to be left all night.

Could you not ask their friends mums if they could stay over so 1 and 1 house IYSWIM

I ask as they are not a huge deal for your Mum to have then not like they babies or something. Why can they not tag along shopping? Yes ask for sleepovers. Sorry OP but can Dad not have them

Dad works friday nights.

Dad's mum (ex mil) has agreed though bless her. Will be the last time I ask my mum, can't be doing with this everytime.

Almost sounds like she enjoys pulling the rug out from under you at the last minute, particularly the university example.

But I may be getting mumsnet-carried-away.

I would definitely avoid relying on her at all tbh.

Yep, if you keep doing the same thing (relying on your mum) and keep getting the same bad outcome (her letting you down), they only way to ensure you won't get that outcome again is to not do the same thing.

Feel free to remember this (and the way she treated you as a child) when she needs care in later life.

I wouldn't normally suggest this, but given the ages of your DC and that she has such form for this :

I would say to her "Fine, we'll pick the kids up at 9am" - and then; just don't. Have your nice breakfast, get back to pick the kids up at noon. What can she possibly do about it? Worst case scenario, she goes shopping and either has to take your DC with her, or leave them at her house alone ( they're 11 and 13, they'll be fine). When she kicks off, point out to her that now she knows what it's like to be let down at short notice. If she goes in a huff, tough.

And naturally, do not accept any more offers of 'help'. She does sound as if she is trying to sabotage your life. I expect she is jealous.

Oh, and maybe switch your phone off from 9am.

I couldn't resist quoting Dr Phil on this one...

If you always do what you've always done then you will always get what you've always got!

Find another babysitter!

Agree, your mum won't stop messing you about. She is unreliable. Pretend she lives 4 hours away and stop looking to her for childcare. Find someone local and more reliable.
I probably wouldn't go away for the night on a weekend when I have my kids though. If their father works Friday night then in future I'd ask him to have the kids sat-sun and go away that part of the weekend.
I would never let my kids donw by not being there on time as another poster suggested. You have to stop expecting your mother to change though.

If you always do what you've always done then you will always get what you've always got!

I miss Dr phil whatever happened to him

He is alive and well on Finnish TV. We became such fans on holiday only English thing on apart from Emmerdale around the time of Annie Sugden.

time of Annie Sugden

we used to get him every day I did like him,

Ooh, I do like the expression 'Mumsnet-carried-away'. I'm filing taht away for future reference.

OP, I think you're probably right about your mother, sadly. Time to disengage a bit. And the new bloke sounds great.

It sounds like you've had years of experiencing your mother's flakiness, so why do you keep going back for more? She's obviously unreliable. You need to stop asking her for help, because it is very obvious she will let you down again sometime in the near future.

Can't she drop them off at yours in the morning? I understand your point about leaving them overnight but I think an 11 & 13 year old will be more than fine for a morning.

I was going to suggest doing what WhereYouLeftIt said. Just stay for your breakfast and ring her and say "Really sorry but Nigel's car won't start. Just trying to find some jumpleads now, we won't be there on time. Soz"

Well, I'd say Mother, that is unreasonable to ask me to be back hours early for a non emergency. You gave me your word, and committed yourself to this. We have made reservations for breakfast thing and we can't pick DC up until 12pm

And I would tell her later, after this is all done with that she is not reliable or trustworthy nor a woman of her word, and you will no longer be asking her for any favours.

Lol at Nigel. Is he called Nigel? He sounds like a Nigel.