AIBU in thinking that in trying to make things better for DD I have made them worse?

[ParanoidAnnie]

I've posted about DD before and always had great unbiased advice.

DD is 8 and had a horrendous year at school last school year (Year 3). I was constantly in with the Head as she was picked on by one particular girl who is very precocious and seemed to have a dislike of DD. DD had been physically hurt on several occasions. It culminated in me making a formal accusation of bullying against this child. It was a difficult decision as I know the parents and did speak to them socially on occasion. The day I made the accusation DD was actually afraid to go to school and I had to keep her off, so I didn't do it lightly if you see what I mean.

I do know that there were occasions when DD had retaliated (some pre meditated) to this girl and as far as I was concerned the situation was becoming intolerable and could not continue. My bright happy child was changing before my eyes and it was heart breaking.

This was all at the end of last term. The mother of the child in question reacted very badly to the bullying accusation. She refused to speak to me (her prerogative I know) and I didn't push it all. She turned her back on me in the yard constantly and refused to believe that her daughter had done anything wrong.

Roll forward to this year and on the first day of term this girl hurt DD by squeezing her arms so hard she left marks. DD followed instructions and informed teachers and didn't retaliate. The school logged the incident but at the time as there were no witnesses couldn't do anything despite my protestations. On Friday another girl came forward who HAD witnessed the incident and when questioned by the Head confirmed the story exactly as my DD had said. The girl was punished by missing 2 break times.

Now she is having a party and both her and her mum handed out invites to all the girls in DD's class apart from DD. DD was visibly upset but handled it very well. Again, heart breaking to watch for me as her mum. I didn't expect an invite given the history, but to hand out invites in front of DD and highlight the fact that she is the only one excluded is very cruel in my opinion.

Well done if you have got this far. What I am asking is - should I have left things? By reporting this bullying (officially) I feel that I have made matters worse for DD. This girl is constantly saying 'I can't be near you - I am not allowed'. It is a small school and this makes DD's life really difficult.

Sorry for the rambling!

Hi BB99. DD has had a better day. She has been to tea at her friends house (a boy - he's lovely). I've had a meeting with the Head, who wholeheartedly agreed with me that the party issue was handled very insensitively. He was quite dismayed. We had a very frank discussion. He was willing to address the issue, but I decided against it. I can't see what it will achieve, and it could cause more distress for DD.

On a positive note, he was full of praise for how DD and I are handling the situation. He had a chat with DD this afternoon to tell her he was keeping an eye on things, he knows she has been upset and she can come to him at any time.

DD cried again going to school this morning, and I needed to be very frank with her. I told her whilst it was mean, she needed to concentrate on other more positive things I.e trips away we have planned and forget about the party as she wouldn't enjoy it anyway. There are at least 12 girls in an averge size bedroom! Chances are they will end up fighting!

She is inviting her 'boy' friend for a movie and popcorn on the night of the party. Her choice. Not a sleepover, but he can stay late.

marysbeard I am gob smacked that this girls mum approached you, a child, in the playground. I would go crazy if an adult challenged my DD. thesevthings are best dealt with in the school.

It may well be that the Mum told the child to be discreet, but she wasn't! The mum did watch and didn't seem to mind. Putting aside how the invites were handed out, it is still mean to exclude one. She would have found out eventually.

I am so reassured that I have made things better for DD by reporting this bullying and that I did the right thing. Thanks to everyone of you.

Glad to hear the Head is taking it seriously - would be suprised if he didn't.

Hope you have a happier morning tomorrow.

It's a wee young age to get your head around the fact that sometimes a person just doesn't like you / treat you well and it's actually nothing to do with you or that there's anything wrong with you, more the other person.

the bully isn't being dealt with effectively by the school. How is 'keeping an eye on it' helpful?

Tell your dd to punch the other girl in the nose-she needs to do it very very hard. She will only need to do it once

You have done everything right. Keep logging and telling the teachers about her behviour when ever it happens. You are making a stand for your DD and you are teaching her some great values despite the awful situation. You are teaching her how to sort problems out calmly and not to accept bad treatment. The other child must be unhappy generally and is very much a product of her environment. The parents partly created that bully and by turning thier back on you, are failing to deal with the issues in a suitable and supportive manner.

Maybe take DD out with a special friend on the day of the party?

I have to say, I know it's not PC, but I love imonthefone's suggestion. This was what a friend of mine who was being physically bullied eventually did (we were teenagers, it was 1986, admittedly - things were quite different then!) but her bully never told on her about the punch and also never touched her again.
My DD was bullied briefly in Yr1 (!) by a girl who repeatedly pushed her and shouted/swore at her in the playground. This went on periodically for about a fortnight, I eventually snapped with the 'ignore it, tell your teacher, etc etc' (the teacher apparently 'watched them' and saw nothing) and told DD that the next time the bully pushed her, to look her straight in the eyes and say very clearly, firmly and loudly, "Do NOT push me, "bully's name." It worked. My DD was a very shy, introverted child and I think bully-girl realised that and took advantage. It took a lot for DD to be able to do it - I made her practise saying it with me and her sister. The bully never did anything ever again and I didn't speak to the mum about it. In your case, the mum was probably a bully herself at school, hence the inability to speak with you about the situation and the whole shoddy party invite business. Good luck! I think you did the right thing - your DD will always remember that you stuck up for her!