AIBU in thinking that in trying to make things better for DD I have made them worse?

[ParanoidAnnie]

I've posted about DD before and always had great unbiased advice.

DD is 8 and had a horrendous year at school last school year (Year 3). I was constantly in with the Head as she was picked on by one particular girl who is very precocious and seemed to have a dislike of DD. DD had been physically hurt on several occasions. It culminated in me making a formal accusation of bullying against this child. It was a difficult decision as I know the parents and did speak to them socially on occasion. The day I made the accusation DD was actually afraid to go to school and I had to keep her off, so I didn't do it lightly if you see what I mean.

I do know that there were occasions when DD had retaliated (some pre meditated) to this girl and as far as I was concerned the situation was becoming intolerable and could not continue. My bright happy child was changing before my eyes and it was heart breaking.

This was all at the end of last term. The mother of the child in question reacted very badly to the bullying accusation. She refused to speak to me (her prerogative I know) and I didn't push it all. She turned her back on me in the yard constantly and refused to believe that her daughter had done anything wrong.

Roll forward to this year and on the first day of term this girl hurt DD by squeezing her arms so hard she left marks. DD followed instructions and informed teachers and didn't retaliate. The school logged the incident but at the time as there were no witnesses couldn't do anything despite my protestations. On Friday another girl came forward who HAD witnessed the incident and when questioned by the Head confirmed the story exactly as my DD had said. The girl was punished by missing 2 break times.

Now she is having a party and both her and her mum handed out invites to all the girls in DD's class apart from DD. DD was visibly upset but handled it very well. Again, heart breaking to watch for me as her mum. I didn't expect an invite given the history, but to hand out invites in front of DD and highlight the fact that she is the only one excluded is very cruel in my opinion.

Well done if you have got this far. What I am asking is - should I have left things? By reporting this bullying (officially) I feel that I have made matters worse for DD. This girl is constantly saying 'I can't be near you - I am not allowed'. It is a small school and this makes DD's life really difficult.

Sorry for the rambling!

It is very immature of the mother to deliberately exclude another child but would you have sent your daughter to the bullies party and would she have been invited in the first place if this other girl did not like her?

DD crying her heart out tonight when she came home. As I suspected, all girls from her year invited to this extravaganza except DD. She is distraught as in her words 'she doesn't understand why she is always so mean to her, and that she is the only one left out'. She was aware that the invites were handed out when she was with 3 girls chatting, and she was the only one not to get one. She knows this was mean.

Myself and DH have done our best to console her. We have told her we will do something special with her. We have smothered her in love and hugs. We have explained what this child and her mother have done is mean, but also tried to let her know why. I guess when you are 8, she needs more than our love. She needs to be accepted at school, and have friendships.

I feel strongly enough to do something about it, but I just don't know what? I can't see my lovely daughter this upset again. She was trying to hold it in, as she didn't want to upset me

Personally I'd also mention the party thing to the school. I know our school generally discourages parties where one child is left out even when there's no bullying because lets face it - its just bloody spiteful behaviour.

I suspect the other mother is trying to pretend its not happening and prove her daughter is lovely and popular and let's face it lots of bullies are popular on the surface as people are too scared not to be their friends.

You sound like you're handling it really well Paranoid - hugs for you and your DD.

take your child out of that school. educate her at home if you have to. don't waste any more of her life on those people.

I too think you should tell the school about the party invites as it is a clear indicator that the girl's parents are backing up her bullying behaviour. The mother really needs to grow up, wonder where her DD learnt her delightful behaviour from eh?

The other girl isn't inviting her to her party because she doesn't like her. She has to accept that with this girl yes it is personal, but that it's just one girl.
I think her getting upset at being excluded is understandable but there is nothing you can do except reiterate that yes the other girl was mean in inviting everyone except her but this is just one party and just one girl. Unless your daughter has no friends at all it is inevitable that she would be standing near other girls when the invites were handed out.
8 is a crap age. I remember my son coming home from school telling me he played with his invisible friend at playtimes because the boys wouldn't play with him because he wasn't one of the football boys. Now as a teenager he has a group of equally geeky friends and is happy.
My daughter seemed to come home nearly every other week in tears after a spat with one friend or another.
They are struggling to find a peer group and desperate to be loved by everyone, plus at that age the pushy kids tend to be the leaders.
Just support her through it, don't get too upset yourself by it or drawn into petty squabbles and help her develop her own character and interests. Also stress that developing your own character dosn't mean being nice to bullies to try and make them like you.

lovebunny I think the reality is that I am left with no choice than to remove both my children from this school. All due to the actions of one family.

But there are ways of tactfully distributing party invites without rubbing it in the faces of the non-invitees, and to invite absolutely everyone except the OPs DD is very pointed. Thats the problem - not just the non-invitation.

Why on earth would the op decide to home educate because of one child's unpleasant behaviour? op you are doing all the right things. Please don't rise to the party invite nastiness. It isn't worth it and will I think inflame the situation. Whilst it was unkind, the school are unlikely to do much about it and if this mum is determined to make it a personal quarrel with you, complaining will just make her more unpleasant. Continue to stick up for your daughter. I think the more you discuss the party the more upsetting it will be for your dd.

If you were constantly in with the Head last year, do you think the school are very effective in dealing with this?

"Small school" can be problematic as fewer kids = less friendship options.

If your other child is happy and settled why remove them? Also you get bullies at all schools. I think it's far too early to look at moving schools and would give it until at least half term, probably xmas. The party will then be long gone. OK your daughter doesn't get on with this one girl but how is she for other friends? How does your other child at the school get on? If the other child is fine he or she might feel aggrieved at leaving their friends just because their sister got upset over not getting a party invite.

2rebecca to make it clear, this girl deliberately went to this group of 4 girls and left DD out. In my opinion it could have waited. She was doing it to be mean, of that I have no doubt.

I know this is a difficult age, but it doesn't excuse some of this girls behaviour.

You are right about the petty squabbles though, and I do try desperately to distinguish between these and the serious bullying/physical stuff. You are right also re trying to establish peer groups etc. DD is always trying to please people, instead of just being her lovely natural self.

mrsoscar. DH wants another meeting with the school as one last ditch attempt to save th intubation before we move them. I will make them aware of the party situation tomorrow.

mrscmpbell thanks for your very true and kind words.

It's cruel, malicious and actually quite wicked what this mother is doing.

You are doing the right thing - your dd will hold her head high and know she has done nothing wrong except excite the jealousy and meanness of two petty people.

There will be other children who will be targeted by this bully and her mother.

Your dd will be stronger for this experience and so lucky to have parents who shower her with love and support and understanding. Try to play it down a bit now though.

2rebecca I wouldn't be removing her over a party invite! I am not that shallow. This has been a long ongoing issue. This child has physically hurt my DD. I just want this pain and anguish to end.

DD is more friendly with the boys. She has one very good friend, a boy of course. He is lovely, and sticks up for her always. She doesn't play much with the girls, as when she tries she is normally beaten back by this QueenBee.

No, I don't think the school were proactive in dealing with it. Which is why I made it a formal accusation. This was 2 weeks before the end of last term, so really we are on our third of week of them dealing with as a proper issue.

Winky thank you

cansu and others who have said play it down are of course right. What I really want to do is see this mother in the morning and tell her exactly what I think of her behaviour. She is the reason my DD is crying herself to sleep.

I won't though, as I don't think it will change anything.

If you have a whole class of party invites to distribute though then you have to do it at break or dinner time when it is unlikely your daughter will be on her own. I remeber handing out party invites at school and although i didn't invite the whole class, I was inviting about half the girls and inevitably would hand out invites to some girls in a group and not others. This girl doesn't like your daughter so she isn't going to go out of her way to be nice to her. I suspect age 8 I may have enjoyed handing out an invite to a girl i liked and pointedly ignoring a girl I didn't like. Children aren't diplomatic and sophisticated.
This is still just one party and one girl though. You and your daughter have to accept it is one mean girl in the school, other schools will have other mean girls. I understand your daughter being upset but think you are making too much of it, so this unpleasant girl is becoming more imprtant than all the pleasant ones. After the party if this girl has been told to leave your daughter alone things should settle down. Your daughter has to be encouraged to concentrate on the girls she gets on with and to ignore this girl and not be looking to see whether she is looking at her/ ignoring her etc.

You may well be right 2rebecca. I can't see it at the moment as I have a heartbroken DD in bed crying right now.

As a mother I would not let my DD single a child out in this way. Not under any circumstance. Even when it comes to DD'S birthday, I won't react in the same way.

Emotional bullying can have a profound effect on a child's confidence, and seriously affect them as they mature. Whilst you may have had a small moment of pleasure excluding a child from a party, never under estimate the impact this can have on the recipient of your behaviour.

Also remember that this isn't an isolated incident.

I didn't want to focus on the party, it was more to do with whether my actions in reporting the bullying had made the situation worse. The non invite is as a result of this.

Before you take her out of school I would try to have another discussion with the Head and if you don't feel she is taking it on then say you want to see their complaints policy which will probably outline contacting your local council or OFSTED (? not sure about this as I am in Scotland?)

I think if the Head sees that you are serious and not going to let it go then she should pull her socks up. In some ways she would prob be ok with you taking your child out of the school as then the problem is gone, despite the fact that your child is not the cause of the problem.

If the situation can be resolved with your child staying at the school it would be so much better for her, it sounds a bit like just now she might feel like she is moving because no one likes her when this is far from the case.

Poor wee lamb, can you remind her that one of her friends came forward to tell the teacher the truth about when the girl hurt her arm and she wouldn't have done that if she didn't like her.

It's nearly always the one who does the blanking who is in the wrong. They just can't admit it to themselves.

I don't think you have made the situation worse. You have done the right thing. However it's a great shame if the school isn't being proactive in dealing with bullying. If they don't prioritise it then I can see why you're thinking of moving.

Hi paranoid

hope your dd had a better day today and you're getting a chance to see the head.

Deliberately leaving one child out like that is bullying, IMO :(

I had a similar situation with a girl at school at the same age. She wasn't bullying me, or a Queen Bee type, but I found her a PITA for a couple of years and we had a fair bit of confrontation. She would be all friendly for a bit, but then follow me round like a sheep & start copying my work. This really used to bother me as I would worry unduly about getting into trouble if our work had the same wrong answers etc. Then when I got cross with her for copying and tell her to get lost she would start getting violent, punching me on the arm or kicking me in the playground, so I would kick her back, harder & she would run & tell the dinner lady.

Eventually this got back to her mum, who first bollocked me in the playground for "bullying" her daughter, then took it up with the school, then had a rant at my dad at dance class, who told her politely to feck off. Anyway it was all sorted in the end by the school speaking to both "sides" and we were just always separated in the class until it blew over.

Basically what was happening was her mum was jealous of me (& rather unhinged but also self-important, my husband is a councillor dontcha know etc) and making snidey comments to her daughter who was then taking it out on me. Poor kid, I feel a bit sorry for her now, having a mum like that :(

The invites should have been put into book bags. Knowing of the bullying issue it should have been handled a lot more sensitively.

I think for parties either invite them all, or invite a small group - never leave one kid out. The mum has been very mean spirited to do it this way and encourage her DD to hand the invites out at school knowing only your DD wasn't invited.

I think you should complain to the school about the invites being handed out in this way.

I would also help your DD with continuing to let her invites friends round for tea, boys or girls whoever she likes. I would also look at any other places she could make friends out of school to increase her confidence.

You need to double check that the mother didn't give the bully girl an invite. They Can be sneaky as hell and its not impossible that the bully girl told her DM that your DD tore up the invite. ( or something similar)

It's also possible that the bully girls DM told her to be discrete when handing out the invites

I doubt this is the case but you never know.