WIBU to give the photo to my father?

[Photocrazy]

Need opinions here.
I'm a regular, but have name changed for this.

In brief:
I grew up without knowing my dad. Mum brought me up for the majority of the time as a single parent.
She never spoke to me about my dad, or why they split up, why there is no contact, and I never had photos of him, his family etc. He was a
stranger. I didn't know of any good, and I didnt know of any bad, I didnt know what he looked like, or his character other than "he wasn't very nice". They were together for around 2 years, and were in their early 20's when they had me.

When I turned 23ish, I found him and we slowly built up a relationship (we still are). We met for the first time, and amongst other things, I gave him old photos I had of me when I was a toddler for him to keep. He had no pictures of me at all either.

When I decided to get in contact with dad, I deliberatly made the decision to not tell mum and other members of my family. This was not to be sneaky or decietful, but only because it really was not anything to do with them, but more for my needs and to get answers in my life. By this point I was a mum myself, and pregnant with my 2nd, so I realy felt the gap of a missing grandparent.

There was a photo of me which I gave him. It was when I was 16 ish, it was taken on my little (half) sisters 7th birthday, and we are all in the kitchen: me, mum, sister, (half) brother, and mums ex MIL.
I had this photo for years. So when I met dad for the first time, I didnt think anything of it to hand it over to him along with the other pictures of me when younger.

Fast forward to now.
I visited my dad for the first time at his house, and took my uncle along with me. Uncle was eager to see dad, as he got on well with him during the time mum and dad were together, and also lost contact with dad when mum left him, and hadnt seen him since then.

When I told uncle about the contact with dad, and my intention to tell mum about the whole situation, he warned me to tell mum over the phone, and not to her face, as she is hot headed. She has a habit of blowing things out of proportion, gets upset easily and over reacts - His words (and to some extent the opinions and comments of other immediate family members as well). This was his advice, and I go on it, intending to tell mum at the end of the week once back home after staying at mums during the summer holidays.

We are at dads house, and Uncle saw the photo of me as a teenager with mum in the kitchen, out on dads manlte piece.

Back at home, uncle has opened his big mouth to mum when they were out and told her where we went, about me being in contact with dad, and he mentions the photo.(!) DH called that shit stirring BTW!

Mum hits the roof to me, and I got a very stern telling off, BUT, she says its not because I'm in contact with dad, or went to see him, but because I gave a photo away that had her face in it as well as my brother and sister.

I'm puzzled now. I say whats the harm? She says its because she doesnt want him to see her or her business, and that she is very uncomfortable that dad has seen a little into her life - "like the enemy has spied on me, and looked in through the keyhole" or words to that effect.

I say, but you have your face on your facebook page?! Her profile picture is her face, close up, smiling, with a section of the front room in the background from where it was taken. Anyone can see that as its a public profile, and I mentioned the very real possibility of dad and his family tapping her name in the search bar and seeing her face anyway! She says thats different as its deliberate. I didnt give permission to give the photo away and had no right.

She then tells me that dad was "so horrible, and was totally totally awful" in the past and thats why she hates the idea of him having her photo. Incredibly, up to that point (27years) she still refused to tell me why they split, and I had to practically beg her to tell me. By this point I thought she was going to tell me he had murdered someone, and she had to go into hiding, she was so reluctant and cagey.

My defence was he is family, he is my dad. I didnt know what went on in the past between them, and those in the picture are my family as well, and as much a part of my life as hers. Why shouldn't I have given it? I honestly didn't know!

She was so upset 'Id passed over the photo, I cut the holiday short and offered I leave to give her some space to process everything said during the conversation.

WI wrong to give it?
I'm genuinly baffled by the whole affair, and sad it all came to this.

I don't think you are BU, but it's a tricky one to call. I've been in a similarish situation and it's not nice being squished between conflicting relations. Hope you guys can sort it all out without too much heartache.

I think YABU.

Mainly to have not been open with your DM about all this. You didn't keep it to yourself, you told (and took with you) your uncle. If it had just been you, that would've been fine.

I agree with her on the photo as well.

There may be things she hasn't told you because they are personal to her and she doesn't feel able to share them. That's her right.

Was it your photo? Then you've done noting wrong.

Unless what he did to your mother was so heinous, she has a right to feel violated and creeped out.

I know you must want to know what happened between them but children aren't always entitled to be privy to their parents personal relations.

If it was so bad hats off to her for not bad mouthing him to you.

Your uncle cannot be trusted however. He could have really messed up the relationship with your mother. I'd be giving him a big row for not keeping his mouth shut.

Maybe get the photo back anyway as it sounds like a nice momentous of a special occasion.

I think your mother is being a bit ridiculous. Can't really see that you have done anything wrong. It would be different if she was crazy about privacy and you knew it would upset her.
Could she maybe be upset about you seeing your dad and not telling her and it is those feelings coming out rather than anything about the photo.

I agree with Tidy tbh.

Think it´s really odd to involve your uncle & not your mum.

Yes maybe he did shit stir-or did he just tell his sister?

Good luck with building the relationship with your dad, that can be very difficult after such a long time and your mother should really be supporting you. If what he did was so terrible than she should tell you to protect you more than worry about her ex seeing her face.
Oh, maybe she was just embarrassed, has she put on a lot of weight or look significantly different from how she did 27 years ago? That's the only reason i would ever be so precious about an old photo.

I agree it was her right, and that it was something she felt was right to do at the time. But to never tell me ANYTHING about my father? Not when I was 16, 18, when I moved out from home and started my own life, or when I became a mum myself? I'm sure I had a right to know at least something.

She told me eventually they split because:
He slept with other women
He slapped her a few times
He was repeatedly in trouble with the police for breaking into peoples homes and stealing
His family never accepted her
He smoked a lot of weed
He kept the money intended as rent, therefore making them homeless and forcing them to squat.
He was controlling.

I was grateful she told me all this, but did gently tell her I could have handled knowing all this earlier in my life, and similar things happened between her and her two later husbands, of which I knew all about and which she shared with me. She said thats only because I was old enough to witness it and be a shoulder to cry on.

She may have only told you the tip of the iceberg there, and to be fair he does sound like a rather nasty person.

You do have the right to know him, but I think I can understand her reluctance to tell you things, and also her worries that he may now want to get in touch with her again.

These are issues you need to deal with with your mother, now that she has told you. I can understand why she didn't. She was in an abusive relationship, sounds like she wanted to protect you from knowing that your dad was that kind of person. I don't think you can really condemn her for feeling that way.

Not sure why, knowing all that, you thought it was appropriate to hand your father a photo of your mum. In her mind (and I don't blame her) that is the act of you inserting her back into his life. Quite understandable that she's not happy about it.

Still think you should've either told no one, or been open with her. Involving your uncle sounds like a bad move all round.

Totally out of order and insensitive to introduce your uncle, not your mum! I'm amazed you did that. I think you're lucky she's only told you off about the photo!
I would understand you not telling her at first (understandable though not ideal) but to re-introduce her brother...?!

As to the photo, well - it's yours to give, and I don't think she has any right to be REALLY angry. But tbh, I think it was a bit odd. Surely you have other photos? Your half sister is not his family, your mother is his ex - if I were your mum, I'd be annoyed, certainly. It just doesn't seem a sensitive choice.

No one knows what goes on within a marriage and, in my case, there are things that I would never tell anyone else. Do not press your mother to tell you what went on between your parents.

You gave the photograph to your father so I hope it was your property. If not, YABVU.

I also think YABU for not telling your mother that you were to contact your father the first time. That was underhand so it's no wonder she is cross.

I think you were wrong to give your dad a photo with anyone in it other than yourself. Especially if it had your mother in it.

She looks beautiful in the picture. She has such a photogenic face and smile, and she is slim in the photo.

The photo was part of my collection.

She says she is disrtrustful of me now, and that she thinks I went into her things and stole photos to give to dad.

I gave the picture 4 years ago when I first met dad. A year before that was when I moved out of mums. I visited mum for the first time since moving out, last october. I couldnt have 'stolen' it from her house. He had already had the picture by then.

Jesus. He sounds horrific. Sorry but he does.

I too would want to be utterly rid of someone like that. And I too would be angry about a personal family photo of me and mine being given to him.

Have read your other post now. I agree, she should have told you more. But you know, even if their split was amicable and he just lost touch, I think it was very odd of you to give him a photo of family that is not his, and introducing your uncle.
Tbh, presuming your uncle at least knew some of the past, if I were your mum I'd be SEETHING at his disloyalty. If my brother wanted to be mates with someone who hit me, he'd not be my brother any more.
I'm sorry this is awful stuff to find out about your dad - but please, cut your mum some slack. It may seem odd to focus on a photo, but this is about so much more.

I can totally understand how your mum feels on this one. I wouldn't want them to have my photo either in her case and I think she explained it very well.

However, what's done is done and I wouldn't go and try to get your dad to take it down. I would sincerely apologise to your mother, saying you didn't know it would cause her so much anguish and you certainly won't give him any more old family photos with other members of your family in it.

Not right of her to not say anything, but as the saying goes, two wrongs don't make a right.

You would all be angry about your DD giving a photo of herself with her family to her father? Yes he sounds not too nice but the OPs mother never told her that until after the photo fiasco. Yes your uncle sounds a bit of a stirrer but you were completely within your rights to introduce your uncle to your your father.

Difficult one, and it does sound like she is blowing it out of proportion.

That said, I think YWBU to give him a photo with her in it. It sounds to me like she is upset that you kept this contact from her, especially because you involved her brother in it too, and is perhaps pinning this upset on the photo issue.

You should have told her you were making contact, I can see why she's upset.

I would be utterly furious if my children gave their selfish fuckwit of a father a photo with me in it.

Not too nice? A wife beater etc? Not too nice? Are you kidding me?

In your position i would apologise for causing your mother any hurt, it was unintentional but it shouldn't be a big massive thing to fall out over.

Well yes i would say wife beaters aren't generally that nice. And it is the OPs father.

TinyDancing, it sounds like you have been lucky enough never to have been in a violent or abusive relationship. OP wasnt "introducing" her uncle to her father, she was reconnecting her mums brother with a bloke who had been a twat to his sister.. wasnt as if he was a stranger, and I cant see how the uncle wouldnt have known at least some of the history either.

Yabu

I'm with your mother.

I have only met my bio father a few times and cannot comprehend giving him a picture of my mum and other siblings.

I think YABU to give him a photo where your family unrelated to him are pictured. In fact, I just can't imagine why you would have thought that was
OK. Surely you must have had other photos of just you.

I can see why you're mum was very annoyed, when even putting herself to one side you've given her ex husband photos of her children.

Surely it's not beyond the wit of most people to assume people don't divorce because they like each other and want to be part of each others lives, even reading your OP I would have bet money on their being a lot of bad feeling as a minimum.