WIBU to give the photo to my father?

[Photocrazy]

Need opinions here.
I'm a regular, but have name changed for this.

In brief:
I grew up without knowing my dad. Mum brought me up for the majority of the time as a single parent.
She never spoke to me about my dad, or why they split up, why there is no contact, and I never had photos of him, his family etc. He was a
stranger. I didn't know of any good, and I didnt know of any bad, I didnt know what he looked like, or his character other than "he wasn't very nice". They were together for around 2 years, and were in their early 20's when they had me.

When I turned 23ish, I found him and we slowly built up a relationship (we still are). We met for the first time, and amongst other things, I gave him old photos I had of me when I was a toddler for him to keep. He had no pictures of me at all either.

When I decided to get in contact with dad, I deliberatly made the decision to not tell mum and other members of my family. This was not to be sneaky or decietful, but only because it really was not anything to do with them, but more for my needs and to get answers in my life. By this point I was a mum myself, and pregnant with my 2nd, so I realy felt the gap of a missing grandparent.

There was a photo of me which I gave him. It was when I was 16 ish, it was taken on my little (half) sisters 7th birthday, and we are all in the kitchen: me, mum, sister, (half) brother, and mums ex MIL.
I had this photo for years. So when I met dad for the first time, I didnt think anything of it to hand it over to him along with the other pictures of me when younger.

Fast forward to now.
I visited my dad for the first time at his house, and took my uncle along with me. Uncle was eager to see dad, as he got on well with him during the time mum and dad were together, and also lost contact with dad when mum left him, and hadnt seen him since then.

When I told uncle about the contact with dad, and my intention to tell mum about the whole situation, he warned me to tell mum over the phone, and not to her face, as she is hot headed. She has a habit of blowing things out of proportion, gets upset easily and over reacts - His words (and to some extent the opinions and comments of other immediate family members as well). This was his advice, and I go on it, intending to tell mum at the end of the week once back home after staying at mums during the summer holidays.

We are at dads house, and Uncle saw the photo of me as a teenager with mum in the kitchen, out on dads manlte piece.

Back at home, uncle has opened his big mouth to mum when they were out and told her where we went, about me being in contact with dad, and he mentions the photo.(!) DH called that shit stirring BTW!

Mum hits the roof to me, and I got a very stern telling off, BUT, she says its not because I'm in contact with dad, or went to see him, but because I gave a photo away that had her face in it as well as my brother and sister.

I'm puzzled now. I say whats the harm? She says its because she doesnt want him to see her or her business, and that she is very uncomfortable that dad has seen a little into her life - "like the enemy has spied on me, and looked in through the keyhole" or words to that effect.

I say, but you have your face on your facebook page?! Her profile picture is her face, close up, smiling, with a section of the front room in the background from where it was taken. Anyone can see that as its a public profile, and I mentioned the very real possibility of dad and his family tapping her name in the search bar and seeing her face anyway! She says thats different as its deliberate. I didnt give permission to give the photo away and had no right.

She then tells me that dad was "so horrible, and was totally totally awful" in the past and thats why she hates the idea of him having her photo. Incredibly, up to that point (27years) she still refused to tell me why they split, and I had to practically beg her to tell me. By this point I thought she was going to tell me he had murdered someone, and she had to go into hiding, she was so reluctant and cagey.

My defence was he is family, he is my dad. I didnt know what went on in the past between them, and those in the picture are my family as well, and as much a part of my life as hers. Why shouldn't I have given it? I honestly didn't know!

She was so upset 'Id passed over the photo, I cut the holiday short and offered I leave to give her some space to process everything said during the conversation.

WI wrong to give it?
I'm genuinly baffled by the whole affair, and sad it all came to this.

YADBU at all.. what have have written mirrors my situation .... I did not see my father for 27 years, didn't want to upset my Mum when we tried to trace him, when we finally traced him and he called one Saturday morning it was like a huge gap had been filled and we met that afternoon......
My mother kicked of royally, threatening all sorts... I carried on my relationship with both.

Even 90% of the reasons your Mum gave for them splitting up are the same my Mum gave me, which says to me that there is a lot more to the story on both sides. I made it very clear to both that I did not want to know what had happened in the past and was only interested in the future and if they could not support me in that then do not comment.
As for taking your Uncle if you felt that this was the right thing to do, then good on you. Your Uncle on the other hand was so out of order reporting to your Mother and I would take him to task about that.
I hope you develop a great relationship with your Dad and are able to keep the same with your Mum.

So diaimchlo, the OP should ignore the fact that:
He slept with other women
He slapped her a few times
He was repeatedly in trouble with the police for breaking into peoples homes and stealing
His family never accepted her
He smoked a lot of weed
He kept the money intended as rent, therefore making them homeless and forcing them to squat.
He was controlling.

Do you really think that, however much you want a relationship with your father (I use the term loosely), you should ignore the past and only be interested in the future?
And I don't understand Even 90% of the reasons your Mum gave for them splitting up are the same my Mum gave me, which says to me that there is a lot more to the story on both sides.

I would also be as hurt as the OP's mother. The OP isn't the only one in this family and I think she needs to tread sensitively. Her mother was there for her. Her father wasn't.

I don't give out peoples photo's without permission, and it really would annoy me if I were your mother. However you retrieved it, you sound baffled but apologetic, and that should be it. At least your mom looked great in the pic, hope it made him have regrets for being abusive to her.
Your uncle was not very nice to say one thing to you then turn around and do another.

A bit of a different scenario, but my brother got in touch with our father a couple of years ago (he had never met him, I knew him until I was five)

I made sure that he knew if he ever shared any kind of information that went beyond antsy is fine and well, or showed him photographs then we would have a serious issue, after DD was born he requested through my brother a photo of us both, which I declined.

I am pretty sure he knows all about me, DD and has photos, because I do not trust my brother, I love him, but I don't trust that he will have done as I asked.

My father was not abusive to me, but he was a drunk, drug addict, criminal, thug, serial philanderer, he hit my grandmother (who raised me) and when my mother finally left him it was after he had jumped on my gran and beaten her because she questioned his lies, in doing so I tired to defend her and got punched in the face for my trouble.

As far as I am concerned, I have no father, he had no interest in his children, he didn't care where we were, what we were doing, how we were getting on, he didn't pay one single penny towards us.

The thought of him having photos of me and a GD he did not care about before on his mantelpiece, saying that this was his daughter and GD when people asked, looking at us like he knows us, it makes me feel sick and tired and angry.

It may just be a photo to you, he may be your father, he may just have slapped her around a bit or been on drugs, tell me, how would you feel about your partner doing that OP? and when you had escaped it, lived with the knowledge that one day your child will want to know this man... but then find out not only has she lied about it, but also given him pictures of you to look at, to remember by, and your other children as well.

YWBVU, and I hope you apologise to your mother and make an effort to resolve things, it is such a massive invasion of privacy.

YABU, I know you are saying that you didn't know what he'd done, but surely the fact that your mum wouldn't even talk about him should have been a massive hint?

Nanny... You can only understand a situation if you have experienced something similar yourself...... what I am saying is that there is 2 sides to every split up story, which after a long period of time can get emphasized by both parties.
The OP had been denied contact with her father for a long time for whatever reasons the relevant people had so she was never afforded the benefit of making her own mind up. I am sure that her Mum thought that she was acting appropriately in denying contact and that her Dad hadn't done enough to keep contact with her for their own individual reasons but neither have realised the enormous gap these decisions leave on the child and their future family. As the OP said she had already had a child and had another one on the way, these children have a right to know their roots and make a decision as to whether they want to be part of them.

Do you really think that, however much you want a relationship with your father (I use the term loosely), you should ignore the past and only be interested in the future?
Who are any of us to sit in judgement on a situation that none of us have been witness to.
It is sad that you use the term loosely I grew to love my Father for the man I met after 27 years for who he was then till he died, I saw faults in his make up and could understand why my parents marriage had not worked without pointing fingers of blame.

diaimchlo, did you give your father a photo of your mother and half siblings?

I think your mother was being unreasonable NOT to tell you about your father. Yes, he may have had some awful traits but there must have been some reason she was with him!

I wouldn't dwell on things, continue to get to know your father if you wish to but accept that your mum wants no part of it. No more photos or references to her.

SoupDragon I showed my Father photos of my family which on many of them my Mum was there... I also shared photos of him with my Mum as well both accepted that the past was the past. I did not have any half siblings so on that note no.

YAB a bit U about the photo - I have an ex family member who was v toxic and he still has contact with his children, my relatives. Because of his personality and behaviour I am extremely reluctant for this person ever to know anythIng about me, see pics of my DH and kids (none of whom he has met) and would be v cross if his children
Volunteered any info about us to him. So I can see where your mum is coming from in this respect, and the 'free choice' comment.

On the complete silence about your father, she IBU.

I think you've gone about this the wrong way and can understand why your mum might feel betrayed. How did he react seeing your siblings and mum in the picture? What has he said about why they split up? Why tell and take your uncle?

You've dropped an awful lot in your mum's lap to suddenly deal with, can you see that?

I have experienced what you're going through op. However i think YABU. I would be livid in your mums position. I do not think you meant to hurt her on purpose, I think you are just insensitive. I wish you well with both relationships.

good grief. don't you think your behaviour was self-centred and tactless?

yes, you have a right to find your dad and you did. yes, you have a right to keep it secret until you want to tell - but giving him photos of your mum? and taking your uncle along to a meet? that's really underhand. i take it you don't like your mum much.

had it occurred to you that his 'horrible' and 'awful' behaviour might have involved emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse, and that might be why your mum is still sensitive?

and you really do not have a right to give away pictures of your mother and her children without her permission. what a terrible thing to do.

recently, at my grandaughter's christening, my ex father in law came along, smirking, with his camera, to take a picture of 'the grandma' - me, alone. his purpose was to have evidence for his son and cronies that i don't look like the eighteen-year-old i once was. i let him have his picture; he and they can rot in hell for it. photographs are a big deal.