Need opinions here.
I'm a regular, but have name changed for this.
In brief:
I grew up without knowing my dad. Mum brought me up for the majority of the time as a single parent.
She never spoke to me about my dad, or why they split up, why there is no contact, and I never had photos of him, his family etc. He was a
stranger. I didn't know of any good, and I didnt know of any bad, I didnt know what he looked like, or his character other than "he wasn't very nice". They were together for around 2 years, and were in their early 20's when they had me.
When I turned 23ish, I found him and we slowly built up a relationship (we still are). We met for the first time, and amongst other things, I gave him old photos I had of me when I was a toddler for him to keep. He had no pictures of me at all either.
When I decided to get in contact with dad, I deliberatly made the decision to not tell mum and other members of my family. This was not to be sneaky or decietful, but only because it really was not anything to do with them, but more for my needs and to get answers in my life. By this point I was a mum myself, and pregnant with my 2nd, so I realy felt the gap of a missing grandparent.
There was a photo of me which I gave him. It was when I was 16 ish, it was taken on my little (half) sisters 7th birthday, and we are all in the kitchen: me, mum, sister, (half) brother, and mums ex MIL.
I had this photo for years. So when I met dad for the first time, I didnt think anything of it to hand it over to him along with the other pictures of me when younger.
Fast forward to now.
I visited my dad for the first time at his house, and took my uncle along with me. Uncle was eager to see dad, as he got on well with him during the time mum and dad were together, and also lost contact with dad when mum left him, and hadnt seen him since then.
When I told uncle about the contact with dad, and my intention to tell mum about the whole situation, he warned me to tell mum over the phone, and not to her face, as she is hot headed. She has a habit of blowing things out of proportion, gets upset easily and over reacts - His words (and to some extent the opinions and comments of other immediate family members as well). This was his advice, and I go on it, intending to tell mum at the end of the week once back home after staying at mums during the summer holidays.
We are at dads house, and Uncle saw the photo of me as a teenager with mum in the kitchen, out on dads manlte piece.
Back at home, uncle has opened his big mouth to mum when they were out and told her where we went, about me being in contact with dad, and he mentions the photo.(!) DH called that shit stirring BTW!
Mum hits the roof to me, and I got a very stern telling off, BUT, she says its not because I'm in contact with dad, or went to see him, but because I gave a photo away that had her face in it as well as my brother and sister.
I'm puzzled now. I say whats the harm? She says its because she doesnt want him to see her or her business, and that she is very uncomfortable that dad has seen a little into her life - "like the enemy has spied on me, and looked in through the keyhole" or words to that effect.
I say, but you have your face on your facebook page?! Her profile picture is her face, close up, smiling, with a section of the front room in the background from where it was taken. Anyone can see that as its a public profile, and I mentioned the very real possibility of dad and his family tapping her name in the search bar and seeing her face anyway! She says thats different as its deliberate. I didnt give permission to give the photo away and had no right.
She then tells me that dad was "so horrible, and was totally totally awful" in the past and thats why she hates the idea of him having her photo. Incredibly, up to that point (27years) she still refused to tell me why they split, and I had to practically beg her to tell me. By this point I thought she was going to tell me he had murdered someone, and she had to go into hiding, she was so reluctant and cagey.
My defence was he is family, he is my dad. I didnt know what went on in the past between them, and those in the picture are my family as well, and as much a part of my life as hers. Why shouldn't I have given it? I honestly didn't know!
She was so upset 'Id passed over the photo, I cut the holiday short and offered I leave to give her some space to process everything said during the conversation.
WI wrong to give it?
I'm genuinly baffled by the whole affair, and sad it all came to this.