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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sharing child tax credits with my ex

74 replies

nat394 · 07/09/2012 22:39

Hello
I moved out 3 months ago with my children. Me and my partner had been together 6 yrs and imn all those years he had never worked it had always been me. He also did nothing much else and I couldn't be with him any longer we split. He is the father to my son 5yr but not my daughter 7yr.
My problem is that he seems to think we share redidence of my Son. My son stays with his dad three nights a week (when his dad chooses) we have no legal arrangements in place as of yet. Since my ex has started working for his dad so he could pay the rent (I paid everything when we were together).But it's only 20hrs a week and he can't afford to pay his rent apparantly without help.
He wants me to share the Child Tax credits and child benefit that I receive for our son. I have been paying him half of what I get for our son but it leaves me struggling a bit. I work hard fulltime but for low pay and i get a very tiny amount of help from housing benefits ( which i am really grateful for as it helps). I have just stopped paying him half of the tax credits and he says it's completely unfair because he thinks he needs it so my son had somwhere to stay when he stays at his dads.
I recently had to buy the kids uniforms and everything they need for the new school year and he did't want to put to for our sons stuff because he said he couldn't afford it ( this was when i was still sharing tax credits with him)
Apparantly I should be getting child support from him anyway?
Am i being fair, should I continue sharing the money with him??

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 07/09/2012 22:44

So he was a SAHD for 5yrs and now he's working but on low pay the same as you are?

I'm not sure what the legal position is?

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson · 07/09/2012 22:45

It sounds like you do share custody if he has your son 3 nights a week I'm afraid.

BlackberryIce · 07/09/2012 22:47

Yes, it's 'shared care'. So share the tax credits.

OptimisticPessimist · 07/09/2012 22:48

If you shared it would he cover 3/7 of the costs? Clothes, shoes, childcare? If so, you're being a bit UR. If not, absolutely keep hold of the money.

tittytittyhanghang · 07/09/2012 22:50

Well ideally you should seeing as he is sharing custody. But that would also entail sharing expenses like school uniform and if he isn't willing to play ball then personally i dont think i would be keen to neither.

Jinsei · 07/09/2012 22:53

If he was a SAHD and you have shared custody, why would he need to pay maintenance to you? Sorry, have no clue about stuff like that, but it seems odd to me.

Graciescotland · 07/09/2012 22:54

I think your ex sounds a bit lazy tbh. I wouldn't be inclined to allow him carry on leeching off you now you're seperated.

Original poster

nat394 · 07/09/2012 22:55

worraliberty he wasn't really a stay at home dad, he stayed at home but i had to arrange childcare with my parents most of the time because he would stay out nights on end and id be stuck with the kids but needing to go to work. Then i'd get home do all the washing cooking cleaning bathing the children getting uniforms ready for the next day etc etc.
The thing is I really am struggling while sharing tax credits with him and all my friends and family (and the tax credit office) say it's paid to the main carer of the children to top up earnings to help with the costs of having a child.
He never buys our son clothes or other neccessities and doesn't even have a bedroom set up for our son.He refused to help pay for the school uniform and doesn't prepare our sons packeds when he stays there I send him with his bag packed and everything he needs for the next day

OP posts:

marmitetoastie · 07/09/2012 22:57

You should have separate tax credit claims if you are no longer together. If he is entitled to TC then he can get them direct. Do not give him any money, child benefit etc that is coming to you. He is a big boy now (that he works p/t for his daddy) and he can fill in the forms/phone up for himself. You are still the main carer and currently entitled to get whatever you receive. Let the Inland Revenue work his entitlement out, not you.

Original poster

nat394 · 07/09/2012 22:58

He does have him 3 nights a week but not 3 nights in a row and he picks him up from my house after he's had dinner at 6 ad drops him back off in the morning or at school so my son mainly lives with me and I provide him with everything

OP posts:

OTTMummA · 07/09/2012 22:59

If he needs help with rent then tell him to apply for housing benefit, tax credits are for the children really, and if you needed to pay for their uniform and he wasn't contributing then you needed them more IMO. Also if you're claiming for both children but he is only looking after his son 3 days a week the actual amount of tax credits divided correctly probably won't be they much. Maybe go to citizens advice, they can give you better advice I think.

WorraLiberty · 07/09/2012 23:00

Oh I see...I don't know then you probably need proper legal advice.

marmite why the dig about working for his 'Daddy'?

Unless as an adult you use the words Mummy and Daddy all the time...in which case I apologise.

OptimisticPessimist · 07/09/2012 23:00

In the light of your second post, most definitely stop sharing them.

I can sympathise, my XP was similar - stayed at home but only because he didn't want to get a job, and I ended up sorting everything for the kids along with working full time. Stick to your guns here, if you're bearing all the costs then you should be the one receiving all of your son's benefits.

mrsscoob · 07/09/2012 23:00

No I don't think you should pay, why should you support two households, he needs to sort himself out. Have you spoken to the tax credits people at all? Maybe speak to them if you need clarification, I'm sure he has no rights to the money?

OTTMummA · 07/09/2012 23:02

He sounds very lazy, he probably won't make a claim, don't give him any more money, feckless twat.

marmitetoastie · 07/09/2012 23:03

I often use words like "mummy" and "daddy". Apology accepted.

WorraLiberty · 07/09/2012 23:04

Oh I see...only much of the time it seems to be used on MN as a put down

WheelieBinRebel · 07/09/2012 23:04

So what you are saying is that he rarely provides him with meals and doesn't provide any clothing. What about school expenses i.e. trips and activities??
In that case YANBU in not sharing the tax credits. He is not putting his hand in his pocket but expecting you to provide everything for your son and pay him on top! He's having a laugh isn't he?

Original poster

nat394 · 07/09/2012 23:07

mrsscoob and worraliberty I know my legal rights i have spoken to CAB and tax credits and they both say that only one parent can legally claim and thats the main carer. Which in my eyes is definitely me.
It's more a question of am i being cruel or immoral not sharing it with him, he was very controlling when we were together and I think he is still in my head. Today he became very angry when I expressed my wish to stop sharing the money with him because I can't afford to. He said I was being unfair and that I don't care about our son if i can be so cruel to his dad and many other nasty things and I just wanted an opinion from someone who aren't my close (biased) friends and family!

OP posts:

OTTMummA · 07/09/2012 23:10

YADNBU, he is a manipulative nasty piece of scum to use emotional black mail, you could tell him he is cruel to scrounge money off you that is meant for your son. It isn't meant for him, what a dipshit.

Original poster

nat394 · 07/09/2012 23:12

well wheeliebin his argument is that seeing as he can only claim housing benefit as a single person he uses the money I give him to pay his rent so he can't afford to help me pay for the cost of everything else as i'm apparantly "loaded" because i receive tax credits for two children. It feels so ridiculous arguing about tax credits it's like i'm on jeremy kyle

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 07/09/2012 23:12

In that case stick to your guns OP.

If he's claiming to share custody, it's down to him to legally prove that...and clearly he can't because he's actually not.

Ignore his anger and cruel words...everyone can get like that sometimes.

Lora1982 · 07/09/2012 23:13

my brother was the worker looking after my neice his wife moved out and didnt get a job she even though my brother has her 50/50 the tax credits were taken off him. so in this situation even though i agree your ex should get a share if he is truely sharing 50/50 the law is as usual on the womans side

WorraLiberty · 07/09/2012 23:13

When I say ignore it, I mean obviously only if he's blowing hot air...I don't mean you should put up with any shit from him.

He doesn't live with you now and can't control you.

WheelieBinRebel · 07/09/2012 23:14

If he is only working 20hrs per week for a low wage and having to pay living expenses then he will be entitled to some form help in the form of tax credits (not the child element) and housing benefit. Is he reluctant to claim for himself because he is getting cash in hand from his Dad?

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