Not sharing child tax credits with my ex

[nat394]

Hello
I moved out 3 months ago with my children. Me and my partner had been together 6 yrs and imn all those years he had never worked it had always been me. He also did nothing much else and I couldn't be with him any longer we split. He is the father to my son 5yr but not my daughter 7yr.
My problem is that he seems to think we share redidence of my Son. My son stays with his dad three nights a week (when his dad chooses) we have no legal arrangements in place as of yet. Since my ex has started working for his dad so he could pay the rent (I paid everything when we were together).But it's only 20hrs a week and he can't afford to pay his rent apparantly without help.
He wants me to share the Child Tax credits and child benefit that I receive for our son. I have been paying him half of what I get for our son but it leaves me struggling a bit. I work hard fulltime but for low pay and i get a very tiny amount of help from housing benefits ( which i am really grateful for as it helps). I have just stopped paying him half of the tax credits and he says it's completely unfair because he thinks he needs it so my son had somwhere to stay when he stays at his dads.
I recently had to buy the kids uniforms and everything they need for the new school year and he did't want to put to for our sons stuff because he said he couldn't afford it ( this was when i was still sharing tax credits with him)
Apparantly I should be getting child support from him anyway?
Am i being fair, should I continue sharing the money with him??

Him not claiming what fit what he can, ie, getting housing benefit etc is no longer your problem op, you are also not a cash machine or his mother, so you have no obligation to provide him with anything, nothing! Tell him if he wants to find out what he can claim for he needs to make an appt at the CAB.

thats just the thing worra i know he can't or shouldn't be able to control me but somehow i still just fall to pieces. He tells me im evil and wrong and that he loves our son more than me and that our son would rather live with him anyway and much more and I know it's all just nasty words but it really does make me doubt myself! i don't know how he does it.
i'm going to stick to my guns on this one, no doubt he'll probably stop seeing our son as much now and then blame me for him losing his house and so on because he can't pay the rent

Yes Wheelie i think it is cash in hand from his dad, he's very secretive about it all but I know at one point he was claiming Jobseekers aswell but told me he stopped that but god knows

Don't give him another penny. He's effectively taking the food out of your son's mouth, selfish bastard. His opinion of you is not important as you're not in a relationship with him. Hrs also responsible for his own rent.

If he chooses not to see his son then that's his decision.

Wild horses wouldn't normally be able to drag a loving parent away from their child.

He needs to realise that he has nobody else to blame for his situation but himself. Stop paying him and do not feel guilty, you are no longer with him and it is not up to you to effectively support two households because that is what you are doing.

Is there a way you could take a step back and get others to take your son to him when he has access so that you have very little contact with him. Can you communicate via email?

what a mess! i just never really know what to do anymore thank you for all your help everyone.
His dad does have him 3 nights a week but thats all it seems it is to me a sleepover, I still have to take care of all the responsibilities and arrange childcare etc
his mum has our son while I work quite often which I arrange but he says that this means even more that he is the main carer not me because his mum helps me!

thats a good idea wheelie for a while atleast It would really help me not to have to communicate with him. I could drop my son of at his grandmas and let his dad pick him up from there

3 nights a week entitles him possibly to not having to pay maintenance.. not to take food out of your sons mouth by taking it from you. He takes DS after tea and brings him back in the morning? So what does the money go on? Petrol?

YANBU .. the guy is a dick

By it i mean the CTC money obviously sorry

You are the main carer so should have the tc.

He would have to pay less maintenance because he has him 3 nights a week, if the csa were involved.

Hang on he's hardly having him 3 days a week, he picks him up after you have fed him his dinner, then drops him back first thing in the morning. So 10 hours at most? Thats only 30 hours a week out of 168 each week, hardly shared parenting, he probably sees him an hour before he falls asleep and 30 minutes in the morning, lazy sod. Keep your ctc money you are doing all the feeding and clothing and he is having a few sleepovers no parenting required.

No way, don't share the money with him! He can get a full time job if he's hard up.

Could he have his son more of the time?

As California says hes not "having him 3 days a week" . The reason he could argue that he doesnt need to pay maintenance by having DS 3 days would be that he is shouldering the cost of 3 evening meals, breakfasts and packed lunchs.

Actually in monetary terms he is contributing nothing whatsoever

The fact he needs money to subsidise his living costs is not your problem and its his responsibility to house himself somewhere suitable to have his DS to stay.

He should be claiming his own tax credits and I am guessing that as he is cash in hand he cant make that claim, again not your problem OP.

I wouldnt even consider sharing the money with him full stop. Yes you are used to listening to him tell you whats what and its hard to stand up to that but think of it in terms of how less money coming into your household affects your DC

The tax credits will be based on your income, and having two children. You can't make a joint claim if you live separately. He isn't entitled to any of it, morally or legally.

'his mum has our son while I work quite often which I arrange but he says that this means even more that he is the main carer not me because his mum helps me!'

Is she doing that for free?

Don't give him any more money that is meant to be for your son!

He's not feeding him or providing a packed lunch, clothing him or providing him with a bedroom, so what is he doing with the money apart from using it for his own benefit!

My dsc have their own rooms, we feed, clothe, pay for trips, talk to school, organise packed lunches, buy toys, computers etc etc and one child lives with us full time and the others only a third of the time. Dp still pays hundreds in maintenance too.

Spend the money in your son, who it is meant for. Your ex is using hom as a meal ticket rather than get off his arse and support himself just as he did with you.

Don't let him!

YANBU.

End of discussion.

You carry on with what you are doing and let him get on with it, he is not your responsibility. You have 2 kids not 3!

And if he is lazy and can't be arsed to fill some forms in to get his own money, or find another job, and he does loose his house - this would not mean he couldn't see his son he is emotionally blackmailing you, don't let him.

Nothing more to say.

Other than stay strong and stand your ground :)

Yanbu. Stbxh tried this one on me, despite the fact I didn't work and he worked full time at £12.50ph. When deciding who the main carer is, it's not as simple as contact. Where is the majority of the child's clothes and toys? Where does child go to school from? Who makes appointments for child? Those sort of things decide the main carer as well.

Tact I took? Call his bluff. Tell him to go right ahead and put in a claim, but be prepared for the fact your benefits may initially be suspended whilst they come to a decision. Way I saw it, I wasn't going to be basically threatened into sharing benefits every month or however often stbxh decided to try it on. In my case stbxh backed right down.

Stop caring about what this waster thinks of you. So he thinks you're evil, you don't love your son as much as he does. So what? You know he's talking out of his arse.

Disengage. It's a shame that's what he thinks but it's not your problem. Btw was he kind, polite and reasonable with you when you were giving him money? Somehow I doubt it. You pay for food, clothes, trips, toys, etc and I'd wager you sort all the school stuff, dr, dentist, activities, etc as well. I expect you play a larger role in ds' emotional well-being too.

If you feel guilty, think of it as reclaiming the money you forked out on him during his cocklodging years.

A letter from the CAB or a solicitor might help but tbh I wouldn't bother.

My ex and I share custody but my ex actually takes DS for two/three days properly.

However I am not able to work full time due to DS's health so I claim tax credits for DS (amongst other things).

DS's dad has a full time job and also claims tax credits - however a single person can only claim tax credits if they work over 30 hours a week and are on a low income . Your ex doesn't work enough hours to satisfy their requirements.

I don't share my credits unless it's the holidays and DS's dad has him for a significant portion of time - say five to seven days. But then that's only because he will need to cover the costs of feeding DS. Generally I buy uniform/extra curriculum activities etc. In your position I would say that your ex isn't maintaining many costs for your DS so isn't entitled to the money. Is he the type who would refuse to see him if he doesn't get the money? Either way he needs to fund a place to live for himself. He could get a full time job and see your DS around this, if that is possible with job opportunities etc in your area.

If you are doing everything such as meals, uniforms, clothes, and school stuff then I'd say you were within your rights to keep it.

YABU not sharing the CTC (the WTC is paid to YOU) and Child Benefit IF he is sharing costs of school uniform, packed lunches, dinners, shoes, clothes for outside school, after-school activities and school trips. That is what the CTC and Child Benefit is paid to cover.

However, as you are feeding your DS dinner before he goes to his dad's, and he is only giving him breakfast (I assume) before he drops him back to you, isn't doing his packed lunch, and isn't paying any of the other costs involved on being FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE for a child, then you, OP, are NBU.

When he shares those costs fairly, then split the Child Benefit and CTC fairly. If not, then don't.

I would stop these silly overnights too. He is making sure he has no obligation to pay maintenance by having him to sleep there, while also making sure that he bears none of the costs involved in bringing up his child.

If you were to stop this type of useless contact (your DS is asleep for the main portion of it, it's hardly quality time), and offered him every other weekend, and two midweek nights, straight from school one afternoon to school the next morning, that would be classed as fair access in a courtroom. He can easily fit that contact in around a 20 hour a week job. And then he HAS to bear the costs of dinners and breakfasts and packed lunches too. On that basis, if he still wouldn't put towards the costs of uniform and other expenses, I would give him whatever a reasonable amount of the CTC is to cover those meals and transport to school.

There is currently no legal obligation to split CTC and Child Benefit in cases of shared care. The RP has a choice whether to do this, and I would say don't feel obligated to do so if you are carrying all the costs for your DS. And don't feel guilty about it, either. If it helps your conscience, buy your ex a box of cereal and a loaf of bread each week to cover the costs of your DS's breakfast that seems to be the only meal he has there!

Your Ex is a freeloading lazy twat, but you already know that - he's your Ex for a reason!

It's more a question of am i being cruel or immoral not sharing it with him

No, it is your money to help with the costs that you are paying for.

What you have is shared PR and care, but the child resides with you ie that is his 'home' address. You do not share residency, as such.

If your ex was really struggling and couldn't afford a bedroom set for your son, as he had left you residing in the family home, then it woul dbe very reasonable of you to help with the cost, for your sons benefit.

But as you are sending your son with all he needs and after being fed his main evening meal then you don't have to share any costs, legally or morally.

Only if your ex is struggling for genuine reasons, then you can waver asking for any help with costs, but that is you, doing what is best for your son.

If your ex isn't struggling for genuine reasons then he should be sharing the cost of the school uniform etc, or paying maintainance.

Don't allow your ex's control games to carry on.