To be getting fed up with these comments and think they are bad for DD?

[Lambzig]

We have some good friends who have a DD a little over a year older than our DD. Their daughter is very tall and very slender for her age, Her father is tall and her mother is super petite. So she has inherited long delicate bones.

My DD who is 2.5 has always been on the 10-25 percentile for weight and height, so compared to her peers, she is quite little and I think in proportion. Friends describe her as petite and certainly age 2-3 clothes are too big for her, she is still in some 12-18, but is healthy. Basically she is a bit of a little squirt but perfectly in proportion.

We see this couple every few weeks for a day and every time they see her they say things like "isn't she huge", "she is very solid", "she is chunky for her age", "she weighs a lot" or "there is a definite solid mass to her isn't there". I always reply with "no, actually, she is on 25th percentile for weight and height" or "no, littler than girls the same age" or similar, but they keep on doing it. Seriously, there are about 10 comments every time they see her and it gets on my nerves.

I think they are obsessed with how different the two girls are (their DD is the sort of child who sits quietly with a book whereas ours is the sort who cant sit still for 10 mins, just different personalities).

We saw them yesterday for a day trip out and several of these comments kept coming and I gritted my teeth. However, when DD was in the bath last night she said "Mummy I've got chunky legs, I no like it". I told her she hadn't, but a bit later on she said "I weigh a lot. xxxx's mummy (other mother) said".

Even if she were a bigger child, I dont think these are good messages for her to be getting about herself and I am really uncomfortable with her parroting them back. Obvs I told her people are all sorts of shapes and sizes and she was just right.

WIBU to say something to our friends to ask them not to do this? Or am I overreacting.

I am a bit enraged!!!! on your DDs behalf TBH

are they otherwise nice?

I just think people that make DC feel shit about themselves, are shitty people!

Now, my DS2 gets same comments but he is HUGE! so I dont mind, bless him

Hmm, something is off here, PFB itis gone wrong?

you are not overeacting, and friendfs should not say this shit

I don't think you're overreacting - your friends sound very odd.

Err. people IRL actually discuss centiles? those graph things in the red books they give you as a baby that get slung in a drawer after the first round of jabs?
Wow.

Really, you should just tell her she's a cow and walk away. Would it bother you to lose the friendship? Because she sounds like a right PITA to me

We see this couple every few weeks for a day just why would you bother? I'd be making new friends

the other mum sounds weird to keep on like this! yanbu it is not nice for your dd esp as she had picked up on it

course it's not unreasonable to say something. You are her mother and it is your job to protect her from getting hurt by this kind of rubbish. Admittedly you can't force people to stop saying unkind things to your DD but you can definitely tell them off about it and let them know just how much damage they're causing. If I were you I wouldn't give ''friends' like that the time of day.

they dont sound like very nice people at all

I think this is the time for the classic MN line ' did you mean that to sound so rude and hurtful' and maybe add on that the route of many eating disorders are due to unhelpful comments in childhood

I would recommend the MN standby in this situation.

"Did you mean to be so rude" is your friend.

YANBU. I hate the constant commenting on little girls' appearances generally, as if that's the sum of their parts, let alone if they're commenting negatively.

I would be very cross indeed and don't think I would be able to resist sending them an email to say they've hurt your dd's feelings. If they truly are total knobbers don't understand why this is unacceptable behaviour, perhaps think of it as your duty to explain it to them.

Sorry, should have explained the relationship a little better.

They are lovely people otherwise, we have known them for ages and been on holiday with them several times before and after children without a jarring note (which I find incredible really as most people get on my nerves after a few days).

Apart from this one issue of talking about DD, I really look forward to seeing them. However, this is really starting to get to me and put me off seeing them.

I dont think they see many other children. She is a SAHM and never did playgroups etc and they chose not to take up the nursery place they were offered to keep DD at home. I think they are genuinely interested in how different their and our DD are as they dont get much comparison.

DH thinks its a bit annoying, but that I am overreacting.

Yes talking about percentiles is a bit mad, but it was a way of trying to illustrate to them that she is not huge.

YANBU

You just don't come out with comments like that even if you're thinking it. I think you should say something. They sound like they aren't engaging brain before speaking. Next time they make a comment I would mention that your DD picked up on it last time and actually it's pretty bloody rude. Children come in different heights and sizes for godsakes.

Yes it was the idea of seeding eating disorders that bothered me (but DH thinks this is bonkers) and the need to comment on girl's appearance that is getting to me.

My DS gets the same comments but he is massive and he's only 10mo (he's is in 1.5 - 2.5 to clothes) But if he wasn't I would be mightily pissed off!

I'd just tell them straight!

I think you should say something.

But maybe the other mum is just being thoughtless rather than deliberately being horrible. Maybe she gets lots of comments about how skinny her own child is.

My DD is also very slender and slight, but tall. So for me that is the norm, and often most other children do look huge and extremely sturdy in comparison. It upsets me when people remark on how skinny DD is (particularly when she was a baby, I was v sensitive about it), so I try not to say anything about the size/shape of other people's children .
But I know I have sometimes picked up other children and had a shocked expression on my face before I could stop myself. It's more because I am thinking, oh god, DD is so thin! I really notice the difference and it does shock me a bit sometimes. I bet your friend is just not thinking - or maybe she even thinks it is a compliment!

But I agree, raise it with her, say you don't want your DD to hear messages about body size/weight.

"There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. The other day DD said something about having chunky legs and then that she 'weighs a lot' because she's heard you say this. It's really important to me that she grows up with a healthy body image, so would you mind not commenting on her size or appearance any more, especially within her earshot. Thanks."

I would mention to her what your DD said to you and just ask her not to comment any more as it is making an issue where there isn't one. If you keep it very simple and to the point it will probably have nore of an impact than if you try and fluff it up and soften it - as we English tend to do.

Be a bit blunt if you can, if she takes issue it's becuase she realises that she shouldn't have been syaing those things in the first place.

I think you either need to nip this in the bud, or stop seeing them. Their comments are not acceptable, and I know from experience with those types of friends that the comments just get more and more insulting and competitive over time.

I wonder if, if you ignored the comments rather than trying to justify things, they might stop. So if they say 'Your DD is very solid', just look at them blankly and say 'Right, who want a cup of tea?'. Ignore the comments like you would ignore a child making inappropriate comments. If they say something very insulting though, then I think you need to say something about it. It isn't fair on your DD, she is already picking up on what they say, and it could cause her some real issues with her weight/self esteem.

I personally wouldn't want to spend time with people that risked damaging my childrens' self esteem, however nice they were in other ways.

Definitely tell them, loud and clear, that you don't want comments about body size/appearance to or around your DD.

If you explain that she has said them back to you a couple of times and you're worried that she might be taking them on board too much, they'd have to be very insensitive/thick not to see your point.

I don't really hold with comments about ANYONE's physical appearance, child or adult.

I agree that you should nip this in the bud now. Tell this couple that your toddler is getting self conscious and please to refrain from commenting on her body.

My heart breaks for the poor little girl. Imagine hating your thighs from age 2.5!

Am on her behalf.

Oh god thats awful imagine what they are going to be like as they grow up Id tell them your dd is not chunky or whatever and please just SHUSH ,

Either you avoid or say something very direct. The children are tiny their size/weight will change immensely. Some parents seem particularly proud if they have thin children as a mark of some sort of achievement, they are projecting their own weight issues on their kids. Strikes me that the mother doesn't have enough to think about - only child? More than one and you really don't care about weight and stuff. My poor DS who is nearly 4 hasn't been weighed since he was 4 months old, he seems fine to me. You only do this stuff with pfb.

I'd tell them not to make comments about my daughters body. Firmly, politely, but they'd get the message. If they continued to do so I'd dump them.

I agree with WilsonFrickett, way too much attention is paid to little girls appearences. 'You're so pretty', 'I love your dress' etc. etc. In my experience boys don't get half so many appearance related comments.

sounds like the friend has body issues Is she weighing her own daughter by anychange, I had a friend who was always on a diet weighed herself and toddler everyday and insisted her dd should go on a lowfat diet at 3

Not good form to go on about a child's weight, especially in earshot of child.

Unless they are a baby! I can never resist on commenting on how chubby a baby is - there's nothing I like better than seeing nice chunky baby thighs, and I always see it as a compliment. Would never comment about someone elses older child, although I must admit I do occasionally comment on DSs slimness as I worry people think I don't feed him ( and because DD is a chunky monkey, so having a slim jim is a shock to the system )!

I can only imagine that they don't actually think your DD is overweight, otherwise I suspect they wouldn't mention it.

what flimflammery said, SPOT ON