To be getting fed up with these comments and think they are bad for DD?

[Lambzig]

We have some good friends who have a DD a little over a year older than our DD. Their daughter is very tall and very slender for her age, Her father is tall and her mother is super petite. So she has inherited long delicate bones.

My DD who is 2.5 has always been on the 10-25 percentile for weight and height, so compared to her peers, she is quite little and I think in proportion. Friends describe her as petite and certainly age 2-3 clothes are too big for her, she is still in some 12-18, but is healthy. Basically she is a bit of a little squirt but perfectly in proportion.

We see this couple every few weeks for a day and every time they see her they say things like "isn't she huge", "she is very solid", "she is chunky for her age", "she weighs a lot" or "there is a definite solid mass to her isn't there". I always reply with "no, actually, she is on 25th percentile for weight and height" or "no, littler than girls the same age" or similar, but they keep on doing it. Seriously, there are about 10 comments every time they see her and it gets on my nerves.

I think they are obsessed with how different the two girls are (their DD is the sort of child who sits quietly with a book whereas ours is the sort who cant sit still for 10 mins, just different personalities).

We saw them yesterday for a day trip out and several of these comments kept coming and I gritted my teeth. However, when DD was in the bath last night she said "Mummy I've got chunky legs, I no like it". I told her she hadn't, but a bit later on she said "I weigh a lot. xxxx's mummy (other mother) said".

Even if she were a bigger child, I dont think these are good messages for her to be getting about herself and I am really uncomfortable with her parroting them back. Obvs I told her people are all sorts of shapes and sizes and she was just right.

WIBU to say something to our friends to ask them not to do this? Or am I overreacting.

Flimflammery thats a really good suggestion. I think I do have to brave it and tackle it head on and I am also sure that they (it is him as well as her, in fact more him than her) will be mortified.

She isnt a competitive parent at all and often says really nice things about my DD too. Eg, she said yesterday "her speech for her age is amazing, she is so clever".

Aboutlastnight exactly, I was nearly in tears when she said it. They arent at all (although she isnt going to be winning any longest legs competitions like her mother) DH agrees that they say stuff all the time, but doesn't think its an issue. I should probably confess to having weight/eating issues in my teens so was concerned I was being oversensitive.

Don't wait for them to say something else (in front of your daughter). Tell them in advance, in private (on the phone when your daughter is in bed, or on email). Even her overhearing you asking them to stop is going to reinforce that there is an issue, for her. She is clearly clued up and switched on. Among the most worrying things to hear as a child are "not in front of the children" or "don't tell x, but..." and then everything going a bit flustered and artificial. They always notice.

(I had a lovely HV who spelled out the word "naughty" in front of dd1 when she was under 2, because she didn't want dd1 to somehow get the impression we were talking about her being naughty, which she wasn't - and this has stayed with me ever since as I was impressed by her sensitivity and I remembered picking things up like that as child myself)

I am for you. That is so not on.

Flimflammery's phrase is perfect. To the point without being rude or confrontational

Vezzie good point. I will call before we see them next.

(obvs I meant I wouldnt win any long legs competitions (if there were such a thing) either)

YADNBU.

I hate it when people go on about childrens weight etc. The other day my DS (4.6) was sat quite happily eating his dinner at my nans house when my aunt said to him "do you know how many grams of fat is in that cheese?" (he was eating a slice at the time), then she proceded to tell him just how much fat was in it. He carried on eating it but he looked uncomfortable. I told him that cheese was good for him and it will give him strong bones.

No bloody wonder children are getting eating disorders at younger ages now.

When my eldest DD was a baby, there was a woman in our baby group who was obsessed with her baby being the biggest. Like it meant she was a better mother as her daughter was taller, and sturdier, than all the other babies. She made several comments to the rest of us about our babies being smaller and "Don't you feed your daughter?" in particular to me, as my DD was always small and thin.

It doesn't mean a thing though as now at age 13 she is very short and is also very skinny, whilst my DD towers over her. Their toddler size/shape is just that!

YANBU - My Dsis is definitely transferring her eating anxiety onto two of her DCs - Her DCs are fine and not remotely overweight but she makes comments about what they are eating and how much activity they do at every opportunity. I'm not sure she even knows she's doing it - just as I'm not even sure she's aware of how deep seated her own eating disorder is (she's functional v. skinny rather than anorexic). She adores her DCs but judges people on their weight and her DCs are no exception.

I'd absolutely say something to her if she made a comment about my DCs though. It's their issue and not the child's.

Another vote for Flimflammery comment - concise and factual.

MrsMangel, thats really weird. Interesting that it can change so much because I had assumed DD had inherited my build (5'3" and about a size 10-12, so not thin and not little), so I was concerned I was being oversensitive due to her being my type of frame.

Interestingly, Lambzig, the mum I mentioned is very thin herself, she has mentioned in the past that she had suffered with bulimia. Yet she was smug about having a big baby. But then she was smug about all kinds of things too. I think she needed to be superior to everyone as she had low self worth.

My DS was always a very tiny child compared to his peers (is catching up now and if you looked at him wouldn't really notice) so I have always had comments about his weight. If I felt the question/statement was verging on the rude I would just ignore or gloss over but as these are friends who you see regularily you do need to say something.

I think it very rude to comment on a childs weight and or appearance, DS currently has shoulder length hair and gets lots of comments. I have told my Mum I am fed up of it consider it very rude and will tell people my Dad to stop, though DS is getting quite vocal in his annoynace at the comments

I would be livid. This is just so wrong on so many levels. I would ask her straight out if she realises the damage such comments can make for life. We've had similar issues with family members being affected from both sides. I hate it so much as I've seen (and experienced ) just how crushing it is.
I'm so pleased that you want to sort this out for your daughter - it's horrible. If she can't see the issue, ask her how she would feel if you constantly went on about how skinny and lanky her daughter was, if she was feeding her correctly etc etc and then if her daughter expressed body dissatisfaction because of it?
Sorry if this is ranty, but this one's one of my soapbox issues!!!!

People are daft, aren't they? What makes someone think that a child who they themselves have acknowledged has good language skills won't pick up on what they're saying about her.

Sometimes people say "isn't she big?!" about (and in front of) DD. I always reply "she's quite tall, yes". Your poor DD.

I am open about telling people not to "over comment" on my children's physical appearances. It's not good for them.

I know a very petite GP who prods her 5 year old in the tummy and says "We'll have to watch this fat tummy!"

She's a silly cow.

Perhaps you could mention how 'incredibly thin and waif-like' her dd looks. Or ask her if she has a tiny appetite as 'she's awfully skinny' See how she likes it when the boot is on the other foot. Not to be mean of course, just to see how she reacts, and whether it makes her realise that her comments about your dd are actually very tactless and hurtful.

Gosh Fosgoldlady and HappyasChips when you write down what I could be saying back it just sounds so awful (I think I had said in the past that their DD is very graceful and has lovely balletic arms in her movements when I saw her dancing which I appreciate is also a personal comment, but not negative or related to size).

It is her husband more than her to be honest, and I have known him longer but they both do it. They are coming over to ours in a couple of weeks and I have to sort out some tickets for us all, so when I ring up to sort out arrangements, I will mention it then and be quite blunt but polite (if there is such a thing).

I am not sure if DD really understands what she is parroting back (I really hope not) as we dont comment to her other than to have a height chart which we mark off and show her when she has got taller. We have to be measured too and she is always incredibly pleased that she has grown and we haven't.

I'd probably tell them to stop making comments on your DD's weight and height. I'd tell them it is getting extremely tedious and probably would add that they wouldn't like it if I went on about their dd being so tall and skinny.

I agree with the all the other posters and I would ask them directly not to say these things, if they didn't I wouldn't see them with the children .

As far as your OH goes, mine is the same, he doesn't think that comments about weight impact on children and keeps saying to DS1 that he is slim and fit etc and isn't that good. I can agree that its important to teach children about having a balanced diet and exercise, I'm worried that it could tip over into placing too much emphasis on weight. I agree with WilsonFrickett (I think) who commented on the emphasis on girls looks, I hate it, my MIL commented on how DD1 will blossom into a graceful swan. Fuck that, I like her as she is, a force to be reckoned with who bulldoezes into her brothers.

It's not ok to comment on somebody's body (except for babies who can't understand you yet, and even then it had better be positive for the parents' sake!)

As a female she is going to have rude people commenting on her body for the rest of her life, surely they don't have to start already

yanbu, tell them straight out that they're not to comment on her body and explain that she thinks she's chunky because of their comments, do it before you meet up with them.

You may be looking at this the wrong way around. Might they not be thinking that your DD (being petite) might be feeling insecure about her weight/height? Might they not be trying a bit of ham-handed positive reinforcement?

I would be inclined to tell them to be careful their undernourished waif of a child doesn't get blown away on the next breeze that they are being unbelievably insensitive as well as just plain wrong, in their judgemental opinion, and would they mind keeping their opinions to themselves in future because, well, they aint't peadiatriticions, are they

Have a serious conversation with them and tell them directly that they are not to pass comment on DD's weight as DD has taken it all in and is saying negative things about herself. If they mention the weight again, remind them not to say anything again. Also tell them she is perfect the way she is and you wouldn't change her for all the tea in china.

My DC are all very tiny but perfect too (0 to 9th percentile range) and i've only ever had positive comments. ''oo, they will be lovely slim healthy adults'' . Thier baby apgar scores were all 10 - so very very healthy despite being tiny.

I have twin boys One is tall and thin for their Age the other is more solid and a Good deal shorter. I love then both the same i always Tell them how fantastic it is to be different and not to Listen to anyone who says diffrentley.

I have a twin too and growing up she was allways heavier Than me people would comment and it really affected her and still does ;-(

YANBU

At the least, tell them you'd prefer they don't discuss weight/shape/size in front of your DD. You could also say that your DD has been talking about what they said.