To be getting fed up with these comments and think they are bad for DD?

[Lambzig]

We have some good friends who have a DD a little over a year older than our DD. Their daughter is very tall and very slender for her age, Her father is tall and her mother is super petite. So she has inherited long delicate bones.

My DD who is 2.5 has always been on the 10-25 percentile for weight and height, so compared to her peers, she is quite little and I think in proportion. Friends describe her as petite and certainly age 2-3 clothes are too big for her, she is still in some 12-18, but is healthy. Basically she is a bit of a little squirt but perfectly in proportion.

We see this couple every few weeks for a day and every time they see her they say things like "isn't she huge", "she is very solid", "she is chunky for her age", "she weighs a lot" or "there is a definite solid mass to her isn't there". I always reply with "no, actually, she is on 25th percentile for weight and height" or "no, littler than girls the same age" or similar, but they keep on doing it. Seriously, there are about 10 comments every time they see her and it gets on my nerves.

I think they are obsessed with how different the two girls are (their DD is the sort of child who sits quietly with a book whereas ours is the sort who cant sit still for 10 mins, just different personalities).

We saw them yesterday for a day trip out and several of these comments kept coming and I gritted my teeth. However, when DD was in the bath last night she said "Mummy I've got chunky legs, I no like it". I told her she hadn't, but a bit later on she said "I weigh a lot. xxxx's mummy (other mother) said".

Even if she were a bigger child, I dont think these are good messages for her to be getting about herself and I am really uncomfortable with her parroting them back. Obvs I told her people are all sorts of shapes and sizes and she was just right.

WIBU to say something to our friends to ask them not to do this? Or am I overreacting.

YANBU

I'm impressed tho that at 2.5 your DD understands the negative implication of the word "chunky" in regard to weight.

YANBU. It's interesting how it's seen to be pretty normal to comment on babies' weight, and I wonder when this gets phased out. Perhaps why it's somehow a grey area where people feel they can comment on toddlers too.

I have a beautifully robust 8mo DD. Her thighs are absolutely delightful. And she certainly gets quite a few comments on how splendid they are. I think most people simply enjoy chubby babies, and it's seen as a marker of health, but occasionally I'll hear something about how 'chunky' she is, and I have to admit it, it gets my back up. And there are people who feel the need to continually comment, too, which also makes me a bit . I have had some mild body issues in the past, and the last thing I want is for DD to inherit any of this. I always wonder if it's them who are odd commenting, or me odd for thinking about it.

It's a strange one - we live in such a body-obsessed culture. But, once the child is compos mentis and knows what is being discussed, comments like your friend's are just bloody impolite in my opinion. My heart goes out to your beautiful little girl. Definitely call them up on it.

Thanks for all your opinions. DH is mortified that I am going to say something, but I do need too.

Fantastic I am more horrified that she sees 'chunky' as negative.

I do agree that the fact that she isnt at all is irrelevant as even if she were, it wouldn't be ok to comment.

Come to think of it I was an enormous toddler in terms of weight not height (my mother had died and I was passed around the relatives for a year or so and heaven knows what they were feeding me). The pictures are hilarious- at DD's age I looked like a little ball of fat with squinty eyes staring out. Chunky would not have covered it! As an adult I have always been size 10-12, so it obviously has no bearing.

Nyone that said that even ONCE to my child would get a telling off AND I'd never see them again.

How very dare she. Your poor DD! Poor YOU, you'll have to work with her to overwrite that damage done by that loony cow. :(

I guess a good question is how to overwrite any damage (no mention of anything yesterday or today so thats good).

We tell her she is gorgeous and beautiful (as we would a boy too) and as I said, show her that she has grown taller, but dont comment on her appearance too much. Much more focussed on behaviour, telling her she is clever or had done something well etc.

Is it better just not to bring it up again, unless she does?

I agree. Don't make an issue of it. But don't see those people again. They are loons, and dangerous ones at that.

vezzie's idea is nice.

Horrible though. Bad enough that they think it, never mind say it out loud. And BOTH of them. They sound terribly shallow and, frankly, weight-obsessed.

Personally I would not let anyone like this have access to my children. There's enough to do to keep them healthy and safe without subjecting them to the madness of Daily Mail believers.

I generally don't think they are putting any value on their comments. It comes over as if she had bright red hair and they constantly commented on it.

Feel a bit guilty now as they are getting such a pasting when they are both lovely people.

I would be fuming, my dd had a bit of a belly but shes going through a growth spurt at the moment. All of a sudden she just shoots up, and it disappears! I would tell the mother to stop commenting on your dd and concentrate on her bloody own, wow thats really annoyed me!

One of my Sils has always done this about her friend's child. Whenever she mentions this little girl it's 'the lump' or comments about how she can barely move 'because of the rolls of fat.' Actually, the little girl was a chubby baby but not huge and was probably below the 50th centile by the time she was 18 months. The reality is that DN is tiny - perfect but tiny - probably on the 2nd or 3rd centile for weight and always has been. It makes SIL feel better to consider him as average larger babies as abnormally huge.

You're right to be concerned. Girls in particular get enough negative messages about their size.

People do this to DD1 - who for the statisticians amongst you is 98th percentile weight and height. Or she was 12 months ago when last measured and looks in proportion to me.

One woman from playgroup looked at her appraisingly the other day and said "Oh that's good, she's starting to slim down a bit now" in front of her . She is just turned 3 and does not need to hear that.

DD2 is 15 months and a chunky monkey but again in proportion, I guess she will go the same way as her sister. People are forever saying how big she is (99.8th percentile if anyone is keeping count) but that doesn't bother me as she isn't properly walking yet and it seems a compliment when people say babies are big.

Not so when they are toddlers though.

If they are, as you say, lovely people, then they wouldn't want to upset either you or your dd. I would have a quiet word - Flimflammery's phrasing is perfect - and tell them that your dd is picking up a negative body image from what they are saying, and will they please stop. I'm sure that this will be all that is neccessary, as they are nice people.

Yep. As soon as they're not babies it's a bad thing for girls to be anything other than petite and delicate. Big, tall and strong are only positives for boys

I'd be fuming at these 'friends' too and I'd have a word and tell them exactly what your DD said to you in the bath, which is a direct result of their comments. Tell them you don't want them discussing your DDs size anymore. Feel sad for your DD that they have made her feel bad

With friends like them who needs enemies!!

i know how you feel - i get the opposite about my dd2 (18 months and 8kg) oh isn't she tiny weeny - do you not feed her?? erm yes of course i feed her she's just small!!!!

YANBU

DS is between 9th and 25th centile for height and weight in the UK, but 50th in the country we live in, although we have never met a baby smaller or thinner than he is

My problem is with DH. DH thinks DS will always be short - I'm 5'4 and DH is 5'7 so he's not coming from a tall gene pool! I don't think it's a problem but DH has always had a problem with his own height and almost daily he calls DS "shorty" or some other pet name that implies he is short.

I cracked at the weekend and said that he has to stop as DS is understanding more and more words and I do not want him growing up thinking he's short when in fact he isn't, he's just average.

Grrr.

If she had bright red hair and they were always going on about it, that would also be really shit.

My DD has lovely red hair and people always go on about it and she loves that!!

I would be upset if people were commenting on body size in front of her though. That is not on. Sounds like you will sort it out now though.

This, wot Flimflammery said:

"There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. The other day DD said something about having chunky legs and then that she 'weighs a lot' because she's heard you say this. It's really important to me that she grows up with a healthy body image, so would you mind not commenting on her size or appearance any more, especially within her earshot. Thanks."

And do it before you next meet with them with your DD there. If they don't respond appropriately (ie apologise and agree to STFU now) then don't take your DD to meet with them again.

If your DH is worried about you raising this with the couple, could you show him this thread so he realises how many people have had the same reaction as you and immediately picked up on the damage this can do to children's body image, even from such a young age?