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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why the hell anyone would stay with a "man" who doesn't "babysit" the dc???

128 replies

WoodlandHills · 03/09/2012 10:46

On saturday night I invited 2 of my female friends round for a few drinks and x-factor

Both in a relationship, both got dc with their dps.

Both their DP's were at home, yet one of my friends bought her dcs with her as her dp didn't want to "babysit" (her words) and the other one didn't come in the end because "her dp won't have the kids" Hmm

I didn't mind my friend bringing her dds, they are sweet little girls and no trouble at all. but I just find it disgraceful that their so called "d"p's won't even have their OWN kids. Its not the first time this has happened either. We went out in town the other week for another friends birthday and she had to ask her MUM to have the girls as her dp wouldn't. so he sat at home kid-free while his MIL had his kids. disgusting.

Reading this back, it sounds so ludicrous to me, like I have made it up Confused if I go out without dc it wouldn't even cross my mind to think DH would mind staying in with the dc, and vice versa.

Oh and this has reminded me of my own personal bugbear as well, ITS NOT BABYSITTING WHEN ITS YOUR OWN DC. Ok useless dads?????

OP posts:
Numberlock · 03/09/2012 14:09

I'm afraid that is alien to me, Bonsoir, I treasure my time with my female friends and a weekday lunch just wouldn't cut it for me.

Bonsoir · 03/09/2012 14:12

I treasure my time with my DP Smile

CailinDana · 03/09/2012 14:13

I don't understand it either. I have a friend whose dh "babysits" but then spends the night texting and calling. A few times when their dd was a baby he called her and told her to come home as he couldn't settle the baby. He sees parenting as her job, he's just there yo (grudgingly) assist. Unfortunately she's succumbed to his attitude and has given up her job. She's now basically his skivvy. i feel like shaking her sometimes.

BlueCanary · 03/09/2012 14:14

Not everyone has time for lunch during the week Bonsoir. And not everyone has trustworthy babysitters. Until my parents moved near, DH and I had only had about 5 nights out together in 5 years.

We tend to go out as a family on weekend lunchtimes, and in the evenings we occasionally do hobbies and nights out separately. We have plenty of evenings together too, and we work as a team to ensure we can both continue to have a bit of child-free independence each week, even if its just an hour.

Looking after your own children is NOT babysitting!

nickelcognito · 03/09/2012 14:14

Spuddy my dad is proud of having never changed a nappy Hmm

porcamiseria · 03/09/2012 14:15

yes, its NOT babysitting

but you are not up to speed I assume on their ledger/balance/checks for how they negotiate nighots out

what if one husbanc had been working 14 hour shifts x 7 days

dont assume its immediately a gender thing

CharlieCoCo · 03/09/2012 14:22

Im a nanny and on the calendar my dad boss use to write on it which days we are all babysitting and it bugged the hell out of me. so it would be like im babysitting monday and wednesday, the dad (of the children) would come home and 'babysit' his kids say tuesday and thursday whilst mum boss worked late and then MB would 'babysit' on friday whilst db went to pub. THEY ARE YOUR KIDS, YOU ARENT BABYSITTING, YOU ARE JUST COMING HOME!!! Confused

Numberlock · 03/09/2012 14:33

I treasure my time with my DP

I don't think it needs to be a competition, I think there's time for everything and everyone in a relationship. Me and my friends have been through lots together and have known each other for longer than the assorted partners/husbands etc. No-one is going to turn their back on that after 25 years of friendship for the sake of a handful of girls only nights out/weekends away every year.

LittleMissFlustered · 03/09/2012 14:37

I once launched a pair of doc marten's at my ex-partner for using the word babysitting in reference to being a parent. He never said it again.

In my defence, I was 8.5 months pregnant with his second child, and had been working at a charity fundraiser all afternoon, and he was complaining because he was anxious to bugger off back to the whorebag woman he'd just left me for. I might not have been completely rational >_

wordfactory · 03/09/2012 14:42

I have to say, Saturdays are pretty sacresanct in Casa Wordfactory.

Mr WF and I make a massive effort to always spend it together, either out togehter or staying in and enjoying a meal and a movie. Ditto Sundays.

We do go out with friends thouhg, mid week or Fridays. DH would always come home for me to go out and wpuldn't consider it babysitting.

wordfactory · 03/09/2012 14:44

numberlock I htink the trouble is that sometimes there isn't enough time for everyone.

With careers and DC, it can seem there is most definitely a finite amount of time and DH and I choose to prioritise one another.

Bonsoir · 03/09/2012 14:47

I agree, in our family we all seem to have a chronic shortage of time to accomplish all the things we wish to accomplish and we are very careful not to compromise the amount of time we spend together just because there are many external pulls on our time.

I'm not a big fan of girls nights out style socialising anyway....

wordfactory · 03/09/2012 14:51

Yup. In Casa WF, time is probably our most precious commodity.

Although as of this week we are spending Mon - Thur in town, so we're hoping this will alleviate commute times etc.

DisabilEightiesChick · 03/09/2012 15:00

I don't think it has to be a particular night of the week, as long as you have quality time with your partner and also with the other important people in your life. It'd be a dull world if we were all the same Smile

dontcallmehon · 03/09/2012 15:03

YANBU. dh has the dc on his own regularly, as do I. It is ridiculous that some people don't.

Mrbojangles1 · 03/09/2012 15:07

Yes i fell out with a ex mate of mine over this

She had a baby with a -prick- guy and she also had a 7 year old she could never come out because he had no one to look after the 7 year old Confused

She was all like oh well its not his son wtf once for my hen do she actually ahd to arraged to take him to a paid babysitter whilest the other son stayed at hime with his dad i couldnt take any more and dont see her now i think thats really shit

Numberlock · 03/09/2012 15:10

we are very careful not to compromise the amount of time we spend together just because there are many external pulls on our time

Bonsoir, it does me good to read that after reading some of the threads on here about problems in relationships.

Zavi · 03/09/2012 15:12

I hadafriend who had a similar set up to this - she took on full childcare responsibilities. Husband left it to her (and many men WILL leave it up to the mums if they can get away with it. They just don't feel guilty about doing that in the same way a mum typically would)

Then...she was admitted to hospital with meningitis. she told me that when the drs gave them the diagnosis her husband glared at her, he was absolutely furious with her for being so sick! Because he knew right away that he was going to have to look after the kids! Unbelievable but true.

Almost exactly same thing happened to another friend of mine. In that case after the mum had been in hospital a few days the dad had a kind of epiphany and realised just how difficult looking after 3 small kids can be.

BumsyClugger · 03/09/2012 15:13

Sorry, forgot to check back (too busy 'babysitting' Wink )

I get told "she'll only settle for you" "I've been at work all week, I need time to myself" and "she always plays up for me" (when she rarely plays up for anyone). Oh and "I can't look after her for that long! You know what to do, I don't."

Obviously he would know if he ever bloody did it. He goes out rarely so its not like I'd be interrupting his plans :)

But don't worry, I am planning a night out soon, and it will be for a day when no-one else can do it so he'll have no choice Grin

Original poster
WoodlandHills · 03/09/2012 15:53

*Yes i fell out with a ex mate of mine over this

She had a baby with a -prick- guy and she also had a 7 year old she could never come out because he had no one to look after the 7 year old

She was all like oh well its not his son wtf once for my hen do she actually ahd to arraged to take him to a paid babysitter whilest the other son stayed at hime with his dad i couldnt take any more and dont see her now i think thats really shit*

OMG mrbojangles i had a mate EXACTLY like this as well, the older DD was the same age as your mates as well, imagine if it was the sajme person :o

anyway and also ended up giving up on the friendship in the end mainly cos of her prick of an OH and how spineless she was, i couldn't deal with it

OP posts:
BratinghamPalace · 03/09/2012 16:15

I think with a lot of this kind of behavior from the guys is fairly basic laziness. And I think it does not have that much to do with the children but quite a lot to do with their attitude to their DP.
I also think a lot of women will get with it and do " it is quicker" or " for peace" or some such thing. I do it all the time, run myself into the ground and get exhausted. I have noticed that in the end it does not help anyone. From lurking on Mumsnet I learned a few things from some wise birds and now delegate to DP. No fights, gentle firm instructions and guess what? Am getting much more respect, am less tired and proud of myself! So is he and offers nights out for me with him at home with the children.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 03/09/2012 16:19

I see my oh everyday. We have been together since 1989.
I think our relationship will survive a few Saturdays apart.

Its survived the death of our dd, adoption the loss of three of our parents, redundancy the birth of 4 children, disability and illness.

Me getting pissed with mates the day before Sunday is hardly going to destroy it Hmm

BumsyClugger · 03/09/2012 16:32

Bratingham I know it is pure laziness on my DPs part.

wordfactory · 03/09/2012 17:08

orangeandgold the thing is for a lot of couples they don't have any meaningful time togehter midweek, what with work committments and DC's activities/homework/endless rattle.

Saturdays are usually the first day of the week when couples haven't been to work and are able to fully relax at a decent hour, cook something and open a bottle. Or go out ot dinner etc.

For many couples it's the first chance in a hectic week to talk at any length.

Socknickingpixie · 03/09/2012 17:17

i often wonder if the blokes that act like this are the same ones who a few years down the line are bitching about having limited contact with the kids