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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why the hell anyone would stay with a "man" who doesn't "babysit" the dc???

128 replies

WoodlandHills · 03/09/2012 10:46

On saturday night I invited 2 of my female friends round for a few drinks and x-factor

Both in a relationship, both got dc with their dps.

Both their DP's were at home, yet one of my friends bought her dcs with her as her dp didn't want to "babysit" (her words) and the other one didn't come in the end because "her dp won't have the kids" Hmm

I didn't mind my friend bringing her dds, they are sweet little girls and no trouble at all. but I just find it disgraceful that their so called "d"p's won't even have their OWN kids. Its not the first time this has happened either. We went out in town the other week for another friends birthday and she had to ask her MUM to have the girls as her dp wouldn't. so he sat at home kid-free while his MIL had his kids. disgusting.

Reading this back, it sounds so ludicrous to me, like I have made it up Confused if I go out without dc it wouldn't even cross my mind to think DH would mind staying in with the dc, and vice versa.

Oh and this has reminded me of my own personal bugbear as well, ITS NOT BABYSITTING WHEN ITS YOUR OWN DC. Ok useless dads?????

OP posts:
HKat · 03/09/2012 11:10

Bonsoir, really? So both parents always have to stay in together every Saturday (or any) night? Til when, the kids leave home??!

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 03/09/2012 11:11

This is so common amongst my circle of friends and I have no idea why. My ex was like this too - one of the many reasons he is now an ex. Even if I ever needed the Drs when he was home, I would have to 'book' my Mum to babysit because he used to come and go as he pleased without even telling me most of the time.
The sad thing is that so many of my friends don't like it, but just shrug it off as 'well that's just men isn't it' Hmm. Really? I hope not, if so I will happily do without one forever.

LeeCoakley · 03/09/2012 11:12

YANBU. Reminds me of dp's sister who worked Saturday evenings when her children were small and had to hire a babysitter to come and look after the children even though her husband was there! I can't believe he wasn't embarrassed having to sit in the same room for the evening with the babysitter! But apparently it happened regularly Shock

WilsonFrickett · 03/09/2012 11:32

OMG Lee he sat in the room with the babysitter? Shock That is actually unbelievable. (Not saying I don't believe you, just - wow!) Wasn't he mortified?

Kayano · 03/09/2012 11:39

I would not put up with this at all.

I just say 'here is dd' and waltz off to my evening activity. I only ever ask if I'm not sure if he has plans....
Saturday evening he doesn't do anything so I never ask and never should have to

Women put up with some shit!

marb2309 · 03/09/2012 11:40

YANBU I think it's quite common though. Don't know if it's a lack of confidence or just laziness or being an arse. I know a couple of mums who have to get their mum round if they're going out as they can't rely on their dp.

halcyondays · 03/09/2012 11:42

Yanbu. I notice that sometimes if I'm out by myself I get asked if dh is looking after the dc.(of course he is, I'm hardly going to leave a 6 and 4 year on their own for the evening) I'm sure dh never gets asked this when he's out.

In my case we have no relatives that can babysit so if dh didn't I would never go anywhere. But even if we did he wouldn't dream of palming them off on someone else to babysit while he sat on his arse at home. Very strange.

LeeCoakley · 03/09/2012 11:42

Haha 'tis true wilson! Worse, sil couldn't understand my Shock face when she told me. She thought it was normal that men couldn't look after babies. 'Women's work' according to him.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 03/09/2012 11:44

Bonsoir Confused

Bumsy - what possible reason can he give? I suggest that next Saturday morning you just get up and go out and leave him to it.

MyLastDuchess · 03/09/2012 11:45

Numberlock,that is another pet hate of mine. DP has confirmed that nobody ever asks him where our son is if he's out and about without him. Whether I am working or socialising, it is not at all unusual for someone to pipe up, "Who's looking after DS?"

And when people comment that DP 'helps me a lot' or is great for actually spending time with his own offspring you can just about see steam coming out of my ears Angry

I am a sarcastic bitch not one to suffer in silence so I have been known to raise my eyebrows and drop my jaw a little before saying in a low, earnest voice, "You know he's the father, right?"

MrsHelsBels74 · 03/09/2012 11:47

I usually say I'm babysitting if husband is out but that's just me. I don't get why men can't pull their weight if mum wants to go out, my husband wouldn't dare!

Catsdontcare · 03/09/2012 11:48

Oh I can't even talk to my friend about her dh anymore as I have to bite my tongue but I'm so desperate to shout "he's such a WANKER!" he really is the most selfish man I have ever heard of in regards to childcare of the four children HE insisted they had (she only wanted two)

WilsonFrickett · 03/09/2012 11:49

If someone asks me who has DS I usually say, quite loudly 'Shit! I dunno! I thought you had him?'

It amuses me....

Numberlock · 03/09/2012 11:50

EasilyBored This is a personal bugbear of mine too. Whenever I go away with the girls for the weekend or on business trips, people regularly ask me "Who's looking after the children"? Er, their dad? To which they reply "Isn't he good!"

Yes, give that man a medal for looking after his own kids.

It's beyond me why people end up having kids with these 'men'.

Mind you, I also have friends who, before our weekends away, get everything ready for their husbands, ie meals prepared, kids' clothes laid out for each day etc etc, so some women have a lot to answer for.

Numberlock · 03/09/2012 11:52

Sorry I've double-posted on here as couldn't see my original post.

MyLastDuchess I've started a similar thread on the feminist boards, post that there, I like your style.

nickelcognito · 03/09/2012 12:11

i think Bonsoir meant "why don't you both go out together and have a babysitter" rather than "neither of you should go out"

Original poster
WoodlandHills · 03/09/2012 12:56

Seems like there is a lot of it about :(

Glad most mners on this thread wouldn't and don't put up with it

OP posts:
Bellakins · 03/09/2012 12:56

I don't get this either. But why do women have a family with men like this? Did they not discuss their expectations about life with children etc before they got married/decided to start a family?

I made it clear to my DH I would expect him to do his fair share. He does.. Hey presto, happy relationship, no resentment..

Numberlock · 03/09/2012 13:09

i think Bonsoir meant "why don't you both go out together and have a babysitter" rather than "neither of you should go out"

My interpretation of the comment was that it was unfair of one partner to go out on their own leaving the other at home, especially on a Saturday night.

In a relationship there should be nights out together and individual nights out.

caramelwaffle · 03/09/2012 13:18

MyLastDuchess Love that response Grin

Spuddybean · 03/09/2012 13:27

I am always shocked at men who think they are 'helping' with their own kids. However, i can imagine the women didn't realise this when they chose them. If a man said to me he wanted children i would presume he meant with all that entails. Also even with a conversation before i'm sure the men are convinced they ARE doing their part. My dad considers himself a great dad because he occasionally changed my nappy. My family do the 'ooo arent you good' about a man doing anything child related, but also about the idea that i painted and decorated the house. They even laugh when i say i went to university and accuse me of lying!

But i have made it very clear to DP we do not 'babysit' our own children. He was horrified i would even think he might think that way.

Bonsoir · 03/09/2012 13:58

Yes, I meant that I don't think it's very friendly to go out on a Saturday night without your partner. Both DP and I see friends separately, but we mostly do this at lunch time during the week, only very occasionally in the evening unless the other is away.

Bonsoir · 03/09/2012 13:58

it's not very friendly

Pagwatch · 03/09/2012 14:01

Perhaps someone should cancel the mn meet up.
All those poor dh/dps.....

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 03/09/2012 14:08

I never go out on a Saturday with my oh.
I don't want to listen to boof boof music and he doesn't wante to get plastered listening to rock.

Besides that we don't have babysitters available to one of us has to do it.

When oh was a vey young dad I would come home after a night out and find he had taken the kids to his sister's so he could go out too Hmm

He has grown up old since then.

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