Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

children personal possessions being taken away

83 replies

McHappyPants2012 · 03/09/2012 00:18

why do parents, teacher and other adult take items away from children as punishment.

my oldest is 6 so i am asking what it achieves

OP posts:
annh · 03/09/2012 00:23

Do they return the items at the end of the day? If they are taking away something (e.g. a toy or bracelet) which the child has been playing with, I think it's fair enough. Playing with things during class time is a distraction and if the item gets broken by another child or lost, some parents are only too quick to come into school and complain that it is the fault of the school.

Apologies if I have misunderstood and you are asking about a completely different situation.

LadySybildeChocolate · 03/09/2012 00:23

It doesn't achieve anything. It tells the child that it's OK for adults to take things away from them, nothing else.

Birdsgottafly · 03/09/2012 00:24

It teaches consquence when there may not be an obvious one to the child.

IvanaNap · 03/09/2012 00:25

Depends why it was done?
If they were mistreating it or purely as punishment?

Musomathsci · 03/09/2012 00:27

Handled in the right way, it teaches them that behaving badly has consequences. That's real life!

Original poster
McHappyPants2012 · 03/09/2012 00:28

it is just a general question btw

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 03/09/2012 00:28

Because children sometimes misuse technology, see tonight's teenager sending inappropriate pictures. And when said technology (phone, xbox and similar) is not actually essential to life it should be removed to teach that exact lesson.

Musomathsci · 03/09/2012 00:29

Oops cross-posted.

LadySybilde - that's the message they get if there is no warning or explanation for the confiscation.

TheSmallClanger · 03/09/2012 00:29

Temporarily taking DD's toys off her was one of the most effective discipline methods. We did it in preference to smacking her or things that involved cold-shouldering her.

Catsdontcare · 03/09/2012 00:29

not sure what it achieves but it is generally accepted as a form of disciplin. I probably would have gone down that route myself but ds2 has asd and has turned the disciplin rule book upside down! On a course about autism the lady running spoke very passionately against "punishments" like this for any child.

It really stuck with me and in the interests of fairness it seems wrong to admisiter punishments to ds1 that I wouldn't do with ds2

CoolaSchmoola · 03/09/2012 00:30

It also teaches them consequences.

Important life lesson. Set boundaries, set punishments. The punishment is the consequence of breaking the boundaries.

Some people choose time out, some choose removal of personal posessions, some cancel outings etc.

All these things teach children that there are consequences to the ways in which they choose to behave.

Consequences work best when geared to the child/situation. So where time out may work for some children, for others removal of a toy for a period of time may work better. Horses for courses.

Musomathsci · 03/09/2012 00:31

Child doing something bad eg damaging furniture by banging with toy
Parent "Stop that, you're scratching the table"
Child continues
Parent "Stop that, or I'll take away your toy for an hour"
Child continues
Parent removes toy for one hour

Later - child banging table again
Parent "Stop that, your'e damaging the table"
Child continues
Parent "Stop that or I'll take the toy away again"
Child thinks it over and stops

Simples...

Softlysoftly · 03/09/2012 00:33

Catsdontcare what did she advocate and you follow instead? Genuine question.

Original poster
McHappyPants2012 · 03/09/2012 00:34

i am off to bed, will read back tomorrow after school run

OP posts:
SilveryMoon · 03/09/2012 00:37

I often ask myself this too op.
I don't really like punishment for the sake of punishment but think there are times when taking a toy is justified, reading already listed plus if they are hurting someone with it or teasing.
For the not sharing thing, I sit down and ask them if they have any idea s if how they can both have a turn or play which normally results in them playing nice, but if fighting doesn't stop they will get a warning and then I'll take toy away. Doesn't do much though because then they just argue over something else.
Must re think that!

BackforGood · 03/09/2012 00:47

What Musomathsci said. It becomes a more powerful "threat" as they get into their teens too, and know they won't possibly be able to survive 24 hours without a phone in their hand Wink

Badgerina · 03/09/2012 00:50

I don't know why it's seen as a) acceptable or b) effective in the long term.

I don't do punitive discipline. Healthy, connected kids feel bad enough to know you're disappointed and they made the wrong choice. Punishment breeds resentment and is divisive.

AlfalfaMum · 03/09/2012 00:50

I have a thirteen year old, her behaviour is suddenly very angry, aggressive and unreasonable. Massive tantrums with screaming, breaking things, and she even spat at me a few weeks ago.
The only thing that stops her from making our home a constant war zone is sanctions such as banning her from the computer/not letting her go out with her friends unless her behaviour improves etc. Maybe it's not fucking perfect, but it's better than screaming back at her or slapping her. And it works.

Badgerina · 03/09/2012 00:58

Not wondering WHY she's behaving like that? Sounds terrible for you all Sad

madbengal · 03/09/2012 00:59

Didn't work really very well until DD got her lappy now the threat of her losing that is enough, preteen joy I suppose

with you Alfafamum i was hit too, never hit DD still shouty at times though

IvanaNap · 03/09/2012 00:59

I firmly believe that, if something is given, it should not be taken away. Eg family day out, a treat of a new toy is bought for good behaviour - it is horrid to then take that away at a later date / time for misbehaviour.

But more generic "things" that are more like privileges (tv, internet etc) can be useful as something to earn or lose.

When taking anything though, it should always be preceded by a warning - therefore there is always a chance to stop or change behaviour and, if not, the "consequence" message is clear.

Catsdontcare · 03/09/2012 01:03

Hard to put it into words tbh (maybe cause it nearly 1am!) but for ds1 who is nt I find I don't really have to punish, don't get me wrong he can be a pain in the arse but stern words tend to stop him in his tracks but if he's so hyped up he's not listening I make him sit next to me for a few minutes not so much as a naughty step technique but just to gain his attention so I can speak to him and have him listen. I also make him repeat back to me what I said, you would be amazed at how many times he can't tell me because he hasn't listened!

I suppose an example would be that ds1 has been an utter pitta at bedtime recently, allsorts of delay tactics and generally dragging it out so I gave him a choice and said "look ds1 your bedtime is 8pm and lights should be out but at the minute you are spending 30 minutes messing me around so it 8.30 before you are in bed. I'm happy for you to mess around for 30 minutes at bedtime but it means you will need to come upstairs at 7.30 like ds2 to make sure lights are out at 8pm which means you miss out on watching tv. So you can choose to watch your tv programme and go to bed no messing at 8pm or come up at 7.30 so you can fanny around being silly for half an hour" we haven't had a problem since.

DS2 who has asd, well I have a mental list of motivating things in my mind to keep him in check. I never say right we aren't doing so and so today you've been naughty, more a if you want to achieve x you need to do y. Y always happens but only once x is achieved no matter how long it takes! Eventually he realises it's quicker and easier all round to do x first time!

sounds a bit crap written down!

Catsdontcare · 03/09/2012 01:06

I also find when ds1 is playing up it tends to be attention seeking behaviour so I try and figure out what's bugging him

BackforGood · 03/09/2012 01:16

Healthy, connected kids feel bad enough to know you're disappointed and they made the wrong choice

Seriously Badgerina ? Presumably you aren't living with hormonal teenagers then Hmm

AlfalfaMum · 03/09/2012 01:19

Sorry got all sweary there, must have been feeling a bit defensive Blush

Badgerina I think it's lots of reasons. It's a confusing time for her, she's full of hormones and it's quite natural to rebel at this age. Added to which her father is a bit of a twat and she is becoming more aware of that unfortunately, has just broken up with her stepmother whom DD1 adored and in her own words she thinks he's having a midlife crisis.
She is actually a lovely person, but her life is not perfect. Also few thirteen year olds are cause for parental smugdom I fear.

Swipe left for the next trending thread