children personal possessions being taken away

[McHappyPants2012]

why do parents, teacher and other adult take items away from children as punishment.

my oldest is 6 so i am asking what it achieves

If You disobey the law they take away your freedom

If you disobey the highway code and are caught enough or drive dangerously they take away the licence you have previously 'earned'

Sorry but I think you are all full of crap. Of course it's a reasonable punishment!

Piss about at school and golden time/break is taken from you.

I could go on

I still maintain that taking items away, doesn't get to the heart of the matter. It doesn't work, long term; and it doesn't (especially in the case of a troubled, pissed off teen), teach or model a sustainable coping mechanism for life in the future.

I know my teen enough to know why she was doing what she did (she is now out of thet stage at 16). Sometimes she got into company that seemed fun, because they were allowed to truant and sit in their house all day etc.

By removing privileges, i was mirroring how life would go for these kids, living on JSA, because that was the road that she wasin danger of putting herself on.

I also cut down on what i spent on clothes for her (this is what she is most interested in). Someof us do communicate with our teens and know them well enough to be able to make these decisions.

I have come across teaching staff who seem to have believed what my teen had to say an thought that they knew my DD better than me, teens can be very manipulative.

My DD now says that i should have been tougher on her, she had it to easy!

I see all toys/games/phones/computer games etc as privileges, not rights.

I also see myself as privileged having my house, being in a position to choose the kind of food I buy/ being able to go on holiday etc.

If DS is being downright disobedient despite my best efforts at reasoning/trying to find out why, he gets a warning, then a toy removed.

Those of you who think it's awful to take a toy away, do you not think that perhaps you are in danger of creating massively entitled adults?

Not trying to be snide although I see it could be read that way, just wanted a fuller explanation of why some think that taking a toy is so terrible.

I don't really like the reward/punishment cycle but most parents I know use it as a tactic for behaviour modification.

I think I just have really placid kids. So far.

I take toys from ds (2.11) if it directly relates to why he is messing about. Eg hitting his sister with a train/car/truck, it gets removed, flying off on his scooter near the road, scooter gets removed etc etc. what I don't do is say "I'll take your favourite toy if you don't do x/y/z".

I think we can tie ourselves in knots trying to be the best parent ever but we can't. We make mistakes.

heavy sigh different strokes I guess.

I never had to punish DS AT ALL until about 18 months ago.

He got his 4yo testoterone surge, and turned into a mini werewolf for a while.

Wot larks.

Badgerina Mon 03-Sep-12 00:50:04

"I don't do punitive discipline. Healthy, connected kids feel bad enough to know you're disappointed and they made the wrong choice."

Has it ever occurred to you that healthy connected kids are not all the same? That some genuinely believe that having their own way is more important than not disappointing their mother. That some simply do not accept that a choice is a wrong choice if mummy doesn't like it.

I was such a child. Perfectly healthy, very fond of my mother- I just thought I knew best and having my own way was more important. The pleasure I got from bashing little brother over the head with the doll was greater than any sadness it may have caused my mother.

I gave grown up into a fairly well adjusted caring adult. But it took a few years and in the meantime they did need to exercise some kind of control.

I would also say that having a very disappointed mother can be quite a burden for a child to bear. I remember fearing my mother's disappointment very much as a child, and I still do as an adult, and I have spent a lot of time wanting to please her and doing the 'right thing' in her eyes, I still dread it. I don't play the 'I'm very disappointed' card with my two, I'd much rather give them a warning, a consequence (e.g. six year old, you will lose your computer time if you keep doing X as you are disturbing our family), and keep the emotional blackmail out of it.

It's very naive to assume there's one right way to discipline.

I try and make natural consequences. So removing a toy if it is being used to bash a brother seems a natural consequence. Removing it because he's messing about at bedtime seems illogical to me.
Don't have teens yet, but can see that phones etc are privileges and could be confiscated due to misuse....or to restrict access to peers, if that's where the issue lies, but it doesn't follow, to me, to confiscate for unrelated misdemeanours.
I could lose my license for driving badly, not shoplifting.
I could lose my liberty for criminal activity, not being disrespectful to MIL.

'I don't do punitive discipline. Healthy, connected kids feel bad enough to know you're disappointed and they made the wrong choice. Punishment breeds resentment and is divisive.'

Got to chip in with the other comments on this one.

Sometimes you will be really lucky and raise a child that will respond well to non-punitive methods. But in truth that really is much more down to the child's personality type than anything else. Usually a child/teenager will push boundaries, particularly teenagers, and the only way to 'manage' them is with punitive methods.

To say that 'Healthy, connected kids etc'...suggests that any kid that does not respond to non-punitive methods is not healthy and connected, and that's pretty presumptuous and judgmental.

If they can't play nicely together then it gets taken of them. I can't have them physically damaging each other and generally they play well together.

It also a good attention getting threat - 95% of the time I don't have to carry it through but clearly if they haven't listen then I have to.

Mine are particularly good at getting in a frenzy - especially DS at the minute and it can take a long time to calm them down time which isn't always there - so a quick I mean it threat or carry though can bring it to a halt and a cuddle then move on.

It's particularly good with DS at minute who assumes he is always right - even with his teachers its them in the wrong and while every one says oh he'll learn not to do that again he doesn't really seem to - 10 times later he might. His teacher or me or both being disappointed appears to have no effect at the minute.

If a toy is about to be broken in a temper then it might be taken away - usually if its a shared toy or not theirs or expensive.

It aways done with a warning and it is a technique in an arsenal of approaches.

"Healthy, connected kids feel bad enough to know you're disappointed and they made the wrong choice. Punishment breeds resentment and is divisive.'"

The emotional blackmail of the disappointed parent is far worse than a clear punitive sanction.

The "working with teenagers is similar to parenting one" literally made me lol

"Sometimes you will be really lucky and raise a child that will respond well to non-punitive methods."

My friends dd1 is like this. She (friend) was a little smug when she was younger, but now has ds2 who is, erm, "lively" and she now sympathises with me

Mine our teens and i never take stuff off them as it is not mine to take but i can cut off their use of it as the wifi and electricity are mine.

I used to use the "disappointed" line. Then ds grew up and said, "That was just emotional blackmail, wasn't it?" He was right...

I do think it depends on the child's personality. DS1 responds fairly easily to a stern talking to and "the look"

DS2 well...........

DD used to respond to the look, puberty hit and well that flew out and was replaced by the look from her

It all depends on the child. DD is very intelligent, spirited and active so, a total PITA at times. She needs firm boundaries and guidelines. She has some friends who are the opposite, they just sit there... People who have naturally placid children often mistake that for good parenting.

It's a punishment for bad behaviour.

It applies to real life in that as an adult if you get caught breaking the law for small things like dropping litter or not picking up your dog's crap or you park where you shouldn't or break the speed limit, the authorities will take something of yours ie. your money in the form of a fine.

It's a punishment but for kids, who generally have no money but do have possessions.

I would only use it for extremely bad behaviour though, and possiblly it's more appropriate for older children / teenagers.

As a further thought, I make jolly sure my dog and my horses never see anything as 'theirs' (including and most especially their food) to the point where they're funny about me touching it. In a pack/herd/other social situation, the higher ranking animals have the rights to EVERYTHING (best food, place to sleep etc). They also have the responsibility of providing food/safety etc. The two go together. So it's a discipline method based on animal social behaviour at the most primal level. Not something that's going to permanently screw up any child if done appropriately!

By providing discipline, leadership, love, teaching and social values, we provide our children with a safe environment in which to grow up, and we teach them things like sharing, not over-valuing possessions etc. That's how they grow into well-rounded adults!

I confiscate all sorts of inappropriate things that pupils bring to school. This includes mobiles, PSPs, iPods, vuvuzelas, electric shock pens, pebbles, weird pink squeezy things, magnets... The list is endless. They are taken as they are a huge distraction and they need to concentrate and not distract themselves and others.
Would you rather I didn't? Because in that case, when your child makes inadequate progress, it won't be my fault.