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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

children personal possessions being taken away

83 replies

McHappyPants2012 · 03/09/2012 00:18

why do parents, teacher and other adult take items away from children as punishment.

my oldest is 6 so i am asking what it achieves

OP posts:
Badgerina · 03/09/2012 02:02

You're right. I don't live with teenagers, but I used to teach them (not the same, but similar).

Alfalfa that does sound very hard for both you and your DD. Sounds like she is very lucky to have a parent that she can "act out" with - some kids might bottle all that up, if they didn't feel secure enough to let it out.

I still maintain that taking items away, doesn't get to the heart of the matter. It doesn't work, long term; and it doesn't (especially in the case of a troubled, pissed off teen), teach or model a sustainable coping mechanism for life in the future.

tartyflette · 03/09/2012 02:20

Good grief, Badgerina, self-righteous, much?

So is this how it goes?
Me: 'I am really disappointed in your behaviour, DS.'
Supremely Uninterested DS. 'Yeah. Whatever. You must be confusing me with someone who gives a shit.'

or
Me: 'Do that again and you lose all your privileges.'
DS: 'Jesus, Mum, all right, all right. Just chill, will you.' (Stomps off.)

The latter worked fine for me. He's a happy and healthy adult now. But at 14 or so..... nightmare.

TheSkiingGardener · 03/09/2012 02:56

Badgerina teaching teenagers is very different from parenting teenagers. As the parent you are the one they are going to push every boundary going with, the one they are going to decide they hate and don't care about, because they know you will still love them. They are a hormonal mess and actually, dissapointing their parents may be the exact result they are after.

TaintedLove · 03/09/2012 02:59

Badgerina - really?! By any chance do you believe that ill disciplined wild children are just "spirited"?

TaintedLove · 03/09/2012 03:00

Ha, tarty has it word for word!

tartyflette · 03/09/2012 03:00

I think someone may be a - (whispers) - counsellor. Wink
It's the verbal diarrhoea polysyllabic therapy-speak wot gave the game away.

TaintedLove · 03/09/2012 03:03

Oh tarty, you are clearly lacking discipline and a feathery stroker approach. Shock

ripsishere · 03/09/2012 03:08

IMO, if DD chooses to take something to school that is not allowed, or is showing off with it, it is fair that it is taken away.

MoelFammau · 03/09/2012 03:21

My parents gave all my toys away to the miner's kids during the Miner's Strike.

I was never consulted, just discovered I had no toys all of a sudden. I was 6.

Don't do that.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 03/09/2012 03:47

Sounds like she is very lucky to have a parent that she can "act out" with - some kids might bottle all that up, if they didn't feel secure enough to let it out.

I'm yet to meet that kid

aamia · 03/09/2012 08:59

It works as a form of discipline. They learn respect.

At school, if a toy is being used incorrectly/damaged, should they be left with it? I'm thinking hitting other kids with hula hoops, or deliberately hitting them against the wall until they break. If a toy shouldn't be in their hands in class, it is removed. Their fault for having it out. If a football is repeatedly kicked over the fence at lunch time (it's fun seeing the teacher have to go get it every five mins...), then it's lost until the next day. Don't really see how any of that is going to scar them for life. Just prep for adult life, in which if you don't pay your debts, you can lose your house, and if you misbehave at work, you lose your job.

At home - it's dependent on how 'scary' the parents are. I never had anything removed, but my mum was truly scary and I'd never have crossed her for anything. For less naturally scary/dominant parents, it's a way of enforcing the rules.

No one ever does this without warning, so the child chooses to continue the behaviour, knowing full well what the consequence is.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 03/09/2012 09:05

Children are at school to learn. They don't need personal possessions at school. Perhaps if they sat down, shut up and did what they were told a little more often, then they wouldn't get mobile phonesthings confiscated for using them in lessons.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 03/09/2012 09:22

I take things away from my dc (usually screen time) because I see being able to use games consoles as a privelidge that they have to earn. If they behave badly it's taken away from them because I don't think it's right to teach them that they can do what they want and the only consequence is listening to a telling off. Especially with ds1 who has AS and simply cannot fully understand the sentiments of a telling off, he has to have a clear consequence because there is nothing else that will give him the incentive to modify his behaviour. If I didn't take things away, he would just think 'well Ive got away with that one, and forget all about what I have jut tried to teach him as soon as he's back on the wii or iPod.

At school, (I work in reception Y1) we have a rule that toys can only be brought in on Fridays. It drives me crazy that parents know this yet will continue to allow precious toys to be brought in on any day. If parents won't enforce the rule with their children then we have to teach it to the children directly, and sometimes that means taking a toy away if they refuse to leave it in their bag and not touch it. I hate having to do this at school, but I feel it's the parents that put us in the position where we have to do something that seems (and feels) mean. But they cannot pick and choose what rules they will follow and which ones they can ignore. It's the staff that have to negotiate the bickering that occurs between children when one of them has some much coveted by others item, when Xchild will let Ychild have a turn but not Zchild or whatever it happens to be, and in those cases the only thing to do is to remove the toy and give it back at the end of the day. That way all children have equal access and right to all toys, and that's the way it should be.

flow4 · 03/09/2012 09:28

Badgerina - I don't live with teenagers, but I used to teach them (not the same, but similar) - hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Grin Grin You better wise up to the ridiculousness of this one before yours grow up, or you will be STUFFED!

OP, the bottom line is that most children can be challenging little so-and-sos at times, and most parents feel they need to try to control their behaviour, so they try whatever tactics they can. Hmm:)

NotaDisneyMum · 03/09/2012 09:33

Technology, toys and other possessions are a privilege - age appropriate privileges.

If a child fails to behave in an age-appropriate way, the privilege that comes with the age is taken away.

Even my 9 year old DSS understands it - he doesn't like it - but he gets it.

wordfactory · 03/09/2012 09:47

As an adult I understand that my behaviour will have consequences. And that some of those consequences will be long term. So I adjust my behaviour accordingly.

And, no, I don't always do it because I undersand that it's the right thing to do. Sometimes I do it simply to avoid the consequences. eg I keep to thirty on the entrance to the village because there is a camera. I don't belive it's necessary. In fact I think it's nothing short of a money maker. But I keep to thirty to avoid points on my license.

It takes DC quite some time to understand longer term consequences. So you impose short term ones which have maximum impact.

DeWe · 03/09/2012 09:49

dd2 was caught playing her ds 2 hours after she had been told to go to sleep. The most appropriate response imo is to remove the ds. That way she hasn't got the temptation to play it again. And it wasn't because she couldn't sleep, because she knows if she comes down after a reasonable time and says she can't sleep she is allowed to read a little.

She hasn't done it again since either.

valiumredhead · 03/09/2012 09:59

You're right. I don't live with teenagers, but I used to teach them (not the same, but similar)

Err no, not similar at all.

lljkk · 03/09/2012 10:00

Ouch @ MoelF.

I think it works with some kids in some situations, but not others. You have to try it to see if it works. Some kids are terrible at seeing consequences & acting to prevent them; I think DS2 has mild ADHD so he's a case in point, one of those who don't get consequences easily.

I was reading stories last night with DS3 & DS2 kept bothering us; I threatened & later did take DSi off of DS2 for all of today. DS2 continued to be a pest, I threatened to get his dad but that threat had no effect so I dropped it (DH would have made everything worse, anyway). Next I threatened to remove one of today's privileges. DS2 finally found a little self-control to avoid losing that privilege; he knew I meant it because of having taken DSi already & so recently. I had found the right currency.

Mega tantrums this morning about no DSi today (to be repeated many times, no doubt). Even though I said what I meant & meant what I said & have a track record with DC for being intransient, still DS2 couldn't grasp the reality of the consequences.

So, sort of effective, sort of not.

littleducks · 03/09/2012 10:04

I'm surprised some people are so against this as a discipline method. I was on a child protection course and it was described as an apropriate discipline method (smacking was mentioned as legal but organisers didn't seem to keen on it).

DD looses 'golden time' at school for bad behaviour, it is a powerful motivator for her. At home I will remove priviliges or outings if she misbehaviours, she always gets one if not two warnings. I dont see why I should send time/effort/money etc. doing activities for her pleasure if she does not speak nicely and listen to me (she is prone to whinging).

She is a bit of a know it all, as I was at her age. I dont think my 'disaproval' alone would hold much weight as secretly she would think she knew better than me (as I did my mum)

surroundedbyblondes · 03/09/2012 10:05

My DC are smaller, so I can't relate to the teenage thing yet.

At 2 and 4 it's more about removing something that they might have used to hit each other over the head with, antagonise each other with, or play with at an inappropriate time (mealtime, bedtime...)

Taking away a coveted item because DD1 pushed her sister on the way to school isn't something I would do just yet, though I can see how I might need to resort to this later on. Isn't it the same as removing priviledges?

Groovee · 03/09/2012 10:05

Lots of discipline tactics do not work on dd. But by removing her phone and laptop time, really upsets her and she realises the consequences. You do what works for you.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 03/09/2012 10:06

I think it is an effective method. I'd like to think I will always use it appropriatley though. For instance, if they are damaging a toy: wrning then confiscation of that toy. Or, if they are too distracted by the TV to get themselves dressed - no TV til after they are dressed.

For those who do not advocate it, what methods do you use?

Technoviking · 03/09/2012 10:08

So parents shouldn't punish their children at all now? And we wonder why children have no respect for authority these days.

valiumredhead · 03/09/2012 10:11

If you piss about at work, you get your job taken away from you.

If you piss about at uni, your place is taken from you.

If you piss about and disrespect/ruin a rented property you get your home taken from you.

That's life!