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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider having an affair?

54 replies

Spryte · 01/09/2012 20:14

DH and I have 3 young DC. We have boring sex about once every few months, he seems happy with this and never tries to initiate anything with me, never compliments me and is not inspirational in any way.

We have spoken about it and he just hmms and ahh. To be honest I am so fed up I don't know if I'd even want to have sex with him after all this but this eve I decided to take it by the horns and suggested we take some sexy photos.

He was totally un-exited lounging on teh sofa watching TV while I tried to set the scene and get dressed up. He then asked if we could just have sex there and then and then got annoyed at teh way I tried to set up the camera. I got fed up and put my PJ's on I am just so fed up, I cannot carry on like this!!!!!

OP posts:
greencolorpack · 01/09/2012 20:17

Considering it, yes knock yourself out. Just don't actually do it.

JustFabulous · 01/09/2012 20:18

I think you need to talk to him about what he is happy with and not so happy with in the relationship. You sound very resentful about him and totally without respect.

BlueGoddess · 01/09/2012 20:18

Why don't you just rip his heart out now, and while you're at it do both families and your kids too.

You know YABU - go and talk to him without distraction and tell him how you are feeling. Either that or go get a rabbit.

tethersend · 01/09/2012 20:21

I think you should try harder to get him interested.

Perhaps buy a new camera?

HTH

theborrower · 01/09/2012 20:21

YABU - an affair would break up your marriage, and you're not daft so you must know that. Sounds like you're only contemplating it because you want the attention - a "cry for help" as it were.

Is he stressed with work? Is he depressed? Or, you know, maybe it's just because you have 3 young kids and he's knackered?

My sex life has taken a bit of a battering after having DD, but at the moment I'm accepting it as a compromise for having DD in our room, and we work full time and have lots of housework to do! We manage it every now and again.

maras2 · 01/09/2012 20:22

How on earth did you get from a bad shag every couple of months to wanting to take sexy photos?

LadyBeagleEyes · 01/09/2012 20:24

This reply has been deleted

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beamme · 01/09/2012 20:24

YABU. Is sex really that important to you that you'd risk your marriage for it? There may be more going on then you realise with your DH. Have you always had an active sex life and suddenly it's gone? Could he be under pressure at work or maybe suffering depression. As pp's have said, try and talk to DH, preferably away from home so there are no distractions and in the mean time diy it

Original poster
Spryte · 01/09/2012 20:26

I've tried to bring back the spark so many times, I arranged a babysitter so we could go out last week and he said he would rather stay in so I had to cancel the babysitter. I am just so depressed and frustrated.

OP posts:
BonkeyMollocks · 01/09/2012 20:26
Biscuit
Original poster
Spryte · 01/09/2012 20:27

We've only been together for 5 years. Of course I love my children and he is a fantastic father but I am just so depressed within our marriage.

OP posts:
JeuxDEnfants · 01/09/2012 20:28

You need to talk to him seriously. Affairs with 3 dcs are not advisable...

JeuxDEnfants · 01/09/2012 20:29

You've had 3 dcs in 5 years? No wonder he's off sex... Give it time and the to enjoy each others company. Maybe he's scared you'll get pregnant again. I know I was...

SilveryMoon · 01/09/2012 20:30

It's not just about the sex though is it? It's the love, attention and that need to feel desired.
OP wouldn't be breaking up her marriage for just sex but for everything that comes with it.
It's hard being in a relationship where your needs aren't being met and every attempt to talk about it is met by disinterest.
OP, I don't know what to say, I really don't. I don't think YBU to consider it, but I don't think you should do it.
If you're really unhappy and your dh isn't willing to talk about it, then you need to think carefully about your future as a couple.

lovebunny · 01/09/2012 20:31

he's avoiding sex and you want to play games?
go back to hand-holding, sharing a bath or shower (no sex), massage with nice oils (no sex - you can start by just doing hands or feet). you're aiming to make pleasant skin contact a part of your everyday lives. look at yourselves and smarten up, new hairstyles, clothes, so that you both feel increased self-confidence and self-worth. sex will turn up in its own time.
if he won't go along with it, or if it doesn't work for other reasons - gp, relationship counselling.
if that doesn't work...leave and see what you can get elsewhere.

Original poster
Spryte · 01/09/2012 20:33

I don't want to end up as a single parent of three children, but equally I don't want to stay in a marriage with no affection or desire. I am getting so depressed about it and can't stop thinking about other men, even though I probably wouldn't follow through with anything I just feel so wretched for considering it as well as totally unnattractive and unwanted

OP posts:
larks35 · 01/09/2012 20:33

YABU, just because your mojo is rising doesn't mean his is. Why not just coax a more intimate sexual experience with massage oils, music etc. If my DP suggested taking some sexy pics, I'd tell him where to shove his bloody camera!

I do think that people often forget that life-long partnerships are always about give and take, and that sometimes (yes, it is often for years) one has to do more of the giving than the other.

SirBoobAlot · 01/09/2012 20:34

Don't all be harsh on her, she's obviously depressed and frustrated.

AIBU is the wrong place to post for serious advice, OP. You'd be better posting in relationships.

FWIW I think you need to tell him just how unhappy you are.

Original poster
Spryte · 01/09/2012 20:34

We went to sex therapy a few times and he scoffed at the idea of massage and touching. I try to flirt with him and compliment him but he is just indeifferent

OP posts:
JeuxDEnfants · 01/09/2012 20:34

Agree with give and take and you really need to try to speak to him or go to counselling.

JeuxDEnfants · 01/09/2012 20:36

By the way... I wouldn't say this is unusual. 3 kids is hard work. Give him a chance.

TiggyD · 01/09/2012 20:36

Ask him if he minds somebody else putting the relish on your burger. (That was a metaphor).

JazzAnnNonMouse · 01/09/2012 20:37

Yabu

GoingBlankAgain · 01/09/2012 20:39

If you seriously can't carry on the way you are, don't add an affair to the mix. Sort out your problems, and then leave if you can't find a resolution. Not worth the angst.

ErikNorseman · 01/09/2012 20:42

Did you really know him before you got pregnant? It must have happened pretty fast. Sounds to me like you procreated too quickly with the wrong man and now feel stuck. It's very common! But an affair is not the answer. Woman up, separate from him and in time you can both find fulfilling relationships.