Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider having an affair?

54 replies

Spryte · 01/09/2012 20:14

DH and I have 3 young DC. We have boring sex about once every few months, he seems happy with this and never tries to initiate anything with me, never compliments me and is not inspirational in any way.

We have spoken about it and he just hmms and ahh. To be honest I am so fed up I don't know if I'd even want to have sex with him after all this but this eve I decided to take it by the horns and suggested we take some sexy photos.

He was totally un-exited lounging on teh sofa watching TV while I tried to set the scene and get dressed up. He then asked if we could just have sex there and then and then got annoyed at teh way I tried to set up the camera. I got fed up and put my PJ's on I am just so fed up, I cannot carry on like this!!!!!

OP posts:
Jackin · 01/09/2012 20:43

Well done for trying, it sounds like you're trying to build bridges. Maybe he's just difficient in zink or something? And his drive is at a low.

cupcake78 · 01/09/2012 20:47

You need to tell him how unhappy you are and that your afraid your marriage is in trouble because of it. Having an affair may give you escapism but only for so long and the outcome will involve serious heartache. It's not the answer!

expatinscotland · 01/09/2012 20:53

'If my DP suggested taking some sexy pics, I'd tell him where to shove his bloody camera!'

So would I.

It's an unfortunate situation, but an affair is not the answer.

FriedEggsAndHam · 01/09/2012 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Spryte · 01/09/2012 20:59

I've just tried to talk to him. He said he was going to bed as he was pissed off that I had 'stormed off and got my pyjamas on' and then accused me of not giving a shit about the kids as as soon as I'd put the youngest to bed I'd had a shower and shaved my legs, and he'd got out of bed.... He said that I was selfish and that the pictures where only for my gratification and that I am a drama queen when I said I wasn't sure I could carry on like this and to leave him alone as he wants to go to sleep and that I clearly didn't gove a shit about the kids as I was arguing with him within (sleeping) earshot of them. He sais I spend all my time on the computer and then told me again that I was selfish and to go away. I am now in tears and just so angry and upset.

OP posts:
JeuxDEnfants · 01/09/2012 21:01

I'm sorry op :(

Original poster
Spryte · 01/09/2012 21:01

He said that even though he doesn;t compliment me or say noce things it doesn;t me he isn;t thinking it Hmm have brought this up with him a lot in the past, about how unnattactive it makes me feel when he pays me no attention

OP posts:
Wigglewoo · 01/09/2012 21:04

In my experience (3 failed long term relationships) the lusty sex doesn't last forever. With my now dh I find I enjoy sex but I can take it or leave it. I'm more focused on our two children and everything else. Maybe your dh feels the same? I have been on both sides of this and know how difficult it is to be the one who is rejected but I'd look at your life, your relationship as a whole and decide on balance if you feel so unhappy you'd be better uprooting everything and starting again for a man who might want sex but not have the same good qualities as your husband. Is sex really worth it? That's the question.

Kabooooom · 01/09/2012 21:04

I am also one who would tell DP where to shove the camera.

Seriously, an affair is not the answer. You married him, and every marriage goes through highs and lows. You shouldn't just have an affair just to satisfy your needs if you meant the vows you made. Either sort through the problems, or end the marriage, because an affair will most likely cause the latter anyway but without the added troubles and hurt thrown into the mix.

Kabooooom · 01/09/2012 21:15

Look, I am sorry that this situation is making you feel so unwanted and unattractive. I have gone through spells were I didn't want sex, and DP also. So I see it from both points. What I found was, him trying too hard, or me trying too hard, made matters worse. It just adds further pressure to the other partner and they do lash out. They aren't exactly happy with the situation, but it is normal and every relationship goes through it.

An affair is not the answer. Understanding and patience, along with little steps works wonders. But whether you want to play it the long way, is entirely down to you. It all boils down to how much you care/love/want/respect him.

Original poster
Spryte · 01/09/2012 21:20

It's been going on for about 4 years now Sad

OP posts:
Kabooooom · 01/09/2012 21:23

When exactly did you have your first DC? And when did you get married?

Margerykemp · 01/09/2012 21:31

Do you think maybe DP is having an affair?

It sounds like he doesn't fancy you anymore.

This probably can't have a happy ending.

Original poster
Spryte · 01/09/2012 21:34

I really really don't think he is having an affair (although I did at one point) but I don't think he fancies me anymore.

OP posts:
GhostShip · 01/09/2012 21:35

Yes you are unreasonable.

At least tell him how you feel before sexytiming another man.

Kabooooom · 01/09/2012 21:46

So, when did you have DC1? And when did you get married?

I am wondering whether you have both rushed into this far too quickly without actually knowing each other well.

maras2 · 01/09/2012 21:55

Spryte,I'm so sorry to have been flippant in my earlier post.It must be heartbreaking to feel so rejected.Your DH sounds very unpleasant,and if this has been going on for 4 years you must re evaluate your relationship and try to reconcile yourself to maybe splitting up.I know that will present temporary hardship but for your own mental wellbeing please take advice from the MSnetters who have the skill and knowledge to help you.Don't start an affair,I think that you know that you're better than that.Don't give him ammunition should it come to an acrimonious split.All the best.Mx.

Lovelygoldboots · 01/09/2012 23:43

Spryte, I think you just need to stop worrying. He sounds like a good guy, a good father and he went to therapy with you. Everyones sex life takes a bashing with young children and I am no exception. That doesn't mean he doesn't care. He will probably take the lead if you give him a chance.

BarredfromhavingStella · 01/09/2012 23:56

Spryte you're going through a shit time but an affair is never the answer.
Sounds like you're really trying though- parading about in skimpy undies & offering to do sexy photo's is more than a good effort!!!

Yes the average sex life takes a bashing with small kids but both parties need to make an effort or there is a real risk of the relationship going tits up-you need to talk & I mean really talk & if you still get no joy then you need to decide if he is enough for you-if not then end it & only then look for something more.

directoroflegacy · 02/09/2012 00:01

3 under 5s when would you have the time to have an affair?!

DruAnderson · 02/09/2012 08:05

OP, is he right? Are you a drama queen and only pay attention when you want sex? Because Thu, if that right then I can see his issue.
As for the 'sexy pictures'. That's not really something to jump into if he doesn't want it.
Yabu if you have an affair. There is never an excuse for an affair. If you are really unhappy and think the situation will not be resolved, you need to separate. An affair is incredibly selfish. Its so damaging to everyone involved.
A lack of sex with your husband is not an excuse.

LaLaGabby · 02/09/2012 08:41

"An affair is never the answer"

How do we know this is true? Presumably if there are people for whom an affair is the answer, they keep it quiet rather than come on here and post threads about it.

DruAnderson · 02/09/2012 08:43

Imo an affair never the answer.
Bringing someone else into a relationship without the others consent, is never the answer.

NPPF · 02/09/2012 09:08

Don't have an affair. That will make matters worse and Put you in the blame if you split up.

It sounds like you are feeling neglected and that your DH is not interested in you. Don't focus on sex, try to do enjoyable things together.

I'm a singe mum with 3 kids and it can be pretty miserable too. It is also hard to find another partner who will behave appropriately towards your kids. However, if your marriage is so miserable, then being a single mum might be the lesser of 2 evils.

broodyandpoor · 02/09/2012 09:11

Can you make it very clear to him that sex is very important to you as an adult human being and tell him that it is a deal breaker if things do not improve?