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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to live together first

69 replies

Wiggypigs · 01/09/2012 18:56

Have been with DP for nearly 4 years and currently don't live together. We are hoping to buy a house in about 6 months. Everyone we know is getting engaged, married or having children. Most haven't been together as long as us and don't own their own home and think it strange that we aren't even engaged yet. Me and DP have both said that we want to own our own home first. Are we strange to feel this way? Getting a bit fed up with the constant questioning about not being engaged to be honest.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 01/09/2012 18:57

Just do what suits you as a couple. Me and DH didn't live together until we got married and everyone thought we were weird! :o

MrsKeithRichards · 01/09/2012 19:16

You do what you want.

Kayano · 01/09/2012 19:24

I got engaged then we started house hunting afterwards. Worked out fine. Now married with 6mo dd

unfortunately bought in 2007 then the world imploded

Horses for courses

diddl · 01/09/2012 19:33

I thought that most people lived together before getting married?

We didn´t though & we were thought unusual I think!

EasilyBored · 01/09/2012 19:34

You're buying a house together, without living together in a rented place first?

Kayano · 01/09/2012 19:40

Easily lots of people do that surely?

I couldn't stand the thought of renting at all!

EasilyBored · 01/09/2012 19:51

I can't imagine tying myself into a mortgage with someone if I had not lived with them for a while first. Guess it's just not for everyone.

kim147 · 01/09/2012 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2inthepink1inthestink · 01/09/2012 19:53

I couldn't marry someone without living with them first!
Yanbu stuff like this does my head in. Me and dp have been together 6 years, engaged for 2 years and have 1 child together. We get questions allll the time about when we're getting married. I don't get why it matters so much?

eurochick · 01/09/2012 19:56

We did in your order OP - go out, move in together, get engaged, get married, try (unsuccessfully) for a baby. It's what we were both comfortable with. It's also what most poeple in my social circle have done.

Easily we both owned our own places when we were dating. There is no way either of us wanted to go back to renting. In fact, we planned to buy together but his place didn't sell and mine did, so I bought our home. He rents out his old place and contributes to the mortgage on our marital home. We'd been together for about 5 years when we moved in together so we knew what we were getting into. And if it had all gone wrong, I could have afforded the mortgage by myself.

dreamingbohemian · 01/09/2012 19:59

I think it definitely makes sense to live together first. I'd be renting first though, even if only for 6 months or so. Buying is such a huge commitment and you really don't know someone fully until you live together (in my experience).

vodkaanddietirnbru · 01/09/2012 20:00

we lived together for 6 years before getting married. Were together from the age of 19 and got married at the age of 27

spoonsspoonsspoons · 01/09/2012 20:04

Tbh I think getting a mortgage without living together is a bigger commitment than marriage

Original poster
Wiggypigs · 01/09/2012 20:07

Unfortunately we can't live together until we do buy somewhere. DP currently owns a flat which I stay at as much as possible but I have a dog so can't move in. To be honest there is nothing he could do that would wind me up as much as living with my mother!

OP posts:
kim147 · 01/09/2012 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theborrower · 01/09/2012 20:27

I think it's fairly sensible to want to live together before getting engaged/married, but I would say that - that's what we did :)

But a mortgage is a big commitment, would you consider renting first, incase he did wind you up as much as your mum?

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 01/09/2012 20:28

Being engage is a promise to marry. Perhaps he's happy with the status quo?

Original poster
Wiggypigs · 01/09/2012 21:08

We do want to get married but not our priority at the moment. Don't really want to rent first as hard with the dog and feels like a waste of money. As I know quite a few people who have got married after knowing someone for a year, I'm sure DP and myself will be fine living together.

OP posts:
vodkaanddietirnbru · 01/09/2012 21:11

we never rented either and bought a house together instead

Kayano · 01/09/2012 21:15

I just see renting as wasted money. I want to be mortgage free ASAP lol

DontmindifIdo · 01/09/2012 21:15

Hmm, I'd rent for 6 months before buying, if it turns out you can't live together, then it's relatively easy to split up, but buying is a tricky thing to get out of, particularly if one of you are feeling a bit angry and difficult.

We got married before buying, but then we'd been renting together for over a year before getting engaged.

I don't think renting is a waste of money if you haven't lived together at all, it's relatively cheap to get out of the relationship and untangle your finances if you can't live together after 4 months. If you have bought, it will normally cost you significantly more than 6 months rent to get out of that relationship unless you split up in a completely amicable way (and how many couples have been in cheery moods with each other in the first 2-3 weeks after a split? that's the time you'd need him to be completely reasonable).

Ephiny · 01/09/2012 21:15

I thought it was more usual than not to live together before getting engaged/married these days Confused.

DH and I were together for 10 years and lived together (in the house we bought) for 5 years before we got married. We didn't really do 'engaged', we just decided we'd like to get married then did so.

I did consider whether we should rent first, but like you I thought it seemed a waste of money (especially as property prices were going up and up at the time and our savings were not keeping up), and we knew each other pretty well by that time.

FriedEggsAndHam · 01/09/2012 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Wiggypigs · 01/09/2012 21:28

I'm hoping that after 4 years together we know each other pretty well. Actually really looking forward to living together.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 01/09/2012 21:55

Hmm, we'd been dating for about 4 years when we first lived together, we still had a 'nearly breaking up' argument 4 months in. Tis normal, you don't know someone until you've lived with them IMO. You are still in the 'packing a bag to stay with him' stage, and the time you spend together is still time you are focussed on each other.

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