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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to live together first

69 replies

Wiggypigs · 01/09/2012 18:56

Have been with DP for nearly 4 years and currently don't live together. We are hoping to buy a house in about 6 months. Everyone we know is getting engaged, married or having children. Most haven't been together as long as us and don't own their own home and think it strange that we aren't even engaged yet. Me and DP have both said that we want to own our own home first. Are we strange to feel this way? Getting a bit fed up with the constant questioning about not being engaged to be honest.

OP posts:

TraineeBabyCatcher · 02/09/2012 11:43

We doing planning on moving in together before we get engaged/married. I already rent, and he lives with his parents so its easy for us. Its on the cards in the near future, probably this side of christmas, maybe after depends how quickly i settle into uni routine and how quickly he gets a new job.

The way i feel about dp now i want to spend the rest of my life with him, but i would hate to marry someone, move in together and the realise they have some ridiciously annoying trait, or that we just dont gel living together. I want to know that before we get married.

NarkedRaspberry · 02/09/2012 11:46

You're very brave.

spoonsspoonsspoons · 02/09/2012 11:55

I know one friend who got engaged before living together, they got unengaged within 6 months of living together!

Original poster

Wiggypigs · 02/09/2012 11:55

I don't really see it as being brave. It just feels right. If I had any doubts at all then I wouldn't be doing it.

OP posts:

NarkedRaspberry · 02/09/2012 12:29

I don't think I would have bought a house with someone before living with them. I did live with DH before getting engaged to him and marrying him, so I'm with you on that.

glastocat · 02/09/2012 12:29

Well it's up to you of course, but I wouldn't do it.

Original poster

Wiggypigs · 02/09/2012 14:13

We had planned to live in his flat together for 6 months before buying a house but my mum refuses to have my dog for me in this time so that's not going to happen. DP does not want to rent as doesn't want to throw money away when it can go towards our own house. Yes we may be taking a risk buying before living together but we have been together for 4 years and never had a row about anything and spend as much time together as possible. I know plenty of people who have bought a house and got married after knowing each other less than a year. That to me is crazy but may be reasonable to them. Everyone is different. At the end of the day if we did break up, DP would keep the house as he could afford to pay the mortgage on his own. To be honest it is a risk I am willing to take.

OP posts:

kim147 · 02/09/2012 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 02/09/2012 15:07

I know three couples who didn't live together (or have sex) before they married, and they're all very happy 5+ years in. All are religious (2 Christian, 1 Muslim) so that was the basis behind the decision. All of them were aware of the potential pitfalls, and talked at great length before making that commitment.

It's not what I would do - DP moved in to my house (he was lodging with another bloke) on the understanding that if it worked well, we'd get married. 5 months later he proposed and we're getting married in a few weeks.

It's down to what works for you and your relationship. If you're confident that your relationship will make the transition, and you're happy to make the financial commitment without testing the personal commitment, nobody else can tell you you're wrong.

vezzie · 02/09/2012 15:16

Do you know whether you both feel the same about marriage, the future, and children?
Breaking up with someone you own a house with and live with can feel like divorce but can be got into with perhaps less thought than marriage. Make sure you know whether this is a starter relationship or not (in your mind and his).
If you see this as a step on the way to marriage and / or children, make sure he does too.
If you want children someday but not now, define (together) someday.

Original poster

Wiggypigs · 02/09/2012 15:27

Yes we both want to get married and have children and once we have a house we will start this ball rolling. Not in any rush though :)

OP posts:

vezzie · 02/09/2012 21:44

OK Wiggypigs. Sorry about being so nosy but sometimes the internet makes it happen.
I only said that because a lot of my friends in their 20s (a thousand years ago) moved in with significant others in circles where received wisdom was that it was insanity to marry young; yet found themselves quasi-divorcees later. For those in their early 30s it was fine as they just started again (however broken hearted, or otherwise) like the men do; for those older, who wanted children, it was trickier. I know a few childless women who were in long domestic relationships that ultimately petered out and I wonder whether they are childless or single by choice. Perhaps they are - what do I know.

DontmindifIdo · 02/09/2012 21:51

I don't understand, if you're going ot carry on as you are for another 6 months, then buy together, then think about getting married, surely it would make more sense to rent somewhere that do allow dogs for the same money your DP is paying out in rent now anyway, that won't cost you any different as a couple, but would mean you get to 'have a go' at living together without being too commited financially...

Original poster

Wiggypigs · 02/09/2012 22:09

He owns his flat. It would be a lot simpler if he did rent. It would also be a lot simpler if had bought a house in the first place :p

I totally understand the question about us both wanting marriage and kids. Someone I used to work with got engaged and bought a house only for it to come out that she didn't want kids and he did. Was a messy split!

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 03/09/2012 10:11

I may be off base here, but I think it's interesting you say you haven't had a fight in four years. I think you should probably expect that to change when you move in together! (that's based on my experience anyway) It's natural to fight sometimes and it's actually good to find out how the other person handles conflict and resolution. I would be nervous buying a house with someone without knowing how he might react if problems arise.

You say he doesn't want to rent because it's throwing money away, do you agree with that as well? As someone pointed out, it will cost you a lot more than 6 months rent if things go south after you buy.

I don't want to be all negative, after all this is an exciting time! But it is a HUGE commitment as well, so be careful

DontmindifIdo · 03/09/2012 14:59

So, that still doesn't make sense, why can't you and your dog move into his flat? It's not like he has a landlord that would ban dogs?

If for some reason his flat isn't suitable for dogs, could you not rent out his place and rent somewhere else together, that way you aren't 'losing' anything other than the risk you'll hate living together.

There is a world of difference between 'staying now and then', and living together. I lived in a different city to the now DH for the first few years of our relationship, when he moved to being close to me we rented a place together, it was massively different to 'visiting' - the longest we'd spent in each other's company before had been 3 weeks, but we'd never been in the situation where we were both going to work, going to meet other people in the evenings, having to deal with deadlines with the other one in the flat, having no away from them time - and you have only been a visitor in his space or him in your space. You've not shared the same space.

squoosh · 03/09/2012 15:59

No way on earth I'd enter into a mortgage with someone I'd never lived with!

CasperGutman · 03/09/2012 16:04

Get married before living together, sure. But personally I'd rent a place before you buy. It's a heck of a lot easier to get a divorce than it is to unpick shared ownership of a property if you can't sell it and neither of you earns enough to take over the mortgage!

CherryBlossom27 · 03/09/2012 16:11

I personally would want to rent somewhere first and see if living together worked out before moving in and taking out a mortgage, but I think that's because I'm possibly a bit cynical and think it would be a nightmare to split up and sort out what to do with a mortgage afterwards whereas renting would be easier to disentangle from.

Having said that, two of my friends are Christian and got married first before moving I together so it's kind of similar. Again, in this situation I'd want to live together first before getting married!

I think the main thing is having ground rules before you move in and who is expected to do what because it always seems to be that people assume things will work out 50/50, but it usually doesn't turn out that way.

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