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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to live together first

69 replies

Wiggypigs · 01/09/2012 18:56

Have been with DP for nearly 4 years and currently don't live together. We are hoping to buy a house in about 6 months. Everyone we know is getting engaged, married or having children. Most haven't been together as long as us and don't own their own home and think it strange that we aren't even engaged yet. Me and DP have both said that we want to own our own home first. Are we strange to feel this way? Getting a bit fed up with the constant questioning about not being engaged to be honest.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 01/09/2012 22:03

I wouldnt buy a property with someone without living with them full time first.

dreamingbohemian · 01/09/2012 23:01

Have you lived with anyone before? It's just, well, it's quite surprising how different it is, when you properly live together. I thought it would be no big deal when I moved in with my now DH, as we had previously been (platonic) flatmates. We still had a big adjustment period.

Why can't you move into his place with your dog, if he owns and not rents?

Born2bemild · 01/09/2012 23:07

We didn't live together before marrying and buying a house. We're fine ad it didn't feel weird, but Ican see it might not be for everyone. Actually it was lovely, getting married felt like a real adventure. Do what you want, when you want OP.

Emandlu · 01/09/2012 23:21

We moved in together 6 weeks after getting together. 15 years later neither of us wants to move out. We got married after being together for 2 years, so we had obviously been living together just short of 2 years.
I don't remember there being a big adjustment period, it was all one big adventure. Yeah we had arguments and stuff but not to the point that we would consider moving out.
Whatever you think is good or you is what you should do. We can all tell you what we did, but I bet there will be as many different ways of doing things as there are people posting.

Original poster
Wiggypigs · 02/09/2012 00:44

Can't move in at the moment as his lease says no dogs. I lived with people at uni and understand how hard it is to live one some people. Lived with my best mate for 4 years and she drove me crazy! DP on the other hand is very similar to me and we are both laid back. Never had a proper argument with him and he is nice and tidy :)

OP posts:
Feckbox · 02/09/2012 03:15

Don't ever marry. So much easier if you split up

milkteef · 02/09/2012 04:12

Do what suits you best. I was always brought up to marry before I lived with someone but I have lived with two men, DP for three years. We are getting married next year if our finances allow it. I like how I know his bad habits and his morning routine as he knows mine before we make a legal commitment on our love.

DontmindifIdo · 02/09/2012 07:12

At the risk of raising something you've not thought of, if he's nice and tidy, and used to living on his own, is htere a possiblity that while you'll find living with him fabulous, you might drive him mental Grin

Original poster
Wiggypigs · 02/09/2012 10:10

He has been living with his mate for the last 7 years so he is used to living with someone else. His mate wasn't exactly the tidiest or cleanest person (I spent most of last weekend trying to clean all the marks and stains he left behind when he moved out!). DP is not OCD about things and neither am I. I work shifts so we would still have time to ourselves at home. We would like to have a period of time together in his current flat but just can't happen with my dog.

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 02/09/2012 10:15

A joint mortgage is a huge commitment. If it doesn't work out you could end up seriously regretting it. Could you live together in the property you have now? Rent for a short period? I would be wary of having a joint mortgage with someone I wasn't married to. How much equity are you each putting in? How would it be divided it you sell? Are you paying half the monthly payment each? Please get legal advice before you sign the mortgage agreement.

Original poster
Wiggypigs · 02/09/2012 10:24

My dad left my mum with 2 small children and a mortgage to pay even though they were married so I don't see how being married offers any protection at all to the situation. He will be putting a lot more money in to the property than me as I don't earn as much and the majority of the deposit money is his. He could afford the mortgage on his own but wants to put my name on it as well as wants it to be our house. I'm sure we will go through the legal side of it once we actually sort it all out. There is no way I could afford a property of any sort on my own so don't see that I have much to lose to be honest. He might but I would never do that to him.

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 02/09/2012 10:33

My mum always said 'try before you buy' Smile

We have been together for 12 years. We rented for 2 years then bought. We got married 7 months ago after a 6months engagement.

I know we waited longer than most to actually tie the knot but I don't know anyone of my age who did not live with their partner first before engagement/marriage

Trills · 02/09/2012 10:34

Personally I wouldn't buy a house with someone without living with them first.

Passmethecrisps · 02/09/2012 10:35

Re the mortgage 'issue'. If both names are on the mortgage then it makes no difference if married or not. Marriage can make certain things slightly more straightforward but in my opinion, it will make no difference to your security with the mortgage.

You obviously know each other well. How long is the longest you have actually stayed with each other?

Trills · 02/09/2012 10:36

I think getting a mortgage with someone is as big of a tie as getting married, and I wouldn't do either if I hadn't lived with the person first.

Marriage vs buying a house, not really bothered which order they come in.

Passmethecrisps · 02/09/2012 10:39

trills that is how we felt. We had a cat and two mortgages by the time we got married. The marriage bit was really about starting a family as it felt 'right' to be married. Nothing else changed in our relationship other than wads of debt from the wedding

Original poster
Wiggypigs · 02/09/2012 10:46

The longest I've stayed at his is 12 days and I stay at his for a week at a time when on night shifts. I stay at his every weekend, his flat is full of my stuff and we share the cooking and cleaning. It does feel like we already kind of live together but I am away for some of the week.

I think I am just sick to death of people's constant comments about us not living together or not being engaged.

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 02/09/2012 10:49

Screw them wiggy. People want reassurance that their life choices were the right ones and by you doing something different it makes them wonder.

You know you and your partner best. The only potential issue I can see which would be the case with renting or buying is your finances. Do you know how good he is with money? How god are you? Might be worth an honest evening with a bottle of wine and a spreadsheet

NervousAt20 · 02/09/2012 10:52

IMO i think it's best to live together first as moving in together is hard work and can put alot of pressure on you both as a couple

thebeesnees79 · 02/09/2012 10:53

me and my dh moved in together first (he was 20 & i was 18!) we got engaged 2 years later and married after 4 years.
so you do what best for you!
we have been together 15 years & married 10 at the end of this month :)
good luck

Trills · 02/09/2012 10:54

I had some friends (a couple) where she didn't want to live together until they were engaged, and he said that might be a problem because there was no way he would propose if they weren't living together.

He won (with the support of all of her friends, who told her she was being a muppet)

Startailoforangeandgold · 02/09/2012 11:04

DH and I lived together at weekends, but not full time before we married.

Being broke students, we did live together. We cooked, shopped and sat about chatting and watching TV. He thanked my flat mates for having him by hoovering our flat. He could get the decrepit think to work.

No wild party's, meals out (unless you count McDs), the odd drink in a pub was it.

By the time we married we knew exactly what living together would be like - lots of chatting, lots of mess and computer bits everywhere.

24 years later we still chatter, live in a cluttered mess and have electronic junk everywhere.

Original poster
Wiggypigs · 02/09/2012 11:04

He is brilliant with money, me not so much. He has spreadsheets which have all our finances sorted. We could afford to get a house now but we would have no money to fall back on in an emergency so we are going to give ourselves another 6 months to save. I have always been a bit commitment phobe ( I blame my absent father for this!) but with DP is just feels right. He is my best friend and we are so excited about the next stage.

OP posts:
Badgerina · 02/09/2012 11:10

DH and I lived together first. I personally wouldn't marry or agree to marry anyone who I'd not lived with first Smile

Dandelion75 · 02/09/2012 11:34

You should do whatever you want to do. I don't know anyone who has got married or even engaged without living with their OH first. IMO you need to try before you buy!

In our case, we have been together 11 years, lived together for 8 (first renting, then buying and now on our second house). Got engaged on our 10th anniversary, but no immediate plans to get married as expecting our first DC. Totally backwards in a traditional sense, but none of our friends and family have batted an eyelid. And if they did, we still wouldnt change anything!