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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have DD in this arrangement of childcare

53 replies

LittleWaveyLines · 01/09/2012 15:25

DD is 14 months and very very intensive - she naps maybe 30mins a day and is only just starting to be able to play on her own - she needs picking up/ putting down/picking up etc about 20 times a minute....

As she is so demanding, we have ended up using slings, bedsharing etc...

Anyway, I really don't want to leave her to go back to work, but think I would go insane if I didn't as she really is very intense!

So I asked for a 50% teaching timetable or less (secondary school) but still ended up going in 4 days a week for the 50%. And as it's a 2 week timetable, my day off is different alternate weeks. So I would have to pay for 5 full days of childcare for 50% salary.

We could afford for me not to work if we live very frugally.

DP's parents seem to be happy to have her on the changeable day, and I'm sending her to a childminder for the other 3.
Due to my hours, and DP's employer being a bit flexible, most days she will be in childcare 9am - 4pm. Apart from staff meeting/ parents evenings etc, when it will be longer.

I'm feeling that it's a bit unreasonable to expect a 14 month old to thrive with being in childcare 4 days a week, even if one of those days is with family, as it is all too different. Especially a child who seems to need her mum so much. Especially as we don't actually NEED me to work.

(Other reasons for me to continue working are to keep my job (good school), pension contributions, sanity, etc)

So.... AIBU?

OP posts:
mellen · 01/09/2012 15:28

If she has good childcare she will be fine. It doesnt sound like this is what you want though. Is it worth you going part time if this is the way that part time would work?
Could you look at different childcare - might a childminder be more flexible?

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 01/09/2012 15:28

Happy mum = happy child. So no, YANBU .

Rubirosa · 01/09/2012 15:35

My ds did 18 hours a week with a childminder from 13 months and was absolutely fine - your dd will be doing similar (I wouldn't count a day with GPs as "childcare"). Actually I think you have a pretty ideal balance there!

Themumsnot · 01/09/2012 15:40

Look at it this way: three days a week she will be with you, three days in childcare, one day with GPs. I would call that pretty ideal.

TheSurgeonsMate · 01/09/2012 15:41

No, YANBU.

catwoo · 01/09/2012 15:43

Jumping 'happy mum= happy baby' = biggest load of bollox

That aside, I think you should give it a go and see how it works.If your DD isn't settling then you will have to think again.It is a pity that you couldn't leave it a little longer though as youir DDs age is known to be the peak age for clinginess in another 6 months or so she would probably take to it a lot easier.

dreamingofsun · 01/09/2012 15:45

you'll be around all the holidays though. maybe it will be good for her as she will have to get used to not being picked up etc all the time - she will have to learn to be less demanding. quality of nursery or childminder important though

NCForNow · 01/09/2012 15:46

I agree with Cat...try it out with an open mind and that way you won't get so stressed out....be aware that you will be very tired working 4 days.

catgirl2012 · 01/09/2012 15:50

DS was in childcare 3 days a week from about 14 weeks old

He "thrived" and is the most confident, secure little chap and doing great in every way
There is no reason to think your DD wouldn't thrive in the arrangement you suggest but I think the quality of the childcare is everything (almost everything - your DD as an individual and how she takes to it will also come in to play)

Give it a go and dont feel guilty

I would put DS into the nursery he is in at least 1 day a week even if I didnt work as I think it is so good for him

Prepare for some hand wringing about "precious moments" though Grin

Pinkforever · 01/09/2012 15:54

Happy mummy=happy baby? have I woken up in a parallel universe or worse-nm?

It us entirely up to you what childcare choices you make. Personally I dont think full time nursery is suitable for very young dcs and thats one of the reasons I am a sahm-but thats my choice.

But have you considered that your dd may not settle into nursery?-especially if she is as clingy/high maintenence as you suggest? have you ever left her with extended periods with strangers?

I hope that it goes smoothly for you and that your dd thrives in that environment though I have to admit to a wryGrin when people talk about "high maintenence" or "velcro" babies-who made them that way I wonder?.....

EvilTwins · 01/09/2012 15:54

It sounds very much like this is more about you and your needs that DD's. I don't mean that in a nasty way, but the whole "she needs to be picked up...", "she is very intense" etc are, IMO more to do with parenting that children.

Personally, I think your childcare arrangements sound fine. I would ask if you are enjoying work- if so, then stick with it. As a fellow teacher, I get a huge amount of satisfaction from my job, and I genuinely believe that makes me a better mum- not because happy mum
= happy baby, but because I think it's important to have balance and not to make PFB the centre of your existence.

I also agree that being with a childminder will probably help DD- being intense and clingy, which inevitable at your DD's age, is not something desirable in a older child.

Original poster
LittleWaveyLines · 01/09/2012 16:19

Thanks for the responses.

FWIW I really don't think I "made her this way". She's been like this from birth. And I don't believe that leaving them to cry teaches them anything other than no-one will come when you need them.

The childminder (not a nursery) seems very nice - but obviously I don't know what she's like with the children in private. She will have 3 under 3s, one of which is her own....

OP posts:
janey68 · 01/09/2012 16:27

I'm sure she'll be absolutely fine.

I do wonder whether you might be better off seeking another post though, as to be in work 4 days out of 5 but only paid 50% of your salary sounds madness. I can understand that it may not meet your employees needs to block your working hours, so it's understandable if they can't do it, but if it were me I'd be looking to either earn a lot more for that time, or find another post where half the income genuinely means half the work.

Themumsnot · 01/09/2012 16:29

LWL - for what it's worth my personal velcro baby (the only one out of three so I wonder how much parenting had to do with it!) is now a happy well adjusted teenager. You do what is right for you, the rest will follow. The one thing I would counsel is that you should take a look at the job market in your area before deciding to resign: I have just finished a secondary PGCE and have had no luck with finding a permanent job in my area as they are few and far between, so I shudder at the idea of someone giving up one they have got. Once your child starts school having a teaching job will be such a boon. But that caveat aside, go with your heart.

lovebunny · 01/09/2012 16:29

littlewaveylines, i agree entirely that leaving them to cry teaches them that no-one will come...

now, do you want to leave this baby? are you sure?
if you are sure, and you have made sensible arrangements for childcare (sounds sensible, three days with a minder, one with grandparents), go for it.
and if you don't want to go, don't go. living frugally can be fun.

InkyBinky · 01/09/2012 16:30

Sounds like a great arrangement to me. Your DD wont be 14months and clingy forever. It might work well but you won't know unless you try Smile. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Greythorne · 01/09/2012 16:32

pibkforever
are you seriously suggesting parents create high needs babies / toddlers?

If so, now I know I am in a parallel universe.

Pinkforever · 01/09/2012 16:38

Yes I believe some parents do grey-please note that I have said some parents not all....

EvilTwins · 01/09/2012 16:39

Greythorne- I certainly believe that parenting can contribute. Purely anecdotal, of course, but I have twins, and when they were babies and toddlers, we were part of a twins group. I still have a number of close friends with twins, and my DTDs are good friends with two other sets of ID twin girls the same age as them. When your twins are tiny babies, you have no choice sometimes but to make a crying baby wait. Whilst you learn quickly how to feed/wind/carry them together, it's impossible to change/ bathe more than one at a time, and often another adult is not on hand to help. So my girls had to learn to wait. No other option. The twins group was the most chilled out playgroup we went to - very few clingy toddlers, most were good at sharing, even at a young age, and hardly any PFBism. For those of you claiming that leaving a baby to cry, even for a few minutes, is cruel, spare a thought for those of us who had no choice in the matter. My girls are now 6 and are happy, well adjusted little things.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/09/2012 16:39

FWIW I think everything is a combination. For example, I think good or bad eaters are born but you can make a bad eater out of a good eater. My friends with 'bad' eaters have children that don't eat a lot to start with. DD, who will eat anything, veg, fruit, spicy food... was also found yesterday eating the weather stripping on a door.

Some babies are more clingy and needy. Not in a bad way. My friend has one that is easy as pie. Just sits there unless she wants something. Has always been that way. Sleeps 13 hours a night too. DD has 10 hours and is a dynamo all the time. I couldn't make her placid and my friend can't make her DD intense.

MordecaiAndTheRigbys · 01/09/2012 16:44

I agree, I made my DS clingy and over dependant on me, I too felt he needed to be handled a certain way, we used to be afraid to cough or sneeze in the house.I wish I were more chilled about it because he is 6 now and I can see where I went wrong.

Having said that, if you dont need to go back to work but still want to maintain sanity, you could volunteer or something? Then your child could get th benefit of childcare (other kids etc) and the benefit of you there most of the time?

Original poster
LittleWaveyLines · 01/09/2012 16:51

lovebunny No I don't really want to leave her, but I think it will be the best for me short term and long term, and having job security will be best for her long term, as well as potentially other benefits from childcare. I feel very torn.
I can't give notice until half term to leave at Christmas anyway, so will have to give it a go!

For those arguing nature/nurture of high needs/velcro babies; I believe that of course it is a combination of both. And I have tried very hard to not nurture it

  • taken her to baby groups and handed her over to other mums she knows well regularly (always ended badly very quickly, but I persevered)
  • made sure she saw her grandparents regularly (even though she wouldn't go to them until recently)
  • didn't fuss over her but got on with things even if she was in the sling....
etc.

I don't think you can compare twins to singletons as not only do you have to ignore one to deal with the other on occasion (not choose) - but the twins always have each other anyway, so it's a different situation!

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleWaveyLines · 01/09/2012 16:55

I try to be very chilled with her - if she is being clingy I stick her on my back and get on with things. The other option is listening to perma-whinge then, crying, then hysterical sobs (yes, been there... took about 5mins max from 0 to sobs)

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleWaveyLines · 01/09/2012 16:58

I just think that I wouldn't need to go back to work for my sanity if she didn't need me so much! So "AIBU to run away from her intense need for me" is what I am really saying... I think!

OP posts:
MoreCrackThanHarlem · 01/09/2012 17:06

I think your childcare plan sounds perfect, really well balanced.

There is nothing wrong with going back to work through want rather than need.
If you enjoy your job and have arranged good childcare, I'm sure all will be well.

And what Janey said wrt looking for a more suitable part time position.

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