AIBU to have DD in this arrangement of childcare

[LittleWaveyLines]

DD is 14 months and very very intensive - she naps maybe 30mins a day and is only just starting to be able to play on her own - she needs picking up/ putting down/picking up etc about 20 times a minute....

As she is so demanding, we have ended up using slings, bedsharing etc...

Anyway, I really don't want to leave her to go back to work, but think I would go insane if I didn't as she really is very intense!

So I asked for a 50% teaching timetable or less (secondary school) but still ended up going in 4 days a week for the 50%. And as it's a 2 week timetable, my day off is different alternate weeks. So I would have to pay for 5 full days of childcare for 50% salary.

We could afford for me not to work if we live very frugally.

DP's parents seem to be happy to have her on the changeable day, and I'm sending her to a childminder for the other 3.
Due to my hours, and DP's employer being a bit flexible, most days she will be in childcare 9am - 4pm. Apart from staff meeting/ parents evenings etc, when it will be longer.

I'm feeling that it's a bit unreasonable to expect a 14 month old to thrive with being in childcare 4 days a week, even if one of those days is with family, as it is all too different. Especially a child who seems to need her mum so much. Especially as we don't actually NEED me to work.

(Other reasons for me to continue working are to keep my job (good school), pension contributions, sanity, etc)

So.... AIBU?

Agree with most - sounds like an ideal childcare arrangement to me.
3 days with you, 3 days with CM, 1 day with GPs, for 39 weeks, plus 13 weeks when schools are in when you and your dc can be together 7 days a week.
I used to think a secondary PT contract was a bum deal (with having to go in most days) but my friend pointed out that it's fine, because you do all your lesson preparation, marking, preparing stats for SMT, reports, etc, etc during the day, and don't then have to work in evenings and weekends as FT teachers do. The fact you have to only pay for 3 days childcare for this is such a bonus.

I'm a childminder who looks after a 'high-need' toddler who I've had with me since she was 10 months old. My own DD is also quite 'high-need' and intense (hates sleep, always on the go, spent her first year attached to me).

The little girl I look after sobs her heart out when her mum is leaving her but as soon as the door closes she is happy. It is quite litterally as if a switch has been flicked! I recorded her one day and her Mum was much happier when she saw the video. Her parents have asked if I'll still have her one day per week when her mum goes on maternity leave because she is so happy here (and to secure a baby place).

And if it makes you feel any better, my velcro baby is now quite happy to go off with friends and family and I'm actually getting a life back :)

She'll adjust and be fine. Stop worrying.

Thank you :)

Your childcare arrangement sounds fine. I also have a high maintenance dd, my ds (pfb is nothing like this and never was as a baby). Some babies are just like this and it has nothing to do with parenting.

Ds slept through from 2 weeks old. Dd refused to sleep from being born, even my labour didn't tire her out and she gave up naps really early.

I work 4 days a week in teaching and , although mid term it seems horrendous and as though I only ever see the dcs when rushing them to bed or to cm's, the holidays are fab and we get much more time to catch up. It is a balance, but your childcare seems fine.

Give it a go, you can always change your mind if it doesn't work out.

Can I ask, how many times have you spoken to a parent at PT meeting and they have said their child is very different at home to the person you are talking about?

I bet it's loads.

They are often different with other people than how they are with their parents. She will probably love the other childrens company and really thrive with the childminder. She also has one day with GPs too! And a whole three days with mummy. It sounds ideal to me. You will both enjoy your time together a lot more for having the break from each other too.

does she really need her mum? is she emotionally clingy? and is it just to you not her father? or does she just need stimulation and attention? because she will get that - with her GPs and also with a childminder with other children around, if she's just sociable and likes a lot of stimulation she'll thrive.

[not saying you're necessarily like this, but some mums like to think their LO needs them in particular when actually they're fine with other caring adults instead]

I noticed when DD was this age that she adapted to the different setting rules very easily. At home she wanted Mummy most of the time and at Nursery she was quite happy to play with other children or alone. I put her clinginess down to the fact that I was forced advised to cot nurse her for the first 24 hours due to the horrific bruising she had on her head. It took me 24 hours to be together enough to say no cot nursing is not the solution pain relief is.

As you know, I have a DS with similar traits to your DD. He's been going to nursery for four days a week since I went back to work (secondary teaching) at Easter and has thrived. I hope you find the same.

Fwiw, your timetable sounds crap! Do you teach a core subject? I bet you could find a more flexible school.

I ended up putting my oldest into two different daycare/preschool situations each week as he was so intense. He thrived on it. We started looking for a good fit for him when he was about 13 months old. First we tried home carers and two fired him
So we started with structured nursery type places two days in each every week and he thrived, all that stimulation, people, toys, other kids and routine. He never napped at his daycare, he was too busy, so they let him lie with books in an area where he couldn't bother the sleepers. Try it, you can always stop work and stay home on a tight budget if it doesn't work.

Trying to answer this truthfully: she is very attached to me. But is getting a lot better with DP/Grandparents/Childminder. I think she takes quite a long time to come round to people - they really need to work with her as she does need lots of attention and it has always previously been easier for DP/GPs to just hand her back to me.

So although I would say she needs "me" (and I think she does, but possibly just knowing I will come back for her is enough) she also needs the people looking after her to give her lots of stimulation and attention. We tried nursery but it was too loud and busy for her though - she's best in small groups - hence changing to a childminder after a short trial.

I've actually been back on 50% for the last half term, but because they didn't give me a proper timetable, it meant she just did short days at the CM which didn't seem too bad. But she still took about 5 weeks before I was picking up a not toooooo upset little girl :(

I'm science, but as far as I can tell my timetable is pretty usual for the school. All barr one of my trapped hours are PPA ("frees"), so I can't complain too much - I just tend to start at 11.20 some days, 9am others, finish 3.45 most days etc - so as I have to pay for the same hours each week with the CM it makes sense to go in for 8.30 every day and get all marking/reports/head of subject stuff done while in school rather than have it eat into the evenings with The Toddler Who Doesn't Sleep! ... isn't this a usual situation for secondary PT teachers?
My school is FAB if you're a pupil, but pretty rubbish if you're staff :(

Full time nursery is fine

All kids are different

she will get used to whatever you decide is for the best

If it helps my ds was extremely clingy went to a cm 2 days a week when he was 11 months and family one day and at first he was a bit unsure but now (21 months) he LOVES going and crys when we leave. He is still clingy at home aswell.

I'm just amazed at the crappy timetable you've got. In the past I have worked pt and got paid 60% of salary for three full days a week. I would not have accepted an arrangement over four days, as the childcare cost versus time off would not have worked for me.

iggi what subject are you? I was told I could only be guaranteed one day off a fortnight with 60%!

A Humanities subject. We don't have a two week timetable though. It was never an issue - I was timetabled for availability, rather than other way round. They did have a request regarding which days I was in, but that was easy to agree to.

I agree iggly. I'm on a 0.8 contract & work four days per week (also on 2 week timetable) Your timetable sucks

I am in Scotland though. Maybe they do things differently better up here!

I haven't read all of this. I think the childcare arrangements seem fine. You have asked to reduce your hours to 50% and you have been given a timetable with hours over four days and a day is peripatetic. This is not helpful and is not within the spirit of a flexible working request. You should have the right of appeal over the reduction in hours/flexible working arrangement. I would ask them to review the hours/timetabling to see if a better arrangement can be achieved. As an HR manager in education I don't htink your employers are being reasonable.

There is a huge benefit to keeping your hand in from the perspective of keeping up to date, pensions, potential future redundancy and unbroken service, maternity pay for the next baby.

I would review the working arrangements and even if you have to reduce down to 0.4 or 0.3 do so - it will keep your options open later.

I'm sorry your dd is so demanding - some are just made like this but they grow up and grow out of it and when that happens you will need your "life" back too.

When I first went back to teaching I did a 0.533 timetable which worked out as two full days plus one more up til lunchtime (slightly longer morning than afternoon) It does sound like you've got rather a duff deal. Then again, did you say you're an HOD? That's pretty unusual for a part-timer IME so I suppose you weren't in a position to argue about days??

Eviltwins I was a HOD. They just need to get someone in to job-share - easier for both if you've got full days.
Marriedinwhite is making good points, maybe the OP would feel better about going back to work if it was genuinely for only a couple of days a week.

Yes I would feel better if it was only 2 or 3 days a week. Which was what I was hoping for and told them so - but being the helpful mug that I am said I'd do up to 50% but would prefer less.

I don't think I can change my hours now this academic year can I? I thought my only options are to continue, or hand in notice in October for the New year?

I'm not a HOD - just have responsibilty for one of the sciences :)

OP my DD2 is completely mummy mad and a cling on even now at just turned two. DD1 was the total opposite despite being PFB with total attention at all times so not sure how it's my fault but there you go. It's wearing at times but having had a DC who didn't seem to need me that much I kind of like it.

DD2 goes to nursery 2.5 days and GPs 1 day per week and she is totally fine without me. I went back to work when she was 8 months old. Out of sight out of mind maybe? I get the most fabulous hugs and kisses and pick up time though.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you.