Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need some perspective before I compose an e-mail!

69 replies

sweetheart · 31/08/2012 09:56

I am cross about a christmas family situation that has arisen (yes one of those threads!!!!) and I need some perspective to see if dh and I are being reasonible or not.

First a bit of background.........
Dh does not have much of a relationship with his father. They live close enough but we all have busy lives and blokes being rubbish blokes they just never make any plans to see each other. fil is remarried and smil has children / grandchildren of her own who they see quite often dispite the fact they live further away. This can be a sorce of tension with dh although he's never told his father. The only time we see the in laws is birthdays and christamas and its usually a flying 10 min visit.

So, back to the here and now...........
Aparently fil and smil want to have a big family meal for xmas. My sil got an e-mail last week asking them to save the date last week and immediatly responded that the date they had picked is our ds's birthday. We did not get an e-mail (apparently they don't have our e-mail address)

So this week we got a phone call from smil saying that fil should have been in touch (but hasn't as per usual) and she informed us of the plan - no appology made for it being on ds's birthday just an explination that it's THE ONLY day EVERYONE can do. By EVERYONE I'm guessing she means either her children, dh's grandparents or dh's other siblings who we have virtually no contact with.

The reason's I am annoyed by this are:-

they have clearly consulted other people about this and taken into account dates they cannot do whereas we have just been told.

there are several family birthdays in december as well as ds's which no doubt they will have avoided

some of the other grandchildren are involved in a pantomime which takes up most of december with rehearsals and performance and I'm guessing these have also been taken into consideration

ds will want to play with friends and birthday presents on his birthday, not sit in a restaurant with a bunch of people he hardly knows or rarely sees.

Dh and I are annoyed that our plans have not been considered in this arrangement and that we are being expected to fall in line. I know that when we refuse to go we will be casted as the trouble makers.

So thoughts please because at the moment I am too full of anger to type a well thought out e-mail in reply. i can't phone as I think it's important we make our true feelings known (we have been keeping quiet for long enough) and I don't trust myself to do it reasonibly during a phone call!

OP posts:
ExitStencilist · 31/08/2012 09:58

Don't make a fuss about it, just email "Sorry, can't make that date, its DS's birthday and we will have other plans for that. Let us know if you want an alternate date, if not, enjoy your meal!"

LaurieFairyCake · 31/08/2012 09:59

No we are not available that day, it is not a date WE can do. Hope you have fun.

jkklpu · 31/08/2012 09:59

If it doesn't work for you, just say that, no, sorry, it's a birthday and you already have plans. If you don't see these people much, don't lose sleep about it. Don't waste your energy being angry.

LaurieFairyCake · 31/08/2012 10:00

Who cares if they cast you as 'troublemakers' - you only see them twice a year.

DawnOfTheDee · 31/08/2012 10:02

What ExitStencilist said.

Nancy66 · 31/08/2012 10:02

I agree with Exit - send a very brief email saying that you will be celebrating your son's birthday instead. Make sure you say that you hope everyone has a lovely day. (they won't hear the sarcasm dripping from your voice - but it will make you feel better and confuse them)

dreamingofsun · 31/08/2012 10:02

sorry can't make it. thanks for inviting us. we could come any other weekend in december though if there's any chance of rescheduling.

Arabellasmella · 31/08/2012 10:02

It depends if your husband wants to be closer to his family. It would be worse if they hadn't invited you. They have tried (I know not very well). Don't make a big hoo ha out of it as it won't help. It's up to you. Either a sorry we can't it's our sons birthday party, or yes we'd love to.

Original poster
sweetheart · 31/08/2012 10:04

I'm just thinking that we have tip toed around them enough and this has made both myself and dh very angry and it's about time we came out and said something about their utterly thoughtlessness!

OP posts:
Bellyjaby · 31/08/2012 10:04

What exit says!

dreamingofsun · 31/08/2012 10:06

don't see how that will benefit the situation, unless you totally want to alienate them. better for you to act nicely

helenthemadex · 31/08/2012 10:07

I would probably send a polite email saying thank you but that date is not good for us as it is ds birthday and he will want to spend it with his friends and family. I really wouldn't go into all the history

Alligatorpie · 31/08/2012 10:08

That is very strange. Would you normally invite them or sil's family to ds birthday party?

I would email back saying it is ds's birthday ( as they should know - being grandparents!) and it's not convenient.

I would be pissed too!

ExitStencilist · 31/08/2012 10:08

how will an angry email help anything?

DontmindifIdo · 31/08/2012 10:09

E-mail FIL (forwarding e-mail he sent SIL if you can), CCing SIL:

"Dear FIL,

SIL forwarded this email to us as apparently you don't have our e-mail address (here it is for future reference!). Unfortunately, as that date is DS's X birthday, we aren't available.

We could do A, B, C or Dth December/January. SIL, can you let me & FIL know which of the above dates work for you? If you can't find a date that works for everyone, do let me know if you and SMIL would like to come over/go out for lunch on one of those dates.

Kind regards,

Sweetheart"

You point out they have forgotten their own DGS's birthday without saying it, you aren't the one being difficult and refusing to see them over Christmas.

Ideally, before they can reply anything else, SIL will have said which works for her too.

Original poster
sweetheart · 31/08/2012 10:11

yes alligator - my ds is very close to his cousins and they would absolutly be involved in his birthday celebrations which again leaves us with a dilema because when we refuse to go it will put them in a difficult position too.

I would hazard a guess that there is a possability that my fil and smil had forgotten it was their grandson's birthday that day! If they did remember you would have thought a polite phone call explaining their plans and consulting us first would have gone down a bit better than e-mailing everyone last week to save the date before letting us know!

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetheart · 31/08/2012 10:13

Not an angry email - just an email pointing out that we have been upset by plans and an explanation why - perhaps it would make them think twice about doing this in future.

OP posts:
Maryz · 31/08/2012 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sweetheart · 31/08/2012 10:15

oh and dh is now so cross with them he says he now won't go to ANY dinner (not that I think for 1 minute they will change the date)

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 31/08/2012 10:15

Can see how this is desperately frustrating for you and especially your DH, as FIL is being a useless muppet and you are, for whatever reason, being treated as second-class family members in this.

However, there is nothing to be gained in putting any of that in an email. You can only control what you do, and in the circumstances you describe I would be sending a polite decline along the lines of Oh dear, the date doesn't work for us, as it's DS's birthday and we have other plans. Hope you have a lovely day.

If you do have other dates you can do, I'd say so.

If you're feeling particularly passive-aggressive, you could say that you didn't get the email consulting about dates Wink.

Original poster
sweetheart · 31/08/2012 10:16

Maryz, my ds is a very shy little boy and being surrpounded by people he doesn't know will not be a nice day for him or us

OP posts:
ZacharyQuack · 31/08/2012 10:23

Can you politely request in the email that they reschedule so that DS's cousins can come to his birthday party?

Bartusmaeus · 31/08/2012 10:31

What times are they proposing for the restaurant?

Maybe go along for the main course but leave with DS and his cousins before the pudding so DS can have a party in the afternoon? (with lots of cake etc.)

I would be pissed off too but I don't know if a rude reply would do much. Maybe just propose a different option but put SIL in copy so she can see that her children are invited to DS' birthday party.

Bartusmaeus · 31/08/2012 10:31

Of course, that only works if you live close to the restaurant and it's not hours away by car....

imonthefone · 31/08/2012 10:34

hold your ds birthday celebrations on another day, so that cousins can be involved

But dont go on the meal-do something for ds, just you and dh and ds...

from what you have written, it doesnt sound as if you do pussy foot round them...it sounds like you are both to blame for lack of effort/contact

maybe they didnt consult you, because they dont really care if you are there or not?....or you are the least 'important' to them; which is hurtful, but maybe to be expected if you just live up the road but never see them?

Swipe left for the next trending thread