I need some perspective before I compose an e-mail!

[sweetheart]

I am cross about a christmas family situation that has arisen (yes one of those threads!!!!) and I need some perspective to see if dh and I are being reasonible or not.

First a bit of background.........
Dh does not have much of a relationship with his father. They live close enough but we all have busy lives and blokes being rubbish blokes they just never make any plans to see each other. fil is remarried and smil has children / grandchildren of her own who they see quite often dispite the fact they live further away. This can be a sorce of tension with dh although he's never told his father. The only time we see the in laws is birthdays and christamas and its usually a flying 10 min visit.

So, back to the here and now...........
Aparently fil and smil want to have a big family meal for xmas. My sil got an e-mail last week asking them to save the date last week and immediatly responded that the date they had picked is our ds's birthday. We did not get an e-mail (apparently they don't have our e-mail address)

So this week we got a phone call from smil saying that fil should have been in touch (but hasn't as per usual) and she informed us of the plan - no appology made for it being on ds's birthday just an explination that it's THE ONLY day EVERYONE can do. By EVERYONE I'm guessing she means either her children, dh's grandparents or dh's other siblings who we have virtually no contact with.

The reason's I am annoyed by this are:-

they have clearly consulted other people about this and taken into account dates they cannot do whereas we have just been told.

there are several family birthdays in december as well as ds's which no doubt they will have avoided

some of the other grandchildren are involved in a pantomime which takes up most of december with rehearsals and performance and I'm guessing these have also been taken into consideration

ds will want to play with friends and birthday presents on his birthday, not sit in a restaurant with a bunch of people he hardly knows or rarely sees.

Dh and I are annoyed that our plans have not been considered in this arrangement and that we are being expected to fall in line. I know that when we refuse to go we will be casted as the trouble makers.

So thoughts please because at the moment I am too full of anger to type a well thought out e-mail in reply. i can't phone as I think it's important we make our true feelings known (we have been keeping quiet for long enough) and I don't trust myself to do it reasonibly during a phone call!

And we also tend to do parties on the closest weekend to birthdays with either a family meal or takeaway on the actualy day (if it's in the week) as dh and I both work full time. However as this year it falls on a weekend we were planning to celebrate on his actual birthday.

I guess the SMIL operates on the premise, "your side of the family, you deal with it." That is what happens when a DH is crap at dealing with the social side of things and then the wife has to follow up much later when she hasn't heard anything...people get hurt.

I don't understand when she called, why didn't you just say at the time that the date doesn't work because it was your DS's birthday and if they could change for the following day or the Friday night? And, if the date is firmed up, then you will not be attending? Why do an email when she called?

You had a heads up about this prior to the phone call.

Because I'm not good at confruntation and often end up getting talked into things I don't want to do!

I can understand why you are so annoyed about this. Just send an email declining, along the lines of what Exit suggested and then enjoy planning your DS's birthday.

I understand you must feel hurt about the general way you feel your fil and smil treat your family and the lack of consultation, but I think to many people, especially of that generation, small children's birthdays are not seen as that big a deal as in they may think the child can move his party etc.

We had a similar clash in my family this year on my dd's birthday, which fell on a Saturday for once, so I was similarly irritated that we couldn't have her party on that day without ignoring the parallel celebration for something else.
However, we just has a 'special' morning with her, and then asked if it was ok for us to bring a cake to the other thing so dd got a bit of fuss from extended family, then had the party the following weekend.

If your smil said your fil should have been in touch, but he and your dh are uncommunicative with one another, why not just ask her to contact you directly with a rolled-eye 'MEN'! sort of tone - might make sure she can't ignore you in future

Can't you go, get the restaurant/pub to bring out a giant birthday cake and celebrate your son's birthday with everyone, the do the party on the other day of the weekend?

It sounds like your SIL and her kids know your DS well so organise for him to sit with his cousins and enjoy their company at the big do.

If DS is between 5 and 10 then surely if the meal was built up as being as 'extra bonus' birthday thing, where his cousins will be in attendance, he could accept that and have a great time? even more so if his celebration is acknowledged at the get together? It's not like you've got a stroppy teen who doesn't ever want to be seen dead with any blood relatives!!

for a 5-10 y.o I think YAB a bit U

I think your DH should also make a bit more effort with his dad. OK maybe your DH will have to do the legwork but at least that way the focus isn't so heavily on SMIL family. Is there something that they would both enjoy doing together golf / rambling/ drinking/watching sport etc. Even better if its something that DS could sometimes join in too (note - not the drinking)

I would go, make a big fuss over your DS's birthday at the party (cake, party bags for the children), and use it as a springboard to improve relations between your family and your FIL. Leave with a date for another meet up.

TheFallenMadonna is right! You're not a child who deserves to rail at every perceived unfairness, and nor is your dh. Just be the bigger person - your ds doesn't have to suffer unduly because of this - email the smil and say that as it is your ds's bday and you're postponing his party, would it be ok to bring his bday cake with you and then just leave it at that. And have a better communication set-up for the future, as your dh and fil don't sound as if they're great at communicating....

dh has made a number of attemps to arrange activities with his father in previous years. He has been fobbed off of fil has been too busy. They have a very active social life. Dh has now given up trying to foster any kind of relationship through frustration.

As I have already said dh and I have already decided we won't be attending.

OK. So not quite how you put it in your OP. I don't know. I'm a big believer in keeping the peace with family (abuse excepted of course).

If you're adamant you're not going, then I would just phone and tell them that unfortuantely you already have plans for that day, and invite them over for your own smaller Christmas celebration on another day. And invite your SIL and her family as well. Giving up is a bit sad for your DH and your children.

I think people can be a bit precious about birthdays these days.

I like Chazs idea of pretending that she's organised it for your ds' birthday though. I add to the email that you'll be bringing 12 of his friends, too.

Seriously, I would go to the meal. It would give your ds to meet all his other relatives whom you barely know. He might wind up with a lifelong best friend.

Then you can have his party the next day.

You said you wanted some perspective though-so although you said you wouldn't be going it seemed worth adding alternative compromises to consider. As an outsider, your stance seems a little bit harsh and possibly also a bit churlish on your part, especially when a compromise might work quite nicely. And as you've said it would also be a shame for cousins to miss out on the birthday fun if you held your dc's party on the same day.

In your shoes I'd rise above the politics (including feeling snubbed) and attend- that would make you the bigger person. But then I'm with fallen madonna, keeping the peace with the family is important to me.... and this included spending my 30th b'day at my inlaw's (very boring!!) at home buffet do for their ruby wedding anniversary without so much as a whisper of complaint to them or even a mention of my birthday at their do!! (and the realisation that we're likely to have the same clash every 10 years- ARGH!!)... so it's not like I haven't been there!!

If you don't want to go then don't- better to stay away than attend and look glum cos you don't want to be there. There's not a lot of point in asking for perspective when you've made you mind up about what to do though!

The perspective was more about how to reply to the in laws and if we should go into the full reasons why we won't be there

I do agree that family is very important an we are incredible close to most of them and would go to the ends f the earth for them but there has to be a limit and quite frankly we have reached that with fil and smil

I understand that you are upset, but you are not going to make them feel guilty about it. They would have changed the date before phoning you after speaking to SIL if they were feeling bad. You cannot change their behaviour but you can control your reaction to it. The only hope for you is to politely refuse as it's your DS's b'day and leave it at that. You are not going to make them realise how hurt you are by adding anything at all to the message. It will be very easy for them to dismiss you as being over dramatic if you say anything else.

imonthephone I don't agree with you either.

it's all very hippy dippy to say people can only make you feel shit if you let them, why don't you look at the stately homes threads to see how systematic targeting and drip drip of ill treatment can affect people.

The point is OP feels they consulted everyone else and didn't consult them and that this kind of thing happens a lot with them. That's not nice.

I don't believe in engaging in games either.

The only thing to do is detach from people who conduct themselves like this. It is utterly futile.

I dont want to say you are BU, however i do think you are being less accomodating than you could If you want to have a closer realtionship and build bridges.

i personaly think you should go i would if i were you. I would attempt to take it as an oppertunity to build bridges.

If you and your Dh really dont want to use it attempt to establish a beter realtionship then just dont go. But I would not email, I think your Dh should have a face to face frank discussion with his dad and let him know his stance.