I need some perspective before I compose an e-mail!

[sweetheart]

I am cross about a christmas family situation that has arisen (yes one of those threads!!!!) and I need some perspective to see if dh and I are being reasonible or not.

First a bit of background.........
Dh does not have much of a relationship with his father. They live close enough but we all have busy lives and blokes being rubbish blokes they just never make any plans to see each other. fil is remarried and smil has children / grandchildren of her own who they see quite often dispite the fact they live further away. This can be a sorce of tension with dh although he's never told his father. The only time we see the in laws is birthdays and christamas and its usually a flying 10 min visit.

So, back to the here and now...........
Aparently fil and smil want to have a big family meal for xmas. My sil got an e-mail last week asking them to save the date last week and immediatly responded that the date they had picked is our ds's birthday. We did not get an e-mail (apparently they don't have our e-mail address)

So this week we got a phone call from smil saying that fil should have been in touch (but hasn't as per usual) and she informed us of the plan - no appology made for it being on ds's birthday just an explination that it's THE ONLY day EVERYONE can do. By EVERYONE I'm guessing she means either her children, dh's grandparents or dh's other siblings who we have virtually no contact with.

The reason's I am annoyed by this are:-

they have clearly consulted other people about this and taken into account dates they cannot do whereas we have just been told.

there are several family birthdays in december as well as ds's which no doubt they will have avoided

some of the other grandchildren are involved in a pantomime which takes up most of december with rehearsals and performance and I'm guessing these have also been taken into consideration

ds will want to play with friends and birthday presents on his birthday, not sit in a restaurant with a bunch of people he hardly knows or rarely sees.

Dh and I are annoyed that our plans have not been considered in this arrangement and that we are being expected to fall in line. I know that when we refuse to go we will be casted as the trouble makers.

So thoughts please because at the moment I am too full of anger to type a well thought out e-mail in reply. i can't phone as I think it's important we make our true feelings known (we have been keeping quiet for long enough) and I don't trust myself to do it reasonibly during a phone call!

We won't be going at all if it is on ds's birthday - dh and I have already decided that. Dh says he will not go at all now if it is moved but that's probably anger talking.

I've already spoken to sil and they haven't said yes yet. They know they would be 100% welcome to any or all of ds's birthday as we are very close to them.

Right. Your in laws there, could be mine. It all reads as being very familiar to me.

This is my advice - just calmly and politely decline. It's your son's birthday so no thank you.

Don't bother telling them that they have offended you with their lack of consideration. They won't see it like that. They will view it as trouble making. Even if you're super nice about it, which let's face it will be impossible, because you're angry about it.

The set up with my in laws is that fil pretty much hides behind smil's skirts. She is a very outspoken, clever and arrogant woman, so she calls the shots...therefore her own dc and gc obviously command preference. Fil is too gutless and selfish to bother speaking up for his own, so we are bottom of the consideration heap in all matters family related.
I think it's a shame for our children, and I used to get angry about it, but I can't and won't force them to care more or whatever. I generally find smil exhausting and overbearing company, and tend to come away from a get-together feeling like I've been put through the ringer.

You say you're expected to fit in with whatever they say. Well, here's the rub - you don't have to. You can say 'No can do - sorry about that' whenever you like. We do....I just let dh handle talking to either of them, and avoid where possible. I am charm personified if I see them though, and in my head give as much a flying fuck about them as they give about us. Couldn't give a toss.

Try it.

that's the perspective I needed fone. Perhaps they arranged it on this date on purpose knowing that dh and I wouldn't go!

You see I am a bit of a awkward sod so I would email back

" Oh wow! you've organised a party for DS's birthday. He'll be delighted, that's so thoughtful of you. Shall we bring the birthday cake or are you doing that. If you are (which would be lovely of you) he's really into trains / Ben10/ Spiderman at the moment."

And then sit back and watch .

maybe...didnt SIL tell them it was your ds birthday?

Do you want to go?

chazs - perhaps he could bring along some of his friends too, after all there's lots of adult helpers to aid with supervision, visits to toilet etc.

hmmmmm see I think it's actually reasonable to pick a date that most people can make - it's a Birthday - he will still get presents and can play with his friends/have a party the day before or after?

They want to see all their grandchildren - choosing another date may mean they on see your DS - I think you are over reacting and seeing slights that aren't intended.

But you don't have to go - just email back and say 'sorry we will be unable to attend, have a lovely time x'

How old is your DS going to be?

oh yes gordy good points...i think with better/more/some communication their intentions/lack of intention would be clear

OP why did you not approach them when your SIL said she had the email off them and they didnt have your email address? why didnt SIL forward you email so you could respond? It sounds a little like you invited this clash, so you could 'have it out'?

I think you need to be open and honest if you are upset with them about their lack of involvemnent in general?

just thinking out loud based on my own MIL. Is it possible they made an awkward date hoping you wouldn't come but also hoping to monopolise other family members who would have attended your son's birthday?

It's the sort of pushing out tactic my MIL would employ.

I still think the best thing to do is politely decline and carry on with your own plans. They won't change, they won't care more, they won't be sorry etc etc

It's the sanest option in the long run.

when sil told me abuot the e-mail and her response i didn't do anything because

1. I was angry
2. Sil had already replied pointing out it was ds's birthday
3. I thought that perhaps they hadn't contacted us because they were trying to re-jig the dates

When mil called she had no idea I was already aware and from the conversation we had it's clear they have no intention of moving the date.

I understand your point gordy about choosing the date that most people can make (heck I've organised enough things to know how frustrating it is trying to coordinate multiple diarys) however they never even contacted us to ask what dates we could or couldn't make and they absolutly must have known that the date they have picked would be one we would have ruled out if they had of consulted us in the first place. This is exactly as fone said about their lack of communication with us and the way they have gone about it.

i don't think what age ds will be has anything to do with it and I don't really want to give out more information so i will just say he is between 5 and 10.

I don't think OP has invented a clash but the build up of being treated as a last thought can be grinding.

If you are consistently presented with a fait accompli when you know everyone else has been consulted you might understand where she is coming from.

They obviously have history/form so this isn't an oversight in communication. It's more that OP feels they've done this with continued disregard for OP and her family.

I really don't get why having a big family get together and your DS celebrating his birthday are mutually exclusive, unless you have already booked stuff for it. I don't refuse invitations just because it is one of the DC's birthdays that would be odd to me.

Go to the meal, if you and your DH feel second class family maybe you should get your DH to make a bit more effort with his DF encourage them to communicate. Does SiL feel the same, pushed away?

And, personally, I would prioritise pantomime practice/performance over birthday in termsa of turning things down.

I think a phone call might be in order tbh

Things can get very lost in translation/misinterpreted over email.
I would call, explain that it clashes with his birthday and that all his cousins will be invited to his party which will put them in a very difficult position.

I would actually take offence at the 'It was the only date everybody could do'
Clearly 'everybody' couldn't make it- because your family can't!

Keep the email polite, short and sweet - something along the lines of what exitstencil said - no elaboration, no commentary about hurt feelings or being unworthy.

I suspect too that they knew damn well it was your DS's birthday and that, if consulted, you would have said No to that date anyway but they went ahead anyway - so there's no point you pointing that out to them, no point either in letting them know that they've got to you.

Take the high ground and just say you can't do it - BUT also pick another day for your DS's family party, so that you don't create a Situation where relatives have to choose where to go - that will only backfire spectacularly and may upset DS.

brass i dont disagree. I just think there was probably an element of 'hmm...lets wait and see if MiL is going to consult us....' which is a period where OP might have got more and more annoyed about the lack of contact regarding the meal.....Im not saying OP is to blame but I think in acknowledging what these people are like, accepting it....OP could save herself alot of angst by engaging directly. If she had, at the time, fired of a quick email, reminding them that day was ds birthday and they couldnt make the dinner if it was held on that day.....it would be a different situation now

OP is almost being painted into a role by MiL, and a game is being played isnt it....Op needs to take control

I don't think OP has invented a clash but the build up of being treated as a last thought can be grinding

'people can only make you feel shit if you let them' (or whatever the saying is....)

Could it just be that they didn't consider that being DS's birthday would rule you out, and that they thought it might be quite nice for you all get together on his birthday? I've been to other people's birthday parties, weddings, etc on my birthday before, even as a child, and it wouldn't occur to me that being someone's birthday makes the day a total write-off. A birthday is still a day and things can still happen on it - and often those things only make the birthday element more exciting and special!

Obviously it's up to you (and your DS) whether you want to go, but I don't think it's automatically a given that you definitely wouldn't want to go because it's his birthday.

Xnedra, birthdays are important to us, they are the one time each year when the attention should be solely focused on one person. I never plan anything on days when it is someone else's birthday because it is "their day". This is especially the case with family birthdays near to Chrismtas (of which we have several) because quite often a persons birthday can get written off and swept up in Christmas stuff which is unfair on that person just because their birthday happens to fall in December.

I simply can't see how something like a rehearsal (which someone has chosen to participate in) can be more important than a childs birthday or which they have no control over!

It's not especially that I wouldn't / couldn't do anything else on a childs birthday (more that I'd prefer not to if at all possible) - but this is already a tense family situation added to the fact that we don't actually know smil's children / grandchildren.

it's also more about the fact that it's good for EVERYONE even though we were never consulted (and neither was sil)

We're like Xnedra in our family. Birthday parties don't have to take place on the actual birthday. My son had his party the day before this year because i was at work on his birthday. It just couldn;t be helped. I'd also prioritise rehersals. I think that if you want to be closer to his family then you need to go with the flow and embrace the do. But you don't have to. But a big argy bargy isn't going to do anything to help

I can understand why you're upset. But I think if it was me and I hadn't actually got something planned and invited people to your ds's party I would take the opportunity to turn it into a massive party for him as someone said up thread.

So you take a cake etc and remind everyone to bring presents

If I'd already booked or planned something then no I wouldn't go

Sweetheart, while I'm totally sympathetic with your situation, I have to take issue with this:
"I simply can't see how something like a rehearsal (which someone has chosen to participate in) can be more important than a childs birthday or which they have no control over!"

There have been threads on here about children missing one rehearsal and losing their part because of it. Some schools seem to be utterly draconian over these things, so if the child wants to hold onto their part (quite understandably), then they couldn't risk missing a rehearsal. So in that respect, it is just as important to them as your DS's birthday is to him and you.

Just to be clear - I am not saying that other children should be forced to miss a rehearsal to attend the meal. What I am saying is that if their rehearsal time has been taken into consideration I think we should have been extended the same curtesy.