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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is wrong?

78 replies

gremlindolphin · 30/08/2012 22:41

We had a group of my dds (11) friends round for a sleep over at the weekend.

One the children woke up in the night and dd came and got me. I comforted the child and moved her into another room with a bed (rather than a blow up mattress) as she thought that would be more comfortable.

I was woken by dd in the morning asking where her friend was - she was not where I had left her.

After a bit of a panic I found a note in the kitchen - the child had rung her Mum about 7.30 and she came and took her home without waking anyone!

Is this odd or considerate?! I was shocked although I would have been quite surprised if the Mum had suddenly appeared in our room but think that she should have told the child to come into me or told my dd?

Even if I had agreed to pick my child up I would feel very odd sneaking around someones house while they were asleep and think I would have got the chlld to tell someone.

What do you think?!

OP posts:
lovebunny · 31/08/2012 10:32

how and why can people get in and out of your house at night/early morning, without you knowing? that's something you might need to think about for the future!

i think the mother was probably being considerate in not waking you.

it's something i've never had to think about before, but perhaps sleepovers should have ground rules (eg no opening the door, even if you think its your mum, that's something for an adult to do).

SoupDragon · 31/08/2012 10:34

And if they do the same when they go off to uni do you just let them quit and come home?

They will actually be adults then. Are you seriously unable to see the difference?

pinkdelight · 31/08/2012 10:38

Totally agree, iknowwho. Margery is being well OTT, all this adult life nonsense and wanting both to toughen her up and protect her from hypothetical bullying. She's still a kid, not a uni student. She was poorly. She wanted to go home. She went home without bothering anyone and she left a note to explain. Nothing to berate or bully her for.

pinkdelight · 31/08/2012 10:40

"And if they do the same when they go off to uni do you just let them quit and come home?"

Actually this did happen to a friend of mine at uni, they did quit and come home and it was the right thing to do then as well! They are fine now, did another course closer to home and are now married with kids and their own home. What is this terror that if you look after your distressed child at 11 or even at 18 they might never leave you?

dottyspotty2 · 31/08/2012 10:42

Could be worse molly coddling SIL picked her DD up from a sleepover aged 14 after an hour cause she missed her [stupid cow]

vvviola · 31/08/2012 10:45

Margery, I used to get homesick if I stayed literally across the road. Called my parents to come get me from friends houses on a number of occasions. Until I was about 16 I would invent excuses not to stay overnight with friends. I just didn't like it.

By 20 I was living in a totally different country to my parents, by 30 I'd lived in 3 and quite literally travelled all over the world. Having my Mum come and collect me because I wanted to go home hasn't made me any less independent & she certainly is no "mummy martyr".

Incidentally, I still prefer to sleep at home, in my own bed rather than randomly stay out. I'm a very grown up 33 year old.

Ephiny · 31/08/2012 10:48

It doesn't sound unreasonable to me. They left a note, and you have no reason to think the mum was 'sneaking about your house'.

It was 7.30 anyway, hardly the middle of the night, the mum was probably expecting you to be up!

frasersmummy · 31/08/2012 10:59

lol at expecting you to be up at 7.30..

I take brownies and guides away for a weekend .. I can imagine the fall out their would be if we found a brownie or a guide missing the next morning.. even with a note it would make headline news

Girl aged 9 or girl aged 11 picked up from brownie pack holiday/ guide camp ill whilst guiders slept on unaware ... the papers would have a field day

At that age the girl should know to wake someone and tell them there is an issue .. all our brownies and guides know this ..and they range from age 7 to age 15 they know exactly what room or tent the guiders are in and they should come wake us if there is an issue

Panzee · 31/08/2012 11:01

I think that was ok. Obviously you had a bit of a panic, but she did leave a note.
All's well that ends well.

TeapotsInJune · 31/08/2012 11:02

Initially when I read this I also found it odd but having thought some more I imagine it's one of those situations the mother felt she couldn't 'get right' - different people are (obviously!) different, I know I don't care about being woken up but others do and unless you know someone well it's hard to gauge their reaction.

When DD gets older I hope she'll know I'll always come and get her if needed although sometimes I may moan about it but I do think in this instance I might have tried to say "wait half an hour" - its hard to say.

I don't think you were BU though but neither was the mother x

valiumredhead · 31/08/2012 11:04

And if they do the same when they go off to uni do you just let them quit and come home?

They'll be adults then not 11. I'm glad you're not my mum!

sadnanny · 31/08/2012 11:05

My first thought when the mum said tummy ache was maybe the girl had started her period. in that case I would have gone to collect that early etc

iknowwho · 31/08/2012 11:10

I don't get the comparison with the Brownies. It doesn't have any relevance on the op It is completely different.

Another over the top post.

Margerykemp · 31/08/2012 11:22

Fwiw my friend and her mum were like this. 'friends' of her still tease her 20 years on about her being 'the wuss who called her mum to pick her up from sleepovers'.

Children learn gradually from experience as they grow up. They don't magically learn how to be independent at 18.

I'd personally expect a greater level of independence from an 11yo than the girl in this thread.

Some parents don't want their DCs to ever be independent of them but that is another story...

Nanny0gg · 31/08/2012 11:33

I agree with more. If the child frequently feels unwell then the OP should have been forewarned.

And whilst I am really impressed that the OP was still able to be asleep at 7.30 (considerate children!), I think I would have told my DD to wake her up before leaving.

pinkdelight · 31/08/2012 11:35

Well either it's an affectionate tease that your friend is okay with or the 'friends' are nutters to still be genuinely teasing a 30+ year old about such a thing. If it's the latter case, then it doesn't seem like great evidence that enjoying/enduring sleepovers = maturity!

frasersmummy · 31/08/2012 11:35

its not over the top .. its exactly the same situation. young girls all sleeping together and adult in charge asleep in a different room

the girl in question should have alerted the adult in charge to the situation and at 11 she is more than capable of doing so or waking her friend and asking her to do it...its just common sense
If a brownie at 7 can manage to grasp this then an 11 year old certainly can.. you dont just sneak out its worrying and rude.. even if you leave a note its still worrying that someone can turn up, take a child away and and the adult in charge knows nothing

Margerykemp · 31/08/2012 12:02

Yes what if there had been a fire and the parent in charge had gone back into a burning building thinking there was a child in there?

Very reckless behaviour- a note is not enough.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 31/08/2012 12:07

YANBU. In this situation I would want to be woken up so that a) I wasn't needlessly panicking over a missing child for whose care I had assumed responsibility, and b) in the case of emergency - fire etc. - I knew exactly who was in my house.

I'm sure they were embarrassed and not sure what to do but they made the wrong call. No need for further action or anything though!

SoupDragon · 31/08/2012 13:15

I would rather hope that the parent in charge would have searched the house before leaving in the event of a fire, rather than leaving a bunch of 11 year olds to make their own way out. Unless they live in a mansion it's not difficult to ascertain the child isn't there..

SoupDragon · 31/08/2012 13:17

Some parents don't want their DCs to ever be independent of them but that is another story...

Not me. However, if my child really wanted to come home I would fetch them. Because I am not mean. This child did not feel well.

But some parents don't care about their child's wellbeing Wink

mrswoz · 31/08/2012 13:31

sadnanny I was thinking maybe period too.

The other mum may yet call you/drop you a note to explain what happened, was this last weekend and you haven't heard from the family since? Confused

Margerykemp · 31/08/2012 14:29

a 'tummy ache' is hardly some awful disease!

If it was a period issue though, esp a first one then I would change my mind about this.

I can just imagine the other girls gossiping about her now though and thinking the things we are.

Some parents realise that their child's psychological wellbeing is often more important than the physical.

shockers · 31/08/2012 14:51

Maybe she had diarrhoea and was embarrassed.

iknowwho · 31/08/2012 15:56

Very reckless behaviour- a note is not enough. Reckless!!! Dear God!!!

Perhaps I ought to get more uptight. It's happenend twice to me in nearly 11 years of sleepovers where someone has gone home.

There have also been times that by the time I have got up at 9.00am a child has already left at 8.30am to go home. No big deal at all.

All this fire malaky? What are the chances? Wouldn't you say. 'Where's Kate?' and, as everyone points out they are 11 so more than capable to commuicat,. someone would say 'she's gone home'

All in all I think mum was good not to wake up parents and leave a note

As for teasing 20 years or whatever later. FFS!!
I think the teasing says more about the mates tbh.

One of DS's 12 year old mates doesn't like water or the cold so he misses out on swimming parties and beach trips - No one takes the piss
Another one isn't keen on the dark- again they just shrug and say 'Matt likes to have the light on when he sleeps over'
No bullying.