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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to change Christmas plans. Don't want to fall out with family

68 replies

dontwantthisrownow · 30/08/2012 08:39

Namechanged.

I'm feeling so torn, but think I'm not being unreasonable but would like your thoughts.

I've always spent Christmas Day with my family, then when I met DH we now spend the morning with his family and the afternoon (including lunch) with mine.

It has now been suggested that we spend this Christmas Day in a pub near my sibling so our family and inlaws (not mine) can spend the day together.

This is an issue now as the tickets sell out really fast.

My DH has gone mad. And I'm not keen either.

The morning would be spent with his family as per usual but he feels that now we have DC it's now more important than ever to spend it as a family in a house 'not a pub full of strangers'.

He's more than happy to go to my parents for lunch but has flatly refused to consider the pub.

(Don't get me wrong, we both love going to the pub usually and don't mind DC being in pubs ... just not on Christmas Day)

To be honest I would rather go to my parents house as DC can nap/play/run around and then go to bed when we drink more wine and play daft games!

He's said that if my family want to go to the pub he will cook dinner for just us and DC. Which after many many busy family Christmas Days would make me feel really down :(

Am I being unreasonable to say to my parents and sibling that I want the same Christmas as always and not have to lug around a cranky child to his family, my family and then a pub?

If my request is ok'd then I'm guessing my sibling would spend time with us and then go to the pub with inlaws - which is fine!

I know my Mum thinks the pub is a great idea as she gets a break, and my sibling the pub and they don't have kids, but I'm more on my DH's side as I'd love a cozy day at my parents.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

stoatie · 30/08/2012 11:12

We used to spend Christmas between our parents (yay a lovely 100 mile M1 journey on Christmas Day) until eldest was about 3 and got very grumpy being uprooted midday when she wanted just to play. So from that point on we had started our own Family day. Initially we lived near inlaws so they used to pop in for breakfast etc and see children, we now live near my parents so again they call in mid morning but then go to my sisters for lunch (always have as it also my nephew's birthday). We then have a lovely lunch and then the children (now 20, 16 and soon-to-be 9) chill out, watch DVDs play board games etc whilst we (me , OH and eldest DD) consume the odd tipple or two. It is lovely and so much less hassle as the children can do what they want. This year may be a tad different as I work for NHS and up to now have never been rostered to work Christmas so it must be my turn this year .

There is a lot to be said for creating your own traditions etc

diddl · 30/08/2012 11:14

Just wondering-does your sibling usually see you & your parents on CD?

And they are trying to see own parents & their ILs this year?

Why don´t you ever have Christmas Day/lunch with your ILs?

MrsCampbellBlack · 30/08/2012 11:15

I suspect although your mum would like to see her grandchildren - the desire not to host christmas yet again is more important to her. This may be it forever now - I know both my mother and mil feel that they've done their bit of hosting christmas and its now down to the next generation.

Also its nice for the children to be at home with their toys.

I'd just see your family at some other point over the christmas period.

akaemmafrost · 30/08/2012 11:18

I wouldn't want this either so would just have Christmas at home.

Not sure why anyone should be "going mad" about it though .

Myliferocks · 30/08/2012 11:22

This is why we have always spent christmas at home with just us and our children.

girlywhirly · 30/08/2012 14:06

Just a thought, could you and parents go out for lunch the week end before Christmas, so that there is just a small group to manage, you could have a quick one or two course meal (at a carvery possibly) which might suit the DC better as there is less hanging around, then they could come back to yours for tea perhaps. This will be a lot cheaper than a Christmas meal on Christmas Day. Or have a roast chicken lunch at your home, like a mini Christmas lunch so that you all have the fun of it, and your parents can then enjoy themselves at the pub do on Christmas day. You can see the IL's on another day.

I think that seeing relatives on days around Christmas Day is less pressurised for everyone, they aren't all trying to create the perfect day and are more relaxed.

JoshLyman · 30/08/2012 14:31

I'm not clear why the pub is 22 people but if your mum hosts, it's 9. If you host, why isn't it 9? And you don't have to invite your ILs just because you're hosting your family. Nothing to do with it.

squoosh · 30/08/2012 14:36

YANBU to not want to spend Christmas Da in the pub. I'd hate it (and I'm a big fan of pubs).

However YABVU to expect everything to revolve around you. If your family want to spend their Christmas there, it's their choice.

Cook your own dinner at home.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 30/08/2012 14:39

Just decline the pub invite and have dinner on your own or at the in laws. I don't know why it would make you sad to have your dc to yourself on Christmas Day, it will be as wonderful or as sad as you make it.

You can't tell your Mum that you want the same Christmas you always have, that would put unfair pressure on her and it would be very selfish of you to do that. All you can do is say yes or no to the pub suggestion.

KitCat26 · 30/08/2012 15:01

Decline the pub. Invite or get invited to the in-laws for a change. Or just have Christmas at home.

Fwiw we alternate. One year we have Christmas at home with MIL and BIL. The next year we go to my mums. Then we see the oposite side on Boxing day. I am insanely contemplating having all my lot and all his lot over in a couple years so we wont have to remove the DDs from their presents...

ecuse · 30/08/2012 16:26

Can you not reverse the tradition? Spend the morning with your parents so they get to see their grandkids, then lunch and afternoon with PILs? That way you get a big family Christmas (I feel a bit weird without masses of family around too), your parents can see their GCs on Christmas Day, and then go off to the pub with your DSis and her ILs.

GoldWithADragonTattoo · 30/08/2012 16:36

Just say that you don't want to take the kids to the pub so are going to have a quiet one at home. If your parents then go off the pub idea if you're not there I think it's up to them to square thing with your sibling and decide what they want to do. I don't really think this is your problem. You've been invited to the pub, it doesn't suit you so you've declined. Fair enough IMO.

Adversecamber · 30/08/2012 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snuffaluffagus · 30/08/2012 17:06

I would hate this too... where have the 22 people come from? Do you mean you'll have to have dinner with 13 of your sibling's inlaws? Doesn't sound the funnest thing to me!

I would discuss it with your mum and say- you can host for the usual 9 to give her a break, but you'd rather not go to the pub so if that goes ahead you'll be heading to your husband's parents for lunch/the afternoon and maybe you can pop over in the morning to your parents before they head to the pub. Your Mum might not like that idea and change her mind.

PetWoman · 30/08/2012 19:49

I totally understand why you'd feel a Christmas without wider family wouldn't be as much fun - I love a big family Christmas.

I think a good suggestion upthread was to reverse the tradition: can you go to your parents in the morning and your ILs for lunch?

YANBU to feel this way, but YABU to think you can keep things the same. Christmases change as people get older and have families of their own. I hope you find a solution that feels good for everyone.

DontmindifIdo · 30/08/2012 19:57

Well, if it was me, I'd say thanks but no thanks this year to the pub option. Then invite PIL for the morning and meal at yours (you don't have to be the one to travel! It's marvellous to spend the day without having to put shoes on), and invite your parents and siblings to join you after they've been out for lunch, and you'll do a buffet tea with Christmas cake. (this is easier to accomodate extras in a smaller house for a buffet than a sit down meal)

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 30/08/2012 20:17

you mum wants a break, siblings with no kids who also maybe feel under pressure to incorporate the inlaws this year...can see why the pub appeals. Fun, childfree event for them.

Do you have the sort of family whereby even if you attempt to bow out gracefully knickers will be in a twist: "Oooh, she says she can't come."

Resulting in a grim to and fro where no one ends up doing what they want...

-projecting much, moi?-

Think getting yourselves invited to your DH's path of least resistance.

no, you can't ask everyone else to do it your way. cooking for 30 people in a normal kitchen - just no. We had Thanksgiving one year where everyone brought a dish - ended up disgusting.

StuntGirl · 30/08/2012 20:36

YABU.

Your husband is BVU.

Your mum deserves a break from the stress of hosting, and it sounds like you and your husband need to strike out on your own and create your own Christmas traditions. You're not kids yourselves anymore!

Whatever you tell your mum don't try and guilt her into cancelling current plans. The language you've put upthread sounds very much like it would guilt her into doing the normal Christmas. Let her have a year off!

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