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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to change Christmas plans. Don't want to fall out with family

68 replies

dontwantthisrownow · 30/08/2012 08:39

Namechanged.

I'm feeling so torn, but think I'm not being unreasonable but would like your thoughts.

I've always spent Christmas Day with my family, then when I met DH we now spend the morning with his family and the afternoon (including lunch) with mine.

It has now been suggested that we spend this Christmas Day in a pub near my sibling so our family and inlaws (not mine) can spend the day together.

This is an issue now as the tickets sell out really fast.

My DH has gone mad. And I'm not keen either.

The morning would be spent with his family as per usual but he feels that now we have DC it's now more important than ever to spend it as a family in a house 'not a pub full of strangers'.

He's more than happy to go to my parents for lunch but has flatly refused to consider the pub.

(Don't get me wrong, we both love going to the pub usually and don't mind DC being in pubs ... just not on Christmas Day)

To be honest I would rather go to my parents house as DC can nap/play/run around and then go to bed when we drink more wine and play daft games!

He's said that if my family want to go to the pub he will cook dinner for just us and DC. Which after many many busy family Christmas Days would make me feel really down :(

Am I being unreasonable to say to my parents and sibling that I want the same Christmas as always and not have to lug around a cranky child to his family, my family and then a pub?

If my request is ok'd then I'm guessing my sibling would spend time with us and then go to the pub with inlaws - which is fine!

I know my Mum thinks the pub is a great idea as she gets a break, and my sibling the pub and they don't have kids, but I'm more on my DH's side as I'd love a cozy day at my parents.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

schoolchauffeur · 30/08/2012 09:09

Definitely with you on not wanting to do the pub on Christmas Day although can understand why your mum might want a break from hosting Christmas Day or to have a change of how the day goes.

I think you need to start to establish your own family traditions. We spent up until our kids were 7 and 5 alternating between our two families, always negotiating between who was going to have Boxing Day/Christmas Day or the Christmas period or New Year period. Easy when we lived quite near them all but now we are 500 miles away and the driving/planes/trains was too much and too expensive.

My DM (based on years of terrible Christmas Days when we were younger when she ended up cooking for her MIL, MIL sisters, my uncle etc in the smallest house in the family) suggested that we had Christmas in our own home, just the four of us, and so we did for the first time when DCs were 8 and 6. First time it was a bit quiet to start with, but we started up some traditions of our own, visited the rest of the family in early December or January and we now do this every other year. Close the doors and have our own family Christmas. DCs are now teens and so they have started to add in their own traditions and ideas- DD makes a special cake and decorates for Christmas Eve, DS does pancakes for Boxing Day breakfast.

This year everyone is coming to us- it will be chaos but we are looking forward to it because we know that next year it will be the four of us again and this year it is a nice change to have family.

So my point is- strike out as your own family unit and do your own thing. Maybe start your own tradition- you do a Boxing Day lunch buffet or the others come round for Christmas Day evening light buffet and drinks?

Pastabee · 30/08/2012 09:11

YANBU for not wanting to go to the pub but as others have said I wouldn't expect plans to be altered.

I personally would stay at home with the DCs and invite ILs to lunch / go to their house and see my family Boxing Day.

lecce · 30/08/2012 09:16

YANBU for not wanting to go to a pub on Christmas day with your dc, but YABVU to expect exeryone to keep things as they always have been because it suits you. And I was at hearing of your dh going mad - I can understand you are disappointed that things are changing but anger seems an odd reaction.

It's time to accept that things have changed and you have your own family now - I do find it a little odd that you don't like the idea of spending the day just with your dh and dc. However, if you are used to big family get-togethers, why not invite his family over and see yours on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day?

I'd see this as the chance to make some changes and start making some traditions of your own.

fluffyraggies · 30/08/2012 09:22

Totally agree with tigger.

Start your own family christmas day traditions now. In your house, for your DCs. Otherwise their christmas memories will all revolve around being in someone else's house, a pub, or traveling.

Before our DCs came along we shuffled between houses to see both sets of parents. Once we were parents ourselves we started building christmas day at home. Loved it Loved having the kids in their jim-jams half the day. Loved having the house smell wonderful and foody. Looked forward to who ever was coming that year to arrive. And loved not having to traipse round elsewhere!

diddl · 30/08/2012 09:36

I love Christmas with just the 4 of us.

SundaeGirl · 30/08/2012 09:40

YABU and you and your DH are being OTT about anger/namechange. Why would you have a row with anyone?

Don't make anyone feel guilty, or suggest to your DM or sister that they should change plans? Don't even hint it. It wouldn't be fair. Your sister has organised something that would suit them all, fair enough why shouldn't she? Don't take the edge off it for them. Just say that you'd have loved to but you don't reckon the DC could be trusted to behave in the highchair for as long as it could take to serve the food.

I agree with everyone else that you might enjoy doing your own Christmas. Invite your in laws or whatever.

DisabilEightiesChick · 30/08/2012 09:47

Yep, say you think it'll be easier to do your own lunch and you'll come and see them later - perhaps pop into the pub for an hour only, or see them on Boxing Day. Or they could call in at yours on the way home?

Agree with making your own traditions - there are lots of threads in the Christmas section here about that, with ideas you can steal be inspired by. As has been said, you can't tell them what to do but you can decide whether it works for you or not, and make your own plans accordingly.

kate2boysandabump · 30/08/2012 09:54

yanbu to not want to spend Christmas Day in the pub, not my idea if fun with kids either.

However, YABVU to expect everyone to fall in with you and your family.

Have you and your DH ever cooked Christmas dinner for 9 people as your mum has being doing? It's hard work, stressful and it costs a fortune!! Think about what your Mum's reasons are for not wanting to cook Christmas dinner for the 30th year in a row.

When I was little my Christmas was spent at home and my mum cooked. Now I'm the one with the children I'm the one that cooks, I can't imagine anything worse for my ds's than being dragged away from their toys on Christmas Day.

If you don't want to go out stay home and cook yourself, then you might realise why your mum wants a break.

Maybe invite your in-laws as you've never had Christmas dinner with them.

Jodidi · 30/08/2012 09:58

We started doing our own Christmas as soon as we moved in together when dd1 was 7. Before that dd1 and I had always spent xmas day at my parents and dp had spent it with his (dd1 doesn't see her father so at least we never had him to factor in as well). Our first Christmas together felt very quiet to me as I had been used to about 12 of us at my parents, but it felt busy and noisy to dp as he had been used to it being just him, his mum and his step-dad. We go to one set of parents on Christmas eve now (generally his, as his mum doesn't mind the kids taking the presents home to open) and the other set on Boxing day (usually mine as they love seeing the reactions as the kids see what presents they've got). It's really nice and it really does save on any rows about what is happening on Christmas day as both families think it's fair.

My sister's ex-inlaws always go to the pub on Christmas day and my sis always hated it. Some of the kids were given ALL of their presents in the pub so there wasn't a mess to be tidied up at home, but then they weren't allowed to play with them til they got home (by which time it was usually bedtime). The adults seemed to enjoy it but the kids seemed to have a bit of a miserable time.

girlywhirly · 30/08/2012 09:59

It is time to embrace the knowledge that you can never please everyone all the time at Christmas. This applies to you as well, the family want to do something different this year and you and DH want things to stay the same as always. Hats off to both your families wanting to do something together though.

In your position I would probably refuse the pub and make arrangements to see the families on other days where possible. The world won't end because you didn't all see each other on Christmas Day itself.

I am also of the opinion that eating out for Christmas lunch is seriously overpriced and not as enjoyable as your own home-cooked meal fine tuned to your own liking. Fortunately my DH is in total agreement.

juneau · 30/08/2012 10:00

YANBU to not want to go to the pub, but YABU to expect everyone else to conform to what you want. You get what you want every year. This is one year when people want to do something different, so either you join them with good grace and festive cheer, or you do your own thing. Your DM is already looking forward to having a Christmas off and I don't blame her. Your DH is right.

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2012 10:02

Two choices - Christmas lunch at your house, or - can't you go to DH's parents for lunch or invite them to yours?

juneau · 30/08/2012 10:03

Sorry - hit 'send' before I was finished - meant to say your DH is right about you having dinner at your house.

CockyPants · 30/08/2012 10:11

I am with DH on this one. When you sprig, Xmas becomes all about your kids. It's part of the fun. And what's wrong with a 'quiet' Xmas day?
Xmas in a pub = a bit tacky and Chav...let the flames pour on me....
Let DH cook. He sounds naice.

CockyPants · 30/08/2012 10:11

Sprig? SPROG!

Inertia · 30/08/2012 10:12

YANBU to want to avoid pub Christmas - that doesn't work for children.

Yabu to expect everyone's plans to fit around yours.

Why not do Christmas for the 4 of you ( and in laws maybe) at yours ? Then visit your family Boxing Day.

Original poster

dontwantthisrownow · 30/08/2012 10:16

Have taken all your comments on board and in total agreement my mum deserves a year off.

I just know that if I say I understand and things change etc ... that when they realise they won't be spending lunch with their only GC ... they will say they won't go to the pub as they'd rather be with us than sibling and sibling's inlaws.

Now how do I sort that one out?

Do I tell them they must go to the pub?

In a way I wish my DH would have been up for the pub as it would have solved everything, but I don't want to spend my day telling DC off so as not to interupt other diners meals (it cost ALOT!)

Or do me and DH just offer to cook at my parents? although she is a perfectionist and will not let us do everything!

OP posts:

SundaeGirl · 30/08/2012 10:20

Ask your DH to get you invited to your in-laws.

CockyPants · 30/08/2012 10:25

Yes excellent idea, sundae, cos that will be good response when DM and DF start to whine about it. You just say, sorry we've decided to do something different too. How about boxing day instead?

Ephiny · 30/08/2012 10:25

I'm not seeing the problem. You don't want to go to the pub, and neither does your DH. He's happy to cook dinner at home. So you should do that IMO.

Your parents/family do want to go to the pub. So they should do that.

You can meet up with extended familiy later in the day, or the next day, if you/they want to. No need for anyone to have a row or feel upset . What am I missing?

CockyPants · 30/08/2012 10:28

Oooh Ephiny, if only life was that simple...
Xmas
Weddings
In laws vs your own parents
Children
New year
Faaaaamily = hassle and rows. Comes with the territory.

eurochick · 30/08/2012 10:30

Just stay at home and have your own Xmas your way. See your wider family on Boxing Day.

DuelingFanjo · 30/08/2012 10:32

yabu, why not just have a small christmas with DH and the kids at home then pop in to visit your extended family?
You shouldn't get arsey just because you want christmas to stay the same as it has always been.

ENormaSnob · 30/08/2012 10:52

Yabu

I wouldn't go to the pub either though. I would make alternate arrangements and leave the pub goers to their plans.

I certainly wouldn't expect everyone to fall in line with me and my plans.

Born2bemild · 30/08/2012 10:53

I totally understand not wanting Christmas just the four of you. I'd hate that. All you can do is say the pub isn't giing to be possible, and let them do what they want. Why not invite IL's and your parents to yours for the morning, then go your separate ways.

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