Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to change Christmas plans. Don't want to fall out with family

68 replies

dontwantthisrownow · 30/08/2012 08:39

Namechanged.

I'm feeling so torn, but think I'm not being unreasonable but would like your thoughts.

I've always spent Christmas Day with my family, then when I met DH we now spend the morning with his family and the afternoon (including lunch) with mine.

It has now been suggested that we spend this Christmas Day in a pub near my sibling so our family and inlaws (not mine) can spend the day together.

This is an issue now as the tickets sell out really fast.

My DH has gone mad. And I'm not keen either.

The morning would be spent with his family as per usual but he feels that now we have DC it's now more important than ever to spend it as a family in a house 'not a pub full of strangers'.

He's more than happy to go to my parents for lunch but has flatly refused to consider the pub.

(Don't get me wrong, we both love going to the pub usually and don't mind DC being in pubs ... just not on Christmas Day)

To be honest I would rather go to my parents house as DC can nap/play/run around and then go to bed when we drink more wine and play daft games!

He's said that if my family want to go to the pub he will cook dinner for just us and DC. Which after many many busy family Christmas Days would make me feel really down :(

Am I being unreasonable to say to my parents and sibling that I want the same Christmas as always and not have to lug around a cranky child to his family, my family and then a pub?

If my request is ok'd then I'm guessing my sibling would spend time with us and then go to the pub with inlaws - which is fine!

I know my Mum thinks the pub is a great idea as she gets a break, and my sibling the pub and they don't have kids, but I'm more on my DH's side as I'd love a cozy day at my parents.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
glenthebattleostrich · 30/08/2012 08:43

YABU.

Your DM deserves a Christmas off, if you want a busy day not in the pub can you not host?

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 30/08/2012 08:45

Could you not compromise, have lunch in the pub with all the family then take DS back to your parents?

As mush as I loathe cooking at Christmas, I'm not spending the price of a small cruise on inflated prices for a glorified roast dinner.

cansu · 30/08/2012 08:47

I think you can't expect your family to fall in with what suits you.

mynewpassion · 30/08/2012 08:49

And on the flipside, they can't expect you to want to spend Christmas at a pub either.

You either compromise or just skip out this year.

Softlysoftly · 30/08/2012 08:49

We went to the pub on e as a family and that was a lovely pub in a rural location, pre DCs and it was fucking awful! Felt like a glorified Subday soulless and not special totally agree with your DH I would rather do lunch as a family unit at home.

Agree with PP though if your mum wants a break she should get one, we alternate houses between mum and my sisters each year so noone has to do it every year which is a big ask energy and financially wise.

I would ask your mum to yours or offer to cook and prepare at hers but she's off duty or everyone bring one dish.

EasilyBored · 30/08/2012 08:50

Why don't you host Christmas at yours instead? That way your mum gets a break, but you get the big family Christmas?

My parents and inlaws have done Christmas lunch in a pub/restaurant together, while I was giving birth last year (planned long before DS decided to make his appearance), and they said it was a lovely atmosphere, but it was almost all adults and older people, probably not much fun for children.

tryingtonotfeckup · 30/08/2012 08:50

YABU I'd hate to be in a pub at Christmas, overpriced and not relaxing, especially when you have kids. I much prefer to eat at home but I don't mind doing the cooking, it doesn't have to be a huge effort. Maybe have it at yours / your mums but everyone mucks in and prepares the food, tidies up etc. And I mean everyone.

Don't build it up into a problem, I'm sure if you had a chat with your mum you could work something out, it may not be what you are used to but Christmas' evolve over time as families change. Thats not always a bad thing.

WhispersOfWickedness · 30/08/2012 08:52

Yanbu, I wouldn't want to spend Christmas day in a pub with a small child either. Is your mum wanting to go to the pub so she doesn't have to cook for everyone? I suppose that's a bit tricky as you won't be able to help much if you are at your ILs in the morning.
I think in your situation, I would just say to DM that it sounds like a lovely idea but you think dc would get bored/fed up in a pub do you will stay home and maybe come and see them on boxing day instead.

wordfactory · 30/08/2012 08:52

YABU. You canot expect your Mum to host every year because it suits you.

tryingtonotfeckup · 30/08/2012 08:53

I cannot understand wanting to take kids to a pub lunch at Christmas, they don't care and just want to play with their presents. Before anyone says that chidlren should behave in restaurants, yes they should, its just at Christmas I don't want the hassle if they don't.

TigerStripe · 30/08/2012 08:55

I think yabu. If that's what your parents want to do (esp your mother who does most of the work by the sound of it), then that's what they should do.

Times change. People's needs are not solidly set in place for the rest of time. You are now an adult with your own family and you need to do what's right for you, your DH and your DC. I wouldn't fancy doing a pub Christmas with young DC. To your parents, it's probably very appealing!

GoldWithADragonTattoo · 30/08/2012 08:56

YABU - If your parents' plan of going to the pub doesn't suit you then you're welcome to your own thing but you can't make them feel guilty for their choice. It's hard work hosting Christmas which you don't realise until you start organising it yourself. So I understand perfectly your mum wanting a break from doing it every year.

It seems to me that you can either have a small family Christmas just you, DH and DC's or you can go to PIL's for full day (assuming they are up for this) and see your parent's Xmas Eve / Boxing Day. Or could you go to your parents' Xmas morning and then go to PIL's for lunch and afternoon?

diddl · 30/08/2012 08:57

Your husband has gone mad??!!

WTAF is that about?

If you don´t want to go to the pub-don´t!

Stay at home, cook your own Christmas lunch & ask everyone back when they´ve finished.

Or host Christmas if you want to spend it with everyone.

diddl · 30/08/2012 08:58

Or invite your husbands parents for lunch fir a change.

Gumby · 30/08/2012 08:58

I don't know why Xmas on your own with dh and dcs would make you feel down
Sounds lovely to me

Original poster
dontwantthisrownow · 30/08/2012 08:59

Thanks for all your replies.

Problem is that the pub would be for 22 people and our tiny house won't hold that many. And if we did attempt it we'd then have to ask DH's family which would make it 30 people.

We would of course help my Mum with the lunch.

If we go to my parents it will be for 9 people as it has been for years.

I know I'm sounding stuck in my ways but I guess I just want the same Christmas we've always had and for our DC to be able to enjoy the day too and not have to be stuck in a highchair and told off if running around.

I just wish this suggestion had not raised it's head as I feel awful about it and it's only bloody August!

Plus all the families live a way apart so if we compromise and split up the day we'll be driving or getting taxi's all over the place.

Sigh :(

OP posts:
pjmama · 30/08/2012 09:00

YABU - your mum wants a break, I don't blame her. If u want a family Christmas, take your turn and offer to host it.

Original poster
dontwantthisrownow · 30/08/2012 09:02

P.S I totally understand my Mum wanting a break and will discuss with her

OP posts:
steben · 30/08/2012 09:02

YABU - your mum is entitled to a break and you cant expect people to fit in with you every year. That sounds a bit harsh but I don't mean it to as I would noy want to lug small DC to a pub either. I would offer to host this year and let people make their own minds up about where they want to go.

pjmama · 30/08/2012 09:03

X-post! If you don't want to go to the pub, then don't. Could u have it with your DH family instead?

TiggerWearsATriteSmile · 30/08/2012 09:04

Stay at home in your own house
Start your own traditions and make it a family day. YOUR OWN family.

A pub is no place for children on Christmas day.
I wouldn't get upset about it, things change and you can't expect your mother to host just because that's always the way things were.
Move on, make your own dinner and get over it.

WipsGlitter · 30/08/2012 09:05

Yabu. It's great to have Christmas traditions, but it's good to mix it up for a bit. His parents in the morning, do your own lunch at home, meet up with your family later - either quick drink at pub or back at your mums house.

Easy for me to say, am already dreading my mum coming here again this year...

tryingtonotfeckup · 30/08/2012 09:06

How about an extended Christmas, see your family on Christmas Eve, everyone brings a dish and no one gets landed with all the cooking, its fun and relaxed. You see DH family on Christmas morning, maybe stay the whole day if going nowhere else or go home and have a Christmas with just your family. Children get run around and have fun.

mummakaz · 30/08/2012 09:07

yanbu for not wanting to go to the pub (I wouldn't) but if they want to go to the pub it's down to them. I would just have xmas day at home tbh and perhaps see them boxing day?

MrsCampbellBlack · 30/08/2012 09:08

Yes yabu but the pub thing wouldn't work for me either.

However now I've been doing Christmas for the last few years I totally get your mother wanting a break - its hard work and expensive.

Could you not spend the day with your DH's family and then spend next years at your mums? But I think you're going to have to accept that your mother doesn't wish to do christmas all the time if ever especially as the family gets bigger.