To be fed up with my DH not participating in family life or chores?

[Veryfrustratedandfedup]

I am fed up with it. DH works full time, I work not quite full time but almost full time, from home as a freelancer. DH will only do DIY, other than that he just sits at the laptop or watching sport all the time that he is home. Sometimes I think he looks for DIY jobs to do that don't really need doing just to get him out of childcare and housework.

He eats his dinner, plonks his plate on the worktop, sometimes doesn't even scrape the food off. He won't put any washing away. He won't do any cleaning as he doesn't like doing it. He won't bath our two young DCs. He literally has his tea each night, then goes and sits watching TV and sits there and sits there. He won't do any of the necessary jobs each night, which consequently means I am often washing lunchboxes or ironing clothes at 10pm ready for the next day. The house is a tip and he doesn't care. He'll happily have a shower in a filthy shower, or sit at a table full of crumbs. If he's left to put the DCs to bed (I have on occasion just not done this and done other jobs) they are still running around at 10pm whilst he watched tv.

The other thing is his lack of participation in family life at weekends. All other families I know do things like food shopping at weekends, walks, family outings. DH won't even take the DCs to the local park for an hour so that I can catch up on work or change all the bedding. He gets up, goes to the loo for half an hour with the ipad, ambles downstairs and gets himself breakfast, then his day of either sitting about or doing DIY begins. I'd like us to do things as a family, even if it is just going to Asda and doing a shop.

He also won't put any input at all into family meals. On a weekend he'll whizz off to the shop and get himself a pack of sandwiches rather than making any as then he would have to get the DCs some lunch. It's all just left to me all the bloody time.

And the final thing is lack of interaction with the DCs. He literally won't do anything with them and never seems to enjoy their company. He won't do a jigsaw with them, or watch a film with them. Nothing.

I'm so fed up I feel like leaving

Get out now.
Not just for you, but for your children too.

I like the idea of leaving for a few days to stay with a friend, that is a possibility as I have a friend who lives a couple of hours away and always says I can stay.

You won't be leaving your children with this @rse, surely?

Because unless they can reach cupboards, they'll starve.

Just to say: I had a dad like this, totally & I actually remember 'missing' him as a child. I had lots of problems as a teenager & we had zero relationship for years, right up until I had kids & my dad admitted he'd got his priorities wrong when I was a kid & regretted not being there for me. He is now a very hands on Grandad but basically threw 30 years away. My point is that your DH's behaviour can be very damaging for kids, at least it was for me. Perhaps your DH might change if he realises he is actually causing harm; it's not just 'benign neglect'.

Who is marrying these chumps?

You don't usually marry these chumps. Nobody marries lazy, entitled chumps who want to live the single life but with the benefit of a housekeeper who shares their bed and rears their children.

Instead, this behaviour almost always creeps up on you over the years. A degree of indolence (often fine before having children) turns into bone idleness except when hobbies are concerned. If you didn't have children before you married then you've no idea that, as time goes on, they'll opt out of fatherhood too.

But there does come a point when even the most tolerant partner rebels and for you, I think that time is now, OP. I strongly advise making a list of pros and cons and accompany that with expectations/reality of change.

Get this from Amazon and insist he reads it - The Sixty Minute Father by Rob Parsons. It will help him reflect on his behavior with kids.

Then write a list of everything you do each day (even small jobs) including the hours you work while child is at nursery. Then ask him to choose which jobs he will take off you each day and make him draw up his own daily rota. Tell him he has 5 days to pull up his sock or he will have to leave the house. Tell him you are seriously unhappy and if he loves you, he needs to put things right. Personally I would insist on him cleaning etc and also being with the kids till 8pm when you can then BOTH sit down together with a glass of wine. I would insist on one family day at the weekend when you can go for walks etc. I would insist that he has only half a day a week for DIY. You are either a partnership and a team or nothing at all and he can bugger off.

Another way is to add up all the free time he has each week sitting around watching TV and then add up all the free time you have to sit around or follow a hobbie. Tot up the difference - he should meet you half way.

I really wouldn't stay with someone like this

I agree that presently he is living a single life

Did he want to get married/ have DCs?

Did he think married life would be like this?

How was he pre-DCs?

I think you do need to stop cooking cleaning/laundering for him.

Live your life as a single mum cos it looks like that's where you're heading.

Also are you sure his 'friend' isn't another women?

holyfishnets has it right imo.

There is no point leaving him for a few days with the kids. He will get angry if they pester too much and interrupt his TV so they will be quiet. He will feed them takeaways every night and you will come back to a bomb site (he will claim he was too busy watching DCs to tidy up).

But you need to have a serious chat with him. Apart from the DCs he is missing out greatly.

But also think you need to find ways of reducing housework - am old bat now with grown up DCs and do buggar all round the house (as I don't care much what people think) and looking back feel I should have lowered my standards alot when DCs were small. I spent too much time hoovering etc when I should have been doing nice stuff. Can you afford a cleaner? That would be a start.

You could also threaten him with tell him you want him to come to counselling as you are very unhappy at present, that might make him move himself a bit. And don't get embroiled with your DPs or in-laws if they won't support you, just ignore them as they are behaving naievely sp?

So let me get this straight...

You both work
You have young children
He likes DIY and watching sport
He doesn't help round the house
He doesn't do Dad stuff

Balancing work & young children can stress even the most devoted couples so you are not alone in that.

It does sound as though you are assuming responsibility for all and that he has retreated. These are both coping mechanisms but ultimately they will drive you apart.

You need to be on the same side.

You say you are working almost FT yet only have childcare 9hrs a week and try to do the rest at night? That really doesn't sound workable. Is there any way at all you can access more childcare?

Evenings are important. A happy evening is the glue that keeps a family together. Childcare and cleaners may seem like extravagant extras but they are cheaper than divorce.

If you have childcare you can work during the day.
If you have a cleaner, you have your evenings for your family.
This then leaves you clear to tackle your relationship problems.

With regard to him switching off from family life, that would be a deal-breaker for me. Only he can change this but you do need to be very clear with him about your expectations of his role as a parent and how unhappy you are with the status quo.

In all honesty I think it's time for you both to try some relationship counselling as he sounds very set in his ways and unlikely to make change on his own accord.

Sorry for what you're going through, it sounds miserable.

Parenting doesn't have to be this hard.

This is exactly like my ex husband (separated January.) He completely opted out of family life, spent hours and hours on the laptop, made excuses to do DIY rather than family stuff, ignored the children. On weekends and bank holidays I would take the children out alone. I am still so angry and resentful towards him about it. Look, he is not going to change is he? I am so much happier on my own. What are you getting out of this?

My dad was like this. He seemed to loathe family life.
When he died not one of his five kids even went to his funeral.

I can't think why you are still with him- there is nothing whatever in it for either you or the DCs - he is treating it like a hotel and you as housekeeper and the DCs as unnecessary appendages.
Sit him down have the serious discussion and if he doesn't want to change tell him that it is pointless continuing.