To be fed up with my DH not participating in family life or chores?

[Veryfrustratedandfedup]

I am fed up with it. DH works full time, I work not quite full time but almost full time, from home as a freelancer. DH will only do DIY, other than that he just sits at the laptop or watching sport all the time that he is home. Sometimes I think he looks for DIY jobs to do that don't really need doing just to get him out of childcare and housework.

He eats his dinner, plonks his plate on the worktop, sometimes doesn't even scrape the food off. He won't put any washing away. He won't do any cleaning as he doesn't like doing it. He won't bath our two young DCs. He literally has his tea each night, then goes and sits watching TV and sits there and sits there. He won't do any of the necessary jobs each night, which consequently means I am often washing lunchboxes or ironing clothes at 10pm ready for the next day. The house is a tip and he doesn't care. He'll happily have a shower in a filthy shower, or sit at a table full of crumbs. If he's left to put the DCs to bed (I have on occasion just not done this and done other jobs) they are still running around at 10pm whilst he watched tv.

The other thing is his lack of participation in family life at weekends. All other families I know do things like food shopping at weekends, walks, family outings. DH won't even take the DCs to the local park for an hour so that I can catch up on work or change all the bedding. He gets up, goes to the loo for half an hour with the ipad, ambles downstairs and gets himself breakfast, then his day of either sitting about or doing DIY begins. I'd like us to do things as a family, even if it is just going to Asda and doing a shop.

He also won't put any input at all into family meals. On a weekend he'll whizz off to the shop and get himself a pack of sandwiches rather than making any as then he would have to get the DCs some lunch. It's all just left to me all the bloody time.

And the final thing is lack of interaction with the DCs. He literally won't do anything with them and never seems to enjoy their company. He won't do a jigsaw with them, or watch a film with them. Nothing.

I'm so fed up I feel like leaving

What annoys me too is that I really could do with the evenings to get more work done, as it is hard to get it done in the day. Ideally I would like to have tea, clear the kitchen together, and then DH bath and put the DCs to bed, which would give me a clear couple of hours to work uninterrupted, before it gets too late. But he won't do it. He goes and sits in the chair and that's that.

5madthings, it's infuriating isn't it.

I like the idea of leaving for a few days to stay with a friend, that is a possibility as I have a friend who lives a couple of hours away and always says I can stay.

solid - yes great sex life. I don't find it grim. He travels a lot abroad for work in the week, so not around that much to annoy me. Also I am very fulfilled with work, social life etc. He did teach DD to swim, ski and ride a bike so he had contributed something, oh and also money he has contributed. If he did not bring as much to the household finances, as he does, I would probably be frustrated. We have only one mature DD also so not as hard as OP.

Sounds like he's treating you like a mother, not a wife.

A friend in a similar situation, although without dcs, told her husband "if you enjoy blow jobs from me, treat me like a wife not your mother" (or words to that effect). Some men (SOME!) don't realise just how bloody unattractive it is in a man who behaves like he's just married a younger version of his own mum, as well as being disrespectful and unequal. I live in a Catholic country, it happens a hell of a lot here!

Good luck and have a hug

Who is marrying these chumps?

Sounds like he lives in a hotel. Tell him his room is double booked and he'll have to find somewhere else.

very if you can go away then do it, i would be a bit worried about leaving the children but he needs to step up and learn to deal with them and if he doesnt have any choice he may do that? unless he goes crying to his parents/your parents and they take over the childcare?! are they close enough that they would do that? and it sounds like they will side with him which is not what you need, he would just use that as validation that nothing needs to change. :(

what solid said, look at your options, do some research and once you have all the info you need then lay it on the line wiht him, either he bucks up and maybe counselling would help? or that is it, seriously you dont need this, you are worth more than this, so much more.

HE DOES THE DIY!!????????

5madthings, I think he would probably go crying to my parents tbh. I'm not overly bothered about what they think though as they like any opportunity to stick the boot in with me.

nailak, yes he does. Which is great, but I feel there is more to life than DIY. When our DCs are older, they're not going to look back on their childhood and think how wonderful all the DIY work was...

I've got one like this, have posted in Relationships. Its exhausting isn't it?

My DH won't do much with the DCs unless its stuff he also enjoys. He would find jigsaws, painting etc mind numbing. Is there anything your DH likes doing that he could do with the DC? If he is into DIY is presumably good with his hands - so could be good at making models, painting etc with them

but if he goes crying to your parents, they will help out and he wont see the day to day stuff that needs doing, its just him relying on someone else again! and you dont need your parents sticking the boot in, even if you are used to it.

do your parents have any plans to go away? if you could coincide going away yourself with them being away so he doesnt have them to run to... he may just have to learn to get on with it.

and yes doing the diy is nice but ffs doing one thing like that does not mean you then get to opt out over everything bloody else!

You can pay someone to do the DIY, you can't pay someone to be a loving father.

That's really sad.

That's not a marriage.

In a marriage there should be a partnership with each person bringing something to the relationship. Your husband seems to bring nothing to your relationship. If he died/disappeared/went away for a long time would you miss him? What would your life lack?

I'm certainly not of the 'leave the bastard' brigade but honestly, how does your husband benefit your life? And just as importantly, the life of your children? In effect he is chronically neglecting them. He's leaving you to meet all of their needs.

I'm really cross now

He's just phoned me and is doing a favour for a friend tonight, ie some DIY at a friend's flat. So it means that yet again he wriggles out of clearing the kitchen/bathtime/bedtime/tidying for the next day. I have got some really tight deadlines for work too and wanted an evening to work.

I've told him I'm not happy but he said "But I promised".

He'd far rather piss me off than piss his friend off

I think that he has handed you a rope OP.

If you choose now to tell him like it is, he won't be able to claim it came out of nowhere, you have this latest incident as a major catalyst.

Steel yourself, OP. This is IT.

Piece of paper, two columns, pros, cons.

Do it and then show it to him.

I feel like going back in time and aplogising to my father- who I used to moan wasn't that engaged in family life! My dad hated 'kids' things but he would talk and talk to me about the most bizarre stuff- such as WWII bombers and interpretations of the Bible
The fact this man doesn't even TALK to his children in the evenings is heartbreaking.
And leaving his plate on the side! I don't care if he's building the palace of fking Versailles at the weekends, he can surely scrape a plate in the bin and wash it

Or he's down the pub.

When you talk to him, ask him how he would have felt as a child if his father had not given a crap about him. Ask him why, when he tells you what an involved dad he had, and how much they did together, does he not want to be that father to his own children. Ask him how his children are supposed to grow up feeling like their dad even gives a shit about them.

And that's before you even get on to the crappy way he's treating you!

I don't understand why you are with him.

He has no respect for you

i'm so sorry.

you've overlooked something. he has left you. if he's been like this throughout your relationship, he was never with you.

do as advised earlier. plan carefully, then either get him out, or leave with the children, whichever is better financially, long term. be hard-headed.

it's possible he has asperger's or some other condition which prevents him from relating - but that isn't your problem. you need a happy life, and so do your children.

get peace of mind. get rid.

If you split, he will have to parent his children, at least some of the time

He sounds like the shittest lodger ever.

Gnocchi I don't think there is any guarantee that if people do split that the parent who does not have custody takes an active part. This is sad but it does happen. And if a Dad doesn't engage much with his children when they are all in the same house I can't see a lot of hope for him wanting to take an active part if they're apart.. Of course I could be wrong. Nobody can tell how things will work out.

Has he always been so distant, even before you had kids?

It sounds like passive aggressive behaviour, as though he' punishing you all for something.

My h was like this. Exactly like this. He's now my xh and dd has a dad who does things with her