To be fed up with my DH not participating in family life or chores?

[Veryfrustratedandfedup]

I am fed up with it. DH works full time, I work not quite full time but almost full time, from home as a freelancer. DH will only do DIY, other than that he just sits at the laptop or watching sport all the time that he is home. Sometimes I think he looks for DIY jobs to do that don't really need doing just to get him out of childcare and housework.

He eats his dinner, plonks his plate on the worktop, sometimes doesn't even scrape the food off. He won't put any washing away. He won't do any cleaning as he doesn't like doing it. He won't bath our two young DCs. He literally has his tea each night, then goes and sits watching TV and sits there and sits there. He won't do any of the necessary jobs each night, which consequently means I am often washing lunchboxes or ironing clothes at 10pm ready for the next day. The house is a tip and he doesn't care. He'll happily have a shower in a filthy shower, or sit at a table full of crumbs. If he's left to put the DCs to bed (I have on occasion just not done this and done other jobs) they are still running around at 10pm whilst he watched tv.

The other thing is his lack of participation in family life at weekends. All other families I know do things like food shopping at weekends, walks, family outings. DH won't even take the DCs to the local park for an hour so that I can catch up on work or change all the bedding. He gets up, goes to the loo for half an hour with the ipad, ambles downstairs and gets himself breakfast, then his day of either sitting about or doing DIY begins. I'd like us to do things as a family, even if it is just going to Asda and doing a shop.

He also won't put any input at all into family meals. On a weekend he'll whizz off to the shop and get himself a pack of sandwiches rather than making any as then he would have to get the DCs some lunch. It's all just left to me all the bloody time.

And the final thing is lack of interaction with the DCs. He literally won't do anything with them and never seems to enjoy their company. He won't do a jigsaw with them, or watch a film with them. Nothing.

I'm so fed up I feel like leaving

Have you told him that his laziness is incredibly unattractive and that you feel you might have an easier life if he weren't around?

It sounds really miserable OP. Life doesn't have to be like that. You know that. Tell him straight how you'd like your life together to be, and if he doesn't take you seriously, you probably need to have a long think about how much happier you'd be without him, take a deep breath, and make it happen.

Good luck.

He genuinely doesn't think there's a problem.

He always says "The kids are okay" if I suggest that perhaps he could go and read DS a story, or go and help DD tidy her room. He thinks there "isn't that much to do" in the house, and basically thinks I make a drama about nothing when all that needs doing is a bit of a hoover once a week and loading the dishwasher. He says I should easily be able to juggle it all.

Last night I'd had quite a stressful day with the DCs as I'd been up since quite early as I had a deadline for my freelance work, and the DCs weren't on their best behaviour during the day. He got home from work, saw a fence panel that he thought needed fixing, spent an hour fixing it, without even speaking to the DCs first. Came in, ate tea, left his plate on the worktop, went out, played football, came home, had a shower and went to bed. He didn't even speak to the DCs in any of this time. They didn't even realise he was home from work until he came in to eat tea.

Actually I've made DP sound worse than he is. He regularly cooks our evening meal, cleans the bathroom, baths and puts DS to bed while I do DD (5mo), hoovers the house, fitted our kitchen, fitted our new bathroom (though why he thought doing this when DD was 2 weeks old, God only knows - actually I know precisely why), has created a beautiful garden. He just isn't too good at in-house child entertainment, has to be pushed to take DS out, never does the (sometimes very early) mornings. On balance, he does a lot more than he doesn't do iykwim, so I've decided to let him off a few things.

You say he isn't horrible to you. Sounds pretty horrible to me. Expects you to wait on him & kids, gives you no time. What's nice about that?

You need to sit down and talk to him. Leaving is a massive step and you really need a clearer picture of what is going on before you do anything as massive as that.

No one is perfect. My dh has loads of faults (and I am sure he would say I had) but over the years I have trained him. His Father was very hands off and viewed himself as the provider and never engaged with the children, the result, none of his children know what a good Father is.

Talk to him in an open way without throwing blame, as he may then get defensive and you won't get anywhere and see if you can move things forward in a positive direction.

Good luck

It sounds like he's shut down. That could be due to depression or lack of confidence but whatever the reason unless he sees there's a problem then there's really nothing you can do. Your options are to put up with it and continue to resent him or to leave and make a new life for yourself and your children. One of the (many) positives of leaving would be that he would be forced to engage with the children on the days he has them. At the moment they must feel terribly ignored by him.

larks, it's so frustrating when they look for DIY to get out of doing things isn't it? Like you say though it does sound as though your DP has redeeming features. My DH won't cook anything at all;he will occasionally nip to the shop and get himself a ready meal and heat that up but that's about it. To be fair, my DH has made our home nice, but sometimes I feel it's been at the detriment to anything or anyone else. Plus then he thinks because he's done some DIY he can then just sit around and watch sport, whereas I can't hoover, clean the kitchen and then sit around watching tv as there's no time and there is so much to do.

dysfunctionalme, yes that's a very good point. And I'm thinking at the moment his bad points are far outweighing his good points :(

sorry but what are his redeeming qualities?

i would suggest you need to lay it on the line that unless he bucks up his attitude then its the end of the line.

he isnt loving if he is a lazy fucker that thinks he can leave everything to you! they are HIS children as well and actually its shite that he doesnt show any interest in them :(

bizarrely i watched wifeswop last night and one of the men was your dh to a T!! anyway the woman he swopped with was not having it at all. and his wife who got to spen the time with a husband who helped out and played with the kids and basically pulled his weight and then some realised what a shit she had been living with. she laid it on the line and he had actually realised just how lazy he had been, they sorted it out. it was a nice wifeswop actually with a nice update and the coupel were so much happier!

so this IS fixable but only if your dh is prepared to change, would you think about some kind of couples counselling, perhaps having a third party input would help?

this sounds crap and i am guessing its a situation that has kind of crept up on you? yes some people are lazy, i would say my dp and i can both be lazyb ut as grown up with children we cant be! and my dp works full time, very long hours, whilst i am a sahm, and yet when he is at home he pitches in from the moment he walks in the door he is hands on with the kids, helping do dinner etc whatever needs doing.

at the moment your dh sounds like a rather inconsiderate and rude lodger, not a father and ahusband :(

First, do your research WRT the house, benefits, maintenance etc. Then, when you have all the facts, sit him down and say you are not prepared to continue in the marriage unless he starts pulling his weight. Depending on your circumstances re who owns the house, etc, give him a deadline for improvement after which, if he isn't behaving fairly, either he leaves or you and the children will.
Does he moan about lack of sex BTW? Because it's very hard to feel sexual desire for someone who is treating you like a servant, you could tell him that, as well.

They do feel ignored by him CailinDana :( It's got to the stage where they don't ask him for anything now, as they know he will either tell them to do it themselves or get DD to do it for DS or tell them to ask me. If, say, they ask for a snack or a drink, he'll tell DD to climb up on a chair and get one from the kitchen cupboard. He won't cut them any fruit up or butter them any crackers or anything like that

He really is living the life of a single man. While you are living the life of a single parent with 3 kids!!

What benefit is there to this continuing? Would your DC even notice if he wasn't there?

He really has got to participate more in family life otherwise it's a waste of time. He is quite happy with the status quo and you're not. Would you consider leaving if he refused to change? I think that's what you've got to ask yourself before you make any decisions as to what to do next.

It sounds like he resents being a father.

OP, I think you need to really tell your DH how you feel.

very frustrated. My DH is v similar to yours. But for him its gardening not DIY. Not just cutting grass and doing essential jobs. He gardens for a hobby, endlessly buys new plants, then digs them up. I just want him to admit that he is spending on average 4 hrs a week end on his garden hobby. But he pretends that He has to do it, like it is on par with cleaning the house! He and I both work full time. I put up with it because without him I couldn't afford to live my current life style. He does spend 2 weeks a year doing lots of interaction with DD when skiing hols etc. And also I do love him despite it all.

Thank you everyone for the replies.

I will talk to him at some point in the next few days and will lay it on the line to him that I cannot go on like that and that things have to change. I am getting depressed on weekend days as it is making me depressed with him sitting around the house, making mess, and the kids getting bored whilst I clean. It's just got to change. And it just isn't fair on the children. He isn't being a father at the moment, like someone else has already said he is acting like a lodger.

My marriage wouldn't have lasted the 7 yrs it has without a weekly cleaner. Also recently I stopped cooking for both of us. I just cook for myself and DD. He cooked for me about 2% of the time and I was doing it the rest of the time so I thought no more, and I feel less pissed off with him. It is better as I can eat earlier and eat the exact food I want, god alone knows why I didn't make this decision sooner.

Also about 2 yrs ago, I stopped doing any laundry for him, again made me feel less resentful.

Frustrated it may be an idea to treat your DH more like a lodger if he behaves like one.

Lasvegas, that still sounds pretty grim. Do you still have a sex life with him?

It really is perfectly OK to put a man out of the house for this level of selfish laziness. You do not exist to be a domestic servant to your partner just because he has a penis and you don't.

how is he in front of other people? when in the company of his parents does he behave differently for instance??
how do you get on with them? would you invite them for the weekend and kept them witness his behaviour?

Although the domestic stuff bothers me, I'd say the lack of interaction with the kids is the thing that is upsetting me the most with my DH. It's the way he sits there, in the chair, sport on the TV, and just lets the kids get on with it. If ever I go out anywhere at the weekend, his idea of looking after the DC is watch sport with them in the living room, with the door shut, whilst they make a mess. He won't even set up DS's train set for him, and I am absolutely useless at setting it up, DH can do a much better job of it than I can. He just tells DS to ask me or to ask DD. It makes me sad.

His parents think he's brilliant and think he's a great dad and husband. His dad in particular would never agree with me if I said DH doesn't pull his weight. My parents are the same; they think DH is brilliant, and wonderful because he goes to work. My mum always says how hard he works and says "you must be exhausted" to him when she visits. In fact my parents are arses but that's another thread.

i seem to have read lots of threads like this recenlty, i think there was one the other day about dads that dont ever take their children out? and i just dont get it, i can see how it can creep up on you and become the norm and then trying to change it or issuing an ultimation is scary but i just couldnt live like that.

i am not a slave or just a housekeeper, yes i am sahm, but dp values what i do and when he is at home he pitches in, is very hands on etc and i wouldnt have it any other way, they are not just my children! seriously if you are doing all you may as well be on your own and at least then you dont have to feel resentfull all the time!

What is the point of this man being in the house at all?

god what are his parents and your seeing in him?!! woopey do he works hard! so do YOU! but i bet they dont ask you if you are tired?!

bizarrely i get similar from family actually, they are amazed dp is so hands on as he works so hard, its not fair apparently! of course i just sit on my arse all day...

what would happen if you left for a few days at a friends? leaving him with the kids? not nice to have to do but if he has to cope on his own he may realise what a lazy arse he is being?