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AIBU?

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Original poster

To celebrate 'D'H's birthday..

82 replies

facejacker · 27/08/2012 21:06

Ok, so other half hates celebrating his birthday. Don't ask me why, he's just never ever been into it. Been married 5+ years, and the first time I asked him his birth date he revealed he hated people knowing, and any kind of get together. And I've respected that-always got him a card and made him a meal but didn't make a big song and dance about it...

This year was a big birthday for him (was on Sat). So got him cards from myself and DS (18 months), and took him for a slap up meal at an uber fancy restaurant which I'd been saving for MONTHS for, and reserved weeks in advance. Arranged babysitter etc. All fine and dandy. I thought today might be nice to invite his family (parents, DB and his wife), and my family (parents, DB, DB's wife and DN) so we could all celebrate. I'd asked him about it before, and he was happy for me to do so.

So, did all cleaning myself, shopped for all the food myself with a teething, cranky toddler, cooked a variety of dishes, ordered fancy cake (again, which I'd saved for), did all the hostessing-serving drinks, making sure people had enough to eat etc etc. Then before the cake, cleared up myself (no-one offered to help) and got things ready for the cake. When it came to cutting the cake, DH refused to let me take a single picture, nor did he want to be in any family pictures with me and DS. This really hurt. I felt really resentful that after going to all this trouble (and expense) of trying to give him a memorable few days, he didn't appreciate the effort I went to. Or am I being unreasonable as I know he's not into birthday celebrations? He knew I wanted to take some pics so we could remember this day in years to come, but proverbially stuck 2 fingers up at the thought.

I should add that I'm 6 months pregnant, suffering badly with sciatica, have a 18 month old to look after, and work part-time.

Am I being a cow :( ? (currently not speaking to him btw)...

OP posts:
Original poster
facejacker · 27/08/2012 21:09

Oh, so as not to drip feed, he never celebrates my birthday either..

I had to practically beg him for a birthday cake when I had a big birthday last year!

OP posts:
Hassled · 27/08/2012 21:09

All I can come up with is that somewhere along the line he must have had a truly horrific birthday. Was there any big traumatic event which he could be linking to a birthday? Are his parents normal/sane etc - did they celebrate "normally" when he was a kid?

All that aside, you went to a lot of trouble and it really wouldn't have killed him to play along and smile for the camera. I'd feel pretty hurt, I think.

BettySuarez · 27/08/2012 21:10

Not a cow no, but why did you put him through something that you know makes him so uncomfortable?

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 27/08/2012 21:10

You know he doesnt do birthdays but you went a head with the grand gesture, which was thoughtful, if misguided. Some people don't like a fuss. Some people don't like photos.

At least he didn't walk out, which is what I would have done.

Read your post back top yourself - it's all about what you've done and how inconvenienced you are - rather than about his birthday.

ExitStencilist · 27/08/2012 21:11

well, yabu really, if you know he hates celebrating his birthday, you force him to anyway and then complain he's not very happy about it. You knew he wouldn't be, so why spend the time and money?
I don't get it.

hiddenhome · 27/08/2012 21:11

YABU

You know he doesn't like celebrating his birthday, so why insist that he does?

I don't celebrate my birthday and would totally spiflicate anybody who did so. I have deep psychological reasons why I can't stand it, so much so, that I can't even explain why, but I just do.

FriedEggsAndHam · 27/08/2012 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 27/08/2012 21:12

To be honest I have no idea why you arranged the mini party.

Your DH didn't want it and when you take all the hyperbole out of it all that really happened was you bought a cake, cleaned the house and acted as hostess in your own house. This was all your choice -not his.

Ok yes he could have been a wee bit more gracious about it but really he didn't want it so it seems a bit daft to get so upset about it.

JoyceDivision · 27/08/2012 21:12

YANBU, buuuuutttt.. he doesn't celbrate b'days, but went for a meal wiith you and the next day had a party for you or because you wanted him to have one. Come on, give the bloke a break, he hate's celebrating his birthday and he's doen thisl, he didn't want a picture taking?

It wasn't your or dc's birthday so really wouldn't look too harshly on it!

(But pg, sciatica and 18m old I can see why you might be feeling a bit fecked off Grin)

Original poster
facejacker · 27/08/2012 21:12

No, his family aren't normal, but then who's is?

They are emotionally quite repressed, so he hates any kind of outward emotion.

I just don't want my kids to grow up thinking it's ok to be like this, which is why I WANT to make birthdays important, and take pics to show them later.

Am I flogging a dead horse though?

OP posts:
pictish · 27/08/2012 21:14

Mmm...I can see both points of view, but ultimately the whole gig was your idea, your dh just went along with it despite it not being his thing. It is a bit unfriendly to refuse all pictures...but I hate having my photo taken and avoid it all costs. So I get that, even if I logically know I'm being a bit of a misery guts in avoiding it.

StuntGirl · 27/08/2012 21:15

Yes. Respect his feelings on this.

mamababa · 27/08/2012 21:15

I don't think yabu. Birthday or not, why on earth would he not want photos with his wife and child? He agreed to the 'party' and is not behaving like a spoilt child and making you feel bad when all you wanted was a photo. What is that all about in a grown man. Really Hmm

RandomMess · 27/08/2012 21:15

Urgh this sounds familiar - Dh hates celebrating his birthday so he ensures mine is a complete non-event and it hurts like hell.

However I now make zero effort with his because he doesn't appreciate it or want it.

RaisinDEtre · 27/08/2012 21:16

well you are not being a cow BUT he has made it perfectly clear over the years that birthdays are really not his thing

he acquiesced to your making a fuss on saturday; you were quite unkind to then impose another celebration upon him knowing that he hates birthdays

sorry

theoriginalandbestrookie · 27/08/2012 21:16

Yes you are flogging a definitely dead horse so give it up.

You must love your DH otherwise you wouldn't have gone to so much effort. He is the way he is, why are you trying to make him into something he isn't.

Your kids will not suffer if they do not see adults making a big hoopla about getting a decade older.

Original poster
facejacker · 27/08/2012 21:16

x-post.

Thanks ladies, I guess I was being unreasonable.

I think it is partly the hormones, and I shouldn't have gone through all this rigmarole when deep down I knew he might feel awkward. I don't know WHY he okay'd it though. I asked him (no pressure lol!) last week about the family, and he said it was a good idea. Why then be such an ungrateful shit when the time arrives?!

OP posts:
ExitStencilist · 27/08/2012 21:17

then make a fuss of their birthdays, and yours, but you can't enforce jollity and celebration on someone else.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 27/08/2012 21:17

Flogging a dead horse? Well you forced someone into a situation they are uncomfortable with.

I'm sure if the roles were reversed the pseudo couch psychiatrist would be along to call you an emotional abuser Grin

However the fact I don't like birthdays has never stopped me going OTT celebrating the childrens. So it shouldn't for you either

WingDefence · 27/08/2012 21:20

I was in a similar situation to you last year. My DH hates birthdays and also hates surprises.

So I decided to organise not one but two surprises for his big milestone birthday. One was a family lunch in an Italian restaurant at which he knew his DSis and family were coming, together with my parents and my DBro & family.

When we walked in and saw 30-ish members of both our families he gave me an evil glare and nearly walked out with the shock... But didn't, recovered and had a fantastic time. I paid for the meal (£10 set meal for everyone) and my DPs kindly contributed towards the drinks.

The week after, I organised a massive drinks party in the local pub with 50+ friends, including friends of his from college who he hadn't seen for 20-odd years and who I found by hacking into his facebook on facebook and who traveled from the other end of the country.

Again, the look on his face was absolutely priceless, but this time he didn't almost walk out, laughed and again had a fantastic time.

So to sum up, if my DH hadn't allowed me to take any photos etc or generally acted like and ungrateful arse, I would feel as disappointed and upset as you do now.

YANBU.

hiddenhome · 27/08/2012 21:20

He probably agreed so that you'd be quiet and go away Hmm

Original poster
facejacker · 27/08/2012 21:20

Yes, yes, I agree with all of you.

Just super pissed that I went through all the effort (I know it sounds a bit me me me, but gimme a break I'm preggers!), and we're now not talking...

I agree with the fact that birthday or not, it was a fecking picture with his mug, me and DS.

But I concede, I'll give it up next year (only for MIL to bitch and moan I 'forgot' her PSB's birthday!)

OP posts:
RaisinDEtre · 27/08/2012 21:21

not wanting to be photographed does not equal being an ungrateful shit, surely?

don't be upset that he didn't follow your script, chalk it up to experience

Original poster
facejacker · 27/08/2012 21:22

Lol Jumping @ emotional abuse.

I'll give him fecking emotional abuse!!

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 27/08/2012 21:22

I think you have bigger problems, if you don't want your kids to grow up thinking it's ok to be like their dad.

You're really setting yourself up for an impossible situation. You can't change your DH, but how can you dissuade your kids from acting like him without totally disrespecting him?

Is your DH planning to celebrate his own kids' birthdays at least?

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