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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To celebrate 'D'H's birthday..

82 replies

facejacker · 27/08/2012 21:06

Ok, so other half hates celebrating his birthday. Don't ask me why, he's just never ever been into it. Been married 5+ years, and the first time I asked him his birth date he revealed he hated people knowing, and any kind of get together. And I've respected that-always got him a card and made him a meal but didn't make a big song and dance about it...

This year was a big birthday for him (was on Sat). So got him cards from myself and DS (18 months), and took him for a slap up meal at an uber fancy restaurant which I'd been saving for MONTHS for, and reserved weeks in advance. Arranged babysitter etc. All fine and dandy. I thought today might be nice to invite his family (parents, DB and his wife), and my family (parents, DB, DB's wife and DN) so we could all celebrate. I'd asked him about it before, and he was happy for me to do so.

So, did all cleaning myself, shopped for all the food myself with a teething, cranky toddler, cooked a variety of dishes, ordered fancy cake (again, which I'd saved for), did all the hostessing-serving drinks, making sure people had enough to eat etc etc. Then before the cake, cleared up myself (no-one offered to help) and got things ready for the cake. When it came to cutting the cake, DH refused to let me take a single picture, nor did he want to be in any family pictures with me and DS. This really hurt. I felt really resentful that after going to all this trouble (and expense) of trying to give him a memorable few days, he didn't appreciate the effort I went to. Or am I being unreasonable as I know he's not into birthday celebrations? He knew I wanted to take some pics so we could remember this day in years to come, but proverbially stuck 2 fingers up at the thought.

I should add that I'm 6 months pregnant, suffering badly with sciatica, have a 18 month old to look after, and work part-time.

Am I being a cow :( ? (currently not speaking to him btw)...

OP posts:
FriedEggsAndHam · 27/08/2012 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
facejacker · 27/08/2012 21:24

Yeah well, he moaned all the way through DS's first birthday too! I guess even after 5 years, whilst I am completely in love with the bugger, I don't get how his parents raised him to be such a bleeding killjoy...

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 27/08/2012 21:25

He agreed to having his family over, he did. Think the photo's were step over what he was ready for. He has been ungrateful but equally I think he was upfront that it's not his sort of thing. This is a lesson to never give too much - if you are only happy to give it when it is appreciated then you have given too much. It is a gift with conditions.

I would want to talk about his further with him. He may not be into birthdays but you are and a compromise should be found. He should celebrate you or your special day and he should want to celebrate the birth of DC.

FriedEggsAndHam · 27/08/2012 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CockyPants · 27/08/2012 21:25

Tell him he is rude and needs to grow up. And that it is unfair on you and the kids to impose his shitty attitude on you. RUDE!

Original poster
facejacker · 27/08/2012 21:27

FriedEggs, depends what you mean by twat! He sloped off halfway through to have a cheeky kip in the spare room until I made him come downstairs.

TBH, we didn't even make any mention of it being a birthday until the cake came out. No banners, no cards, nothing. I even asked my family to not get any presents. It was literally just lunch THEN right at the end I brought the cake out (no candles). Almost like a family get together with a cake thrown in.

Still, I shall have to avoid doing even this from now on.

OP posts:
Original poster
facejacker · 27/08/2012 21:29

He just says his family have never celebrated birthdays, and finds it odd that mine does. No previous birthday trauma as far as I know!

OP posts:
Growlithe · 27/08/2012 21:30

Do you think you are setting a good example to your child by riding rough shod over your DHs feelings like this? He obviously has a total hangup about birthdays, so why would you make such a big deal about it? You organise not one but two celebrations, and then when he steps out of line just one little bit you get stroppy with him.

mamas12 · 27/08/2012 21:33

I would hope that as a compromise in future that if you agree to respect his wishes by not celebrating his bithday BUT he needs to respect yours and make a huge fuss of you and of course the childrens.

CockyPants · 27/08/2012 21:33

DH whined through your sons FIRST birthday?!
Jesus. I think he seriously needs to grow up. Tell him if he doesn't stop with the control thing re birthdays he will be spending the next few minus you and his children. What a shitty pig ruining things for everyone else.

FriedEggsAndHam · 27/08/2012 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoMeDon · 27/08/2012 21:34

Lunch and a cake is NOT a big deal.

I find it so sad when people do not enjoy celebrating - ;ife should be an attempt to celebrate as much as possible. Be grateful for the day you were born and happy to still be alive.

StuntGirl · 27/08/2012 21:35

You sound pretty horrible OP. Honestly, if my boyfriend disregarded my feelings like this I'd be pretty hurt.

DoMeDon · 27/08/2012 21:36

Horrible!?! Good grief

Hassled · 27/08/2012 21:37

FFS she does not sound horrible. She sounds like a lovely woman who was doing her best.

WorraLiberty · 27/08/2012 21:39

I just don't want my kids to grow up thinking it's ok to be like this, which is why I WANT to make birthdays important, and take pics to show them later

But it IS ok to be like this

If your kids don't want any fuss on their Birthdays when they're adults, that's perfectly ok.

Why do you think it's not?

FredFredGeorge · 27/08/2012 21:39

YABVU to make a big deal of someones birthday when you know they don't like it. If you genuinely care about someone and believe a birthday is important then you would do what they want, not what you want as that is selfish. Why would you want to teach your children such a selfish idea?

Making something memorable when the person doesn't want the memories is a bad idea. Concentrate your efforts to show you love your DH outside his birthday, or almost certainly any other "occasion" - some people simply do not like it, respect that. If your DH won't help celebrate your DC's birthdays then he is rude and VU, but given that he played along when it was his birthday in the majority, it sounds like he will?

AnyFucker · 27/08/2012 21:40

I think you need to stop trying to make yourt husband into something he is not

if you want a fuss made of birthdays, do it yourself (for you, and dc's)

leave your husband to be the morose git that he is

you married him that way

if you wanted a party boy, you chose the wrong bloke

Tortington · 27/08/2012 21:43

it is normal to celebrate birthdays though whether his family do or not. He knows this as this is part of our culture.

Birthdays are as much about making the people who have made the effort feel loved as it is about being loved on that day.

TBH in your situation - i'd tell him to stick a fucking party hat on and put a fucking smile on his face and fucking like it the miserable git

CockyPants · 27/08/2012 21:43

You thinks OP sounds 'horrible?'
She sounds like a perfectly normal person.
And dickhead husband sounds like a rude obnoxious immature twat.

GnomeDePlume · 27/08/2012 21:43

DH & I have an agreement - no surprise parties. We would be furious if the other broke the agreement.

My FiL arranged a surprise party for MiL. She thought she was going for a casual family supper so didnt dress up at all. She was mortified to find herself at a party in 'staying in' clothes. Funnily enough FiL has never done this again.

hiddenhome · 27/08/2012 21:45

My kids have to accept that I don't celebrate my birthday. I make a fuss of them on theirs and I do stuff for dh on his, but they know that when it comes to mine, it's a no, no.

He may actually have bad memories of his childhood birthdays and not want to think about the past. We all harbour stuff we'd rather not visit and sometimes birthdays can cause hurt feelings and people want to avoid those. It's a very deeply personal thing.

Original poster
facejacker · 27/08/2012 21:58

Thanks guys, lots of great advice.

I think I have to suck it up, and just not make a big deal of it (as I have been doing the past 4 years). It was only cos this year was a big un..

Worra, you are absolutely right, it is OK to be like this. But I do adore him, and just wanted to show him I do. Went about it the wrong way.

Stuntgirl, you sound positively delightful. Still if that's what you think, again, I'll suck it up...

FriedEggs, thank you my love. I guess I do admit to loving having people round for happy occasions, but I guess only I see them as 'happy' lol.

Would I now be very unreasonable in at least not speaking to the bugger for a day or two?! Just cos I'm pissed at not even a teeny tiny picture for our second DC to look at?!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/08/2012 22:01

yes, you would BU

speak to him as usual

and take the photo another time

a birthday is just another day to some people (like me)

bobbledunk · 27/08/2012 22:06

I really feel for your husband, he's already made it very clear that he hates fuss on his birthdays and you insist on spending a lot of money and effort on doing something for him that you know he hates.

It is so frustrating when people ignore your feelings and inflict what they love on you despite knowing it's your worst nightmare and then expecting you to be grateful for it.

If you really love him, next year do something private that he would like to do (if anything), respect him enough to listen to his wishes.