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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to leave baby to cry?

55 replies

raininginbaltimore · 27/08/2012 19:01

DD is 3 weeks. Ds was a screamer of a baby. Hours and hours every day. He was later diagnosed with reflux. Anyway it was hell, weeks and weeks of colicky evenings. But I never left him, always tried soothing him.

DD hates being put down, won't tolerate bouncy chair, swing etc, much like her brother. She will go in sling, but tonight is screaming and won't even tolerate that.

Some friends have said I should just put her down for a few minutes to deal with ds. But I can't bear the idea of leaving her when she iscrying. And putting her down makes her scream more.

The screaming is doing me in. I can't believe I have had two babies like this. Doesn't seem fair!

I have been told if I leave her a bit she will become more chilled as she learn. Am I being soft for holding her all time?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 27/08/2012 19:03

Do you have a sling?

Original poster
raininginbaltimore · 27/08/2012 19:05

Yep. The sling is currently making her angrier! She arches her back, head butts me and screams louder.

Usually it works though. I have tried the moby and close. Both are unacceptable to her.

OP posts:
Socknickingpixie · 27/08/2012 19:05

i didnt ever do the leave to cry thing and my kids are mostly chilled and rarely bothered by just being

SCOTCHandWRY · 27/08/2012 19:06

You are not being "soft" - she is a tiny new baby and is crying because she is distressed about SOMETHING - could she have reflux too, do you think? If so, she will be far happier upright, being held than lying down.

hazchem · 27/08/2012 19:06

You do not have to leave your baby to scream unless you need/want to. I hope you are getting some more useful support in these early days. Perhaps your friends could I don't know bake a cake for you, take your son to the park, hang out your washing instead of telling you what to do.
Congratulations on the birth of your daughter

SCOTCHandWRY · 27/08/2012 19:07

Oh my post sounds a little harsh, meant to offer useful advice only! Smile

Original poster
raininginbaltimore · 27/08/2012 19:09

She isn't sick like ds was, he was sick all the time, everywhere.

She only does tiny, normal baby sick.

OP posts:
DancesWithSockPuppets · 27/08/2012 19:09

A bit Hmm about the 'leave her and she'll learn' school of parenting, especially for a 3 week old. If utting her down makes her worse, it sounds to me like you might just have to struggle through it and maybe buy earplugs (we did, and it helped a great deal). Obviously it won't harm her being put down for a bit if you really need it for the sake of your sanity.

Sorry I can't help more Brew

mummysmellsofsick · 27/08/2012 19:14

I read research that has shown CIO is damaging for babies. Can't remember what or where but I'd never do it myself. Poor little beans, at that age they are just so new and vulnerable they know they can't survive alone. No wonder they hate being put down.

CrunchyFrog · 27/08/2012 19:14

Have you tried swaddling?

I read Harvey Karp when I had DC2, who was quite unsettled, and it worked a treat. Swaddling and shushing, and jiggling about.

Hope things get easier for you soon.

mummysmellsofsick · 27/08/2012 19:16

I think the research showed that what they 'learn' is that when they are upset and frightened no-one listens or tries to help. This affects them later in life. Not surprising really.

nightowlmostly · 27/08/2012 19:20

She could have silent reflux, my ds wasn't sick but had all the other symptoms of reflux. Don't rule it out just because she isn't sick.

I agree with a PP that your friends could offer you some practical help rather than advise you to ignore your dd. I hope things get better soon, congrats!

OHforDUCKScake · 27/08/2012 19:20

She still could have silent reflux. My second had silent reflux, until I gave up dairy and it went.

Is she bf or ff? If bf do you have a fast flow? Does she make clicking ir gulping noises when she feeds? If ff have you tried different milks or Dr Brown bottles?

NameChangeGalore · 27/08/2012 19:22

Please try this: swaddle and then play this on YouTube as loud as possible and then gently turn the vOlume down once shes quiet; she WILL go quiet:

white noise

Must stress the swaddling and gentle rocking.

I've been doing this to DS since he was 6 weeks and he's 7 months now. Calmest little baby ever, and sometimes drifts off to sleep whilst crawling around.

NameChangeGalore · 27/08/2012 19:23

Oh and DS suffered from reflux too, but infant gaviscon sorted him out and he's been fine ever since.

GnocchiNineDoors · 27/08/2012 19:25

Another vote for swaddling. theres a technique on You Tube where he swaddles, lays baby on its side, and sort of bounces them up and down while doing a very loud SHHHHHHHHH in their ear.

OHforDUCKScake · 27/08/2012 19:26

White noise was amazing for DC2. I used a hair dryer and rock him to sleep.

Snusmumriken · 27/08/2012 19:26

I second the 'white noise' recommendation. I would play it on a loop for hours when DS was new born. You are doing the right thing. Little babies need to be held and you are doing a great job!

Iggly · 27/08/2012 19:28

I had the same - two screaming reflux babies. Have you had her checked for reflux? Also make sure she's not getting overtired - I basically gave up trying to put dd down and she lived in the sling for the first 13 weeks. It was claustrophobic but it bloody worked a treat! She'd only come out for feeds or nappy changes then back in again!

So YANBU

Snusmumriken · 27/08/2012 19:28

12 hours of free white noise

Good luck!

Original poster
raininginbaltimore · 27/08/2012 19:30

She also hates swaddling. Ds loved it. I have a white noise cd, and one that is white noise/womb/heartbeat. It doesn't work-I have tried it really loud!

I will keep holding her, it feels like the right thing to do. Can't believe I have another one like this. Ds didn't get better til 4 months.

She is ff, haven't tried different milks. Thought they were all same. She is on Hipp.

OP posts:
hairytale · 27/08/2012 19:35

Yanbu. Baby is crying for some reason - you may not know what - but she needs comfort, not to be taught that no-one will comfort her when she us distressed. Leaving tiny babies to cry us barbaric IMHO.

Iggly · 27/08/2012 19:39

Reflux can be triggered by cows milk. Try a comfort milk - its broken down more so easier to digest.

melliebobs · 27/08/2012 19:43

I'm only on my first but really feel for you. Dd is almost 6 month and had baaaad reflux. 10-15hrs of none stop screaming without even pausing for breath day in day out for 12 weeks when she finally got medication.

But if you've fed, changed, cuddled n consoles her. Putting her down for 2 mins while you tend to ur son isn't the end of the world. But just leaving to 'cry it out' I wouldn't do.

Dd had a bouncy chair. She hated it. Would scream blue murder. But at least if I needed to have a shower she was crying and could see me rather than bein alone in her cot

Hopeforever · 27/08/2012 19:46

Have you considered a cranial osteopath? Stopped both my babies relentless and unexplained crying.

And I don't believe you should be made to leave your baby crying, it won't help you either. Do you have people who can help when she is at her most upset to spend time either with her or your DS?