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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you believe your OH values your role within your home/ lives?

78 replies

Barbielovesken · 26/08/2012 20:01

Probably not really an AIBU but do you believe your oh values your role within your lives? Regardless of that role - whatever it may be do you feel valued/ under valued/ appreciated etc?

Prompted by an arguement between dh and I this morn, it got me thinking. Do couples, generally appreciate each other? Or do we all tend to, because of tiredness/ stress etc express that we don't (even if we do), or do people not have a clue what other people do if not present at all times or is my dh just a massive prick?

He referred to me (repeatedly) this morning as lazy and apparently I do nothing. I work 38 hours a week, commute 7, have 3 dc (6,2 and 1), am back to work since dd3 was 5 months, am here 5-6 nights out of 7 on my own once I get in (due to dh's job) so do tea, bed, bath etc with dc and housework/ washing/ getting all ready for next day on my own. Up til last year, I was attending uni at night (on top of work( and studying constantly when dc were asleep) and was pregnant.

I'm really surprised to be referred to as lazy - i may be a lot of things- but lazy?

OP posts:

mummydarkling · 26/08/2012 23:58

we should show our OHs these posts both positive and negative. Sometimes we all get so bogged down in getting through the day we just can't see the other person and his/her contribution.

Krumbum · 27/08/2012 00:57

He values my role. But I currently do literally nothing.

Fantail · 27/08/2012 01:30

Yep, my DH values what I do and has always supported my career. He also seems to deal with the more stressful aspects of parenting better than I and does his share around the house.

Thirds what Annie said - please do this. The way he treats you is not normal and I am sure that your granny would want you in a safe and happy home

OhDearNigel · 27/08/2012 03:27

When we are arguing he will try to make out I am a lazy slattern. However that's only because he knows it pushes my buttons and he is a great fan of goading people. When just in normal mode yes, I think he appreciates what I do (ie work 60 hours a week plus do 85% of the housework and all the cooking)

I asked a question him the other day, can't remember exactly what it was but the response was "you work bloody hard, you're a good cook, you keep a decent house and you're not a bad Mum". For DH that is a compliment

OhDearNigel · 27/08/2012 03:29

I would just like to also point out that DH works an average of 70 hours a week in a very stressful job which is why I do more housework and he will cook if I let him (not often because I don't usually want to eat what he wants to cook).

Morloth · 27/08/2012 03:32

I really AM lazy, I work 2 days a week and have a cleaner.

DH thinks the sun shines out of my butt, to be fair I feel the same way about him.

We look after each other, because then we are both happy.

He works really long hours but when he is here he does the majority of the parenting, because he is better at it and he wants that time with them.

OhDearNigel · 27/08/2012 03:36

In fact during his outbursts he always says I have to "sort it out as he doesnt want DS growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat women"

Let me get this straight. Your Twat Husband thinks that he treats you in an unacceptable way yet it is your reponsibility to "sort it out"

WTAF ?

OhDearNigel · 27/08/2012 03:40

This morning he told me because be was out gigging, I should have stayed up cleaning for the hours hed been gone

OMG DH may be an argumentative nob but he would never, ever criticise me for taking it easy for the evening - in fact it's generally me that beats myself up for not doing enough.

Sorry OP but your H doesn't sound very nice

NapaCab · 27/08/2012 03:57

Another: it's perfectly acceptable in the Catholic Church to get a separation and just live apart. You can't remarry in the Church again but you can live apart. There's no reason to have your religious scruples force you to put up with abuse.

And in answer to Annie: yes, the Catholic Church would prefer that women stay in abusive homes and put up with shit rather than allowing marriages to break up. It's all part of women sacrificing themselves so that men can have easier lives, you see. You wouldn't want to hear some of the sermons I've heard at the weddings in my family (vetoed it at my own)...

My DH does appreciate how I take care of DS and also is appreciative of meals cooked, clothes ironed etc, just as I'm appreciative of him when he irons my clothes or cooks dinner etc. If anything I probably don't tell him enough how much I appreciate how hard he works for us all. I used to carp at him when I was the main breadwinner about being short of money for this and that but now he's the main breadwinner and I''m at home full-time, he never mentions money (I'm still paranoid about it though!).

AdoraBell · 27/08/2012 04:03

No.

tholeon · 27/08/2012 07:31

another - just another message to reiterate that you sound fab and your h sounds like a grade a twat. Please keep posting, maybe start a thread in relationships? and yes get some real life support. Depressing how many bad men there are out there!

Smurfy1 · 27/08/2012 07:41

DH thinks I walk on water rofl I work 72 hours in a row, do the housework and look after DSD, am in the PTA and can cook

Moominsarescary · 27/08/2012 07:51

What the fuck is a hideous growler?

Dp values my current role of doing not much, he works long hours and has a very physically demanding job. Im now a sahm but have just had an op and I'm supposed to be taking it easy.

At the moment he is doing the majority of the house work when he gets in from work, he also cooks probably as much as me. He isn't the most patient person though and admits he wouldn't be great looking after the children full time. I think the only thing that bothers him at the moment is the sex ban.

Anotherusefulname · 27/08/2012 09:19

Good Morning,
I've just read through this thread again, I would like to apologise for hijacking OPs thread. Thank you for all your support, i know our relationship is not healthy but I don't really feel abused, he would never hit me, I am in no physical harm. I have broached the subject of separating with my Mum in the past and she has very clearly told me I've made my bed and have to lie in it. I have 2 children and no qualifications, I haven't worked for 6 years and I am in no postion to support myself.
I really do appreciate your support, I am halfway through an OU degree so in a few years will be in a much better position, my Nana will no longer be around and I won't have to worry about shaming her.
Anyway Thank you again.

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 27/08/2012 10:08

anotheruseful I'm in work so don't have time to post- just had to say please don't apologise for hijacking at all, I'm sorry to read your story but I'm glad you're getting some advice and support on this thread. I'll talk to you some more tonight

OP posts:

Morloth · 27/08/2012 10:22

Don't waste your life for other people Another he treats you like that because he knows he can.

Your posts are some of the saddest I have ever seen on MN. Your mother is wrong, I love my children and if one of them said to me what you said to her, I would be offering my home and all of my support to them and my grandchildren while they get sorted out away from the abuse.

Don't teach your children that this is the best they can expect from life.

Morloth · 27/08/2012 10:25

I just wanted to add.

One of the reasons (well two) that DH treats me so good is because this is what was shown to him growing up, his Dad this his Mum is just wonderful, not perfect obviously, but wonderful and he treats her like gold. The other reason is that I had that shown to me growing up as well, my mother is strong and my Dad adored and respected her, so I knew that was how it worked.

Our children learn about relationships from us. Show them how a woman is to treated or your horrible partners will.

ImperialBlether · 27/08/2012 10:28

The longer I stay on Mumsnet the more shocked I am as to what people will put up with.

Did you all know these men were like that when you had a child with them?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 27/08/2012 10:35

Anotherusefulename, abuse does not have to be physical, what you are suffering is a form of abuse. No way would I put up with that and I too am a catholic.

I would not be listening to your Mother (or any Catholic priest who IMHO should shut up about family life and marriage). As for shaming your Nana, I bet she would rather her granddaughter was happy. Take control of your own future is what I would urge you for the sake of you and your dhildren

AnnieLobeseder · 27/08/2012 13:57

OP - just to add, your DP is absolutely barking if he feels that you have to match him hour for hour, like cleaning the house (crap job) while he's out at a gig (fun job). I've never heard anything so nuts.

Another - your DH is abusing your mentally and emotionally. Abuse is not jsut physical. You did not make your bed, you do not have to lie in it. Your DH is choosing to abuse you. You do not have to choose to put up with it. And you do have choices - please look into them, starting with Women's Aid. There is no reason you can't get out if you want to.

wordfactory · 27/08/2012 14:14

Oh my goodness, it must be horrible not to be appreciated. Just horrible.

DH appreciates everyhting I do for the family and is absurdly proud of my achievements outside of it. I feel the same about him.

Amykins · 27/08/2012 21:41

Imperial, how superior you sound and how unsympathetic.

ImperialBlether · 27/08/2012 22:20

I'm not, Amy. I don't mean to sound superior and I'm not unsympathetic.

I just don't understand why women have babies with men who are so vile to them.

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 27/08/2012 23:06

I think a lot of the time (not always granted, but a lot) people get nastier when they are tired/ stressed/ have more pressure in life. As lovely as having dc is, many people are naturally more tired, don't get the same sleep or down time as pre kids and have much more pressure in regards to work/ finances (pressure to provide). I don't think it helps. No justification at all for horrid behaviour, just pointing out that some people may be perfectly lovely in their rested, carefree pre dc lived and change for the above reasons.

In my case, mind, I'm with dh since we were kids, I probably don't know any different. He can be a massive prick sometimes but the good times definitely out weigh the bad. Even when he's being an arse (like now!) I don't regret having kids with him because I can't picture a better father. We're a good team, we have achieved a lot together at quite a young age and I suspect that's down to how we are together.

OP posts:

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 27/08/2012 23:11

Sorry, pressed send too quick. But success (whatever that may be to an individual) doesn't come without a price IMO

OP posts:

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