To ask if you believe your OH values your role within your home/ lives?

[Barbielovesken]

Probably not really an AIBU but do you believe your oh values your role within your lives? Regardless of that role - whatever it may be do you feel valued/ under valued/ appreciated etc?

Prompted by an arguement between dh and I this morn, it got me thinking. Do couples, generally appreciate each other? Or do we all tend to, because of tiredness/ stress etc express that we don't (even if we do), or do people not have a clue what other people do if not present at all times or is my dh just a massive prick?

He referred to me (repeatedly) this morning as lazy and apparently I do nothing. I work 38 hours a week, commute 7, have 3 dc (6,2 and 1), am back to work since dd3 was 5 months, am here 5-6 nights out of 7 on my own once I get in (due to dh's job) so do tea, bed, bath etc with dc and housework/ washing/ getting all ready for next day on my own. Up til last year, I was attending uni at night (on top of work( and studying constantly when dc were asleep) and was pregnant.

I'm really surprised to be referred to as lazy - i may be a lot of things- but lazy?

There's no point in dignifying this twattishness with a reasoned argument about how you do XY and Z. YOu are over-working, and running the household on your own, three kids plus working f-t, I don't know why your husband is saying these things, I don't think it's rational- what do you think is at the bottom of it all?

My DH doesn't appreciate me.
He has high standards of cleanliness - I don't reach them. I'm lazy, fat, don't take pride in myself (by which he means I don't shave enough - and have a hideous growler). He screams at me until i cry tells me he's going to leave I tell him I'll change, i try my best but unless eveything is in its place and surfaces are all soarkling permanantly its not good enough and after a few months it starts again. I have 2 children to look adter and they are more important to me than a show home.
But I married him so I just put up with it and one day when the children are older the house will stay clean and it won't happen.
I appreciate that he goes out to work and pays the bills so I can stay at home with the children while they are small.
But

Some people actually become less satisfied the more you do for them. The only way to get them to respect you is to be a completely high-maintenance princess and never lift a finger for them. It's weird. I had an ex like that.

Anotherusefulname - why don't you just divorce him and get the house? Then it can look however you want it to look. Or tell him to pay for a cleaner as well.

I have a good reason for not divorcing him, don't think I haven't thought it through. He is a great dad and between his outbursts he is fantastic. That is not my main reason is that we are a catholic family and nobody has ever got divorced. My Nana is currently terminally ill and she would be ashamed and I won't put her through any unnecessary stress in her kast few months.

No sorry Another, a great dad does not treat the mother of his DC this way. It's horrible and your DC will grow up thinking this is the way they shoudl treat their partners or should be treated by their partners.

OMG Another he needs to fucking change, not you!!

Hate to say it, but he'll only get worse. He's probably treating you this badly because he knows you'll put up with it.

But it's up to you how much you're prepared to put up with just for the sake of tradition. I know Catholics who have divorced.

If you won't leave work on your self esteem. Stop trying to change, be who you want to be, reconnect with yourself. 'hideous growler' - fucking hell!

I would quite agree but the children have never seen him treat me with anything but respect and love. In fact during his outbursts he always says I have to "sort it out as he doesnt want DS growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat women". Therefore I know he doesn't want to speak to me the way he does sometimes. He knows it's not right.

I know its not right and I may well divorce him in the future but being the first in the family to do it would be very difficult as I don't think I would get a huge amount of support.
To be fair, the hideous growler thing is a fair comment, it comes half way up my stomach :-)

What the f does he do?

What a prick!

Seriously it sounds as if you'd be better off a single mother.

I'm really sorry I can't reply individually, am on my phone and can't scroll back - I have read every reply though and really appreciate your thoughts - it's been an eye opener. I'm truly sorry to hear that some of you are putting up with such horrendous shit from your oh's.

What's prompted this? (this time!!). Someone wisely described it as the tiredness Olympics - which sums up this house perfectly. I think we both can be guilty of this in general.

Yesterday we took the kids out for the day and got home late, because of this we didn't have a chance to do the usual Saturday morning catch up clean. The house was a tip and I bathed the 3 kids, did tea, bed etc as dh had to go to a gig (he's in a band) I was wrecked and at 9, lay down on the couch watching tv and fell asleep. I have been unusually tired this past week and yesterday was my dads 2nd anniversary which had me feeling a little sad (and no one remembered/ cared)

This morning he told me because be was out gigging, I should have stayed up cleaning for the hours hed been gone (just to add, it's extremely rare I'd ever leave a mess before bed. Can I also add, I was working last week - dh was on a weeks hols and kids were at cm's)

He does gig a lot and I appreciate the income that generates but he does love it, he rehearses 2 nights a week with the guys and loves it, it's something he has always wanted to do and I support it. I haven't had a lie in in 2 years as (obv) I get up every sat and sun morn with kids while he lies on (after being out til 2 in fairness) but his day job allows him to work approx 20 hours to my 38 so it levels out hour wise.

wait, what? He does not want Ds to see him treating you like this, so YOU have to sort it out?? I have a very simple solution, he can stop behaving like this. There are many, many messy houses and actually lazy and fat women around whose husbands still never scream until they make the wife cry. It is not your fault if he decides to behave like that, it really is not.
What a prick.

I'm actually finding this thread a bit upsetting. So many people seem to be married to an ungrateful arsehole.

Oh dear - hideous growler? no that most certainly is not a fair comment and the day you start believing comments like this are fair is the day to leave

I remember being 37 weeks pregnant with number 3 (ds was 15 months old), working full time still, suffering from SPD and had to use crutches to get up the four flights of stairs to my office, took a days exam leave to take a (law) exam, studying each night til all hours once I got kids down, sat down and said "oh I'm soooo tired I could cry" and dh (genuinely confused / not sarcastic) looked up and said "why? What has you tired?"

Jesus wept this thread is depressing :(

Why do you all stand for this shit? Why the fuck did you marry these wankers in the first place??

No, my exp did not value me in the marriage. I looked after dd and worked part time for weeks at a time whilst he was away with no problems. When he was home he did nothing but not pick, be obstructive and argue with me. I do not miss him!

I do bugger all most days. I don't work. My daughter is grown and has just moved out. I'm a bit of a waste of space really. But my husband values my role as layabout companion above anything else in the world. The occassional cooked dinner and ironed shirt are a bonus (he thinks it's Christmas).

I'm very lucky and it makes up for all the years of shit before I met him.

To answer your question - yes I feel very appreciated.

Dh and I do all that you do between us. Can't imagine being in your shoes.

I find being appreciated makes me happy. I couldn't be with someone who purposefully tried to decrease my happiness.

I had an ex like this. I worked FT to put him through medical school. I did everything. I tried to study around my work and got no support at all. It was awful. He'd pick me apart then call me pathetic and stupid. Eventually he had an affair with a patient.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I swore I would never allow myself to be treated so badly again.

DP works all hours. He never fails to say thank you for every little thing. I've been a bit down recently what with moving away from family and ttc, as a result the house has slipped. I'm here in a grubby t shirt looking like shit in a messy house. He came home, not to the tea I said I'd make, but to a sandwich. I got a hug and a genuine thank you for making him a sandwich. He noticed what I had done around the house, he thanks me for doing housework even though thanks my only contribution within the home outside of mother and partner. I try to make sure I let him know how much I appreciate how hard he works and the hours he does to pay our bills.

No woman should be treated like some of the examples here. I could cry for you as I know how it is. You deserve better and there is better out there.

God so depressing to hear how much some people do and that their partners call them lazy, etc. I guess I am just very lucky, but my DH would never speak to me like that in a million years!

You can't have kids and expect your home to look like a show home - these guys need to grow up and get some more realistic expectations of life.

Yes, I think by and large we appreciate each other. I think he would love to come home from work and find a lovely tidy house, but he knows how much mess two four years olds make and he is realistic about how hard it is to get everything done during the day. When I go out for the day he rarely manages to get much housework done in addition to looking after the kids, so I wouldn't expect to come home to a sparkling clean house either.

And I appreciate that he goes out to work for us, because frankly I'd rather chew my own arm off than do that.

Anotherusefulname - please could you do something for me? And for yourself, and for your children? Call Women's Aid. You don't have to leave him, you don't have to get divorced. But the way you are being treated is classic abuse and you don't deserve it. Does the Catholic church really believe that women should put up with abuse with no chance of escape? Do you think that's what god wants?

Please speak to Women's Aid, find out about your options, get some support. So that when the day comes that you realise that you and your children deserve to live better, you will be armed and prepared to make your escape to a better life.

Seconds what Annie said.