To tell the hosts that DH didn't come to their party because he couldn't be bothered?

[bushymcbush]

We have been invited to a housewarming BBQ this afternoon. We've known about it for a couple of weeks.

This morning DH has decided he's not going. He says he doesn't feel like it. He's trying to make up for it with promises to do some housework.

It's not a coincidence at all that he realised this morning there is a BTCC race on telly this aft. Oh no.

So WIBU to not make up some crappy excuse for him when I arrive at the party without him, and just tell them the truth?

He has form for this kind of thing btw.

I would expect to go to a planned event if not going left my spouse having to take a small child and a baby on a long journey alone so I could watch TV.

Bling is right - him opting out is not "exercising free will", it is being a lazy dick and pushing the work onto his wife.

Would you be happy with your DP/DH doing this then pictish?
Cailindana has summed the situation up well. You kicked his arse yet OP?

If I had said yes to a party I would never ever not go becuase there was something I wanted to watch on TV. It is called manners.

Um...on this occasion I would probably be quite annoyed, like the OP....but some of you are talking as though it's a deal breaker. It isn't. It's a trifle.

Are they joint friends or your friends?

I wouldn't really fancy an 80-mile round trip to a BBQ where I couldn't drink if they weren't my friends.

He still doesn't necessarily get to decide at the last minute when it affects other people too.

Take the baby, she won't be much trouble. Leave the 3yo with him.

I wouldn't consider it a trifle pictish. I'm not sure I would consider it a dealbreaker either, but that would really depend on other things. I would be very upset if my DH did this to me and it would make me think he had very little consideration for my feelings, which would be hard to get over.

I prefer bbqs to trifles tbh...

I mean, I could exercise my "free will" and walk out of the house now without a word to anyone.

Because "being an adult" means it is my right to do as I please.

DH and our 3 daughters can just sort themselves out. Nothing to do with "adult" me.

Oh no. Responsibility is just for the weak.

I am guessing as the OP is BF then he can drink.

LOL at "deal breaker" :o

It's not "I'm leaving you."

It's "get your lazy arse in the car, I'm not looking after the kids on my own all day and your daughter expects to go."

YANBU, what a jerky thing for your husband to do.

When you say he has form, is it often in a way that leaves you having to take care of everything while he has a nice child-free day at home? If so you should really address this head-on.

at the very least, next weekend you should leave the kids with him and go off and do something fun.

He's your partner and a family man isn't he? Sunday is family time in my book, and if my family go out then we expect DH to come with since he's part of our family. If your DH is selfish and disrespectful enough to suggest he should stay at home to watch t.v, and you let him, then what next? It's a slippery slope in my eyes.

If I were to go to this BBQ without him, not only would I tell the hosts the truth but the TV remote and the fuse from the plug would be in my handbag. And possibly all the screwdrivers in the house capable of opening the plug.

"He has form for this kind of thing btw."
And he will continue to do this as long as it "pays" him to do so.

I kind of agree with Pictish.

BUT if he does this kind of thing regularly then it's selfish. I had an ex who did it all the time but he was a selfish entitled twat in most other areas too.

You can't MAKE someone do something quite rightly, but he should know what his responsibilities are and if this happens regularly then it's a problem.

pictish I don't think it is a trifle.

Her DH obviously knows that she can't leave the children behind - the baby is EBF and the toddler is really looking forward to going.
He knows that the OP really wants to go.

So either she goes with the children and he gets to have his peace and quiet, or she stays at home and misses out on something she wanted to do.

It is nasty, low-level bullying designed to show that he is more important than her.

OP I hope you have given him a talking to and that you are all on your way.

There is a lot of motor racing going today. DP and I are recording the motogp, world superbikes, British superbikes and the touring cars. We aren't going out anywhere especially, but realise as we have 2 kids, it's not practical to base our lives around sport we want to watch when there are other things that need doing during the day. We'll be watching the recordings over the next few nights.

And let's face it, the chances of finding out the touring car results are zilch as no news programs are interested in it, so he an easily watch another time if recorded. (unlike motogp which we will have to watch this evening and remain in a news free cocoon from 2 pm onwards )

I agree with athinginyourlife.

He said he will go, by backing out now it makes your life harder and he is being unfair. He knows this because he is offering to make it up with housework.

I would tell the hosts the truth.

I would just tell him that he is responsible for the 3 year old this afternoon, and that if he stays home, she will be there too and he will have to explain to her why he won't take her.

Don't know what EBF is; XW used to express, and then later we went bottle so that was easier.

If I'd said I was stopping in (and some parties/does are a pain) I'd have been delighted to have my kids... [but then I've never seen the importance of watching sport live right now]

I would go along and accidentally drink too much wine meaning I couldn't drive and so he had to come and pick me up afterwards.

I would.

Puppy are you me?

OMC - EBF = exclusively breast fed - she said it would be 4 feeds the 5 month old would need, she's not got time to express 4 feed worth as he's just sprung this on her. (A lot of BF babies just won't take formula at 5 months)

OP - I agree you tell him you will be telling people he just can't be arsed. The general conversation will be about what a tosser he is and how everyone feels sorry for you, or would he prefer you to lie and why exactly should you do it? also, he's in charge of 3year old this afternoon, he can bring her to the party that she wants to go to, or keep her at home with him. And put TV on god channel then take the TV remote with you

In answer to your original question. No, don't lie. I have rocked up solo to events and said with simple honesty, 'sorry, dh is sulking at home and won't leave the house'

Before anyone says leave the bastard, in his defence he does have mh issues, and a social phobia.

But he is prone to a sulk.

Tell him that you will be telling them the truth about why he isn't there.

If he's ok with that, fine. If he's not - he has the choice to come.

There's no reason you should lie for him.

But haven't we all committed to something and then when it's come along, we've just not felt like it? I know I have. I bet you all have too.

The difference is, if you are a considerate person, you accept that you have committed yourself and you go because you realise it's not fair to let people down.

I would be forcing him to go its not fair that you have to struggle with 2 children because he fancys watching tv. The only reason I say this as you both told the 3 year old about it and I presume he said he would go