to think that my Mother is manipulative and passive aggressive?

[lowfatiscrap12]

in a nutshell so I don't have to drip feed:

I have three children and live about 230 miles away from my Mother. My sisters both live locally to her and see her daily. And even if they see her in the daytime, they phone her every evening at the same time. I'm not as attentive as that. I phone her regularly (a few times a week) but not daily. And obviously I can't visit her daily either as we live over 200 miles away!
She never phones me. She expects her daughters to phone her. So despite the fact that it's the summer holidays and we have three children (the youngest of which is 9 months old) she gets huffy if I go more than 48 hours without phoning her. We go up there regularly, probably about 8-12 weekends a year minimum. And she comes here for the odd week. She doesn't ask or offer to visit. I suggest it, buy her train ticket etc..(she's on a low income)
She's in her late 70's, retired.
So the big issue at the moment is that we haven't left the elder two (9 and 12) there for a week in the summer holidays. My Mum 'wants to get to know my granddaughters properly' and wants us to stay for a week. We used to go up there for a week (usually dh would drop us there one weekend, pick us up the next) but after 48 hours my Mother (assisted by wine) would get increasingly snippy, bad tempered and difficult.

She's quite old school with children, thinks they should be seen and not heard, should fit in with what the parents do. Arranging activities for the children is an alien concept. She doesn't have transport, so would be reliant on my sisters, when they were there, to leave the house and go anywhere. My eldest daughter in particular, now she is 12, wants to hang out with her friends during the holidays. She finds my Mother hard to be around sometimes, and the thought of me leaving her there, without me, is not nice. I wouldn't be confident doing that. (but would love the peace and quiet!)
I've skirted around the issue and said that we'll come up for long weekends as the girls have lots of activities going on here (which is true, and they've already missed a fortnight of those when we went on holiday) and invited her here.

But she keeps going on about it. When I asked her if she'd like to come and visit here for a week or so, because there's more room, and all the girls belongings here, and I'd send her the train ticket etc. she got huffy and said 'but I want you to stay here for a week'. It's a small house, we have to bring our very small friendly dog (who spends far too much time in a crate because my Mother is worried about getting fur etc. on furniture, despite her dog being free range)

I'm sick of the passive aggressive shit. It's exhausting. My sisters are a tough act for me to live up to. I don't see her daily, phone her daily. They can do this because they live around the corner.I phone about three or four times a week. She doesn't phone me. I think I'll always be the disloyal daughter who dared to move away.

I feel a bit disappointed frankly. Mothers arn't supposed to be like this, are they?

In what way charlottehere?

This sounds a bit like my family tbh. Neither of my parents are like this, but as I was the one who moved away the rest of the family like to butt in and say how I don't go up enough or call enough, blah blah blah. It all stems from my sister who makes a load of crap up, and eventually I'll get upset from hearing all this and talk to my mother about it. Then my mother confirms she's not upset, she knows we live away and she'd love to be able to see me and the kids more but cant, we talk at least twice a week, if they're stuggling with money I always call them straight back and she generally then moans that (despite my sister living 10 mins walk away) she sees and talks to me more often!

Why are family's so fricking odd?

thanks everyone.
A few of you asked what my sisters think.
My middle sister, who has no children, is nothing but supportive. She's had her own issues with Mum, and it was she who suggested short visits cos it doesn't give prickly situations long to develop. She understands how I feel and both she and her partner have expressed concern at Mum looking after any future children they may have. My younger sister....well, she's mellowed with age and motherhood, but is very much what the Americans refer to as an 'enabler'. It would take me about three sheets of A4 to explain, but I haven't got the time. I suspect she's fed negative nuggets to my Mother in the past, not so much now. She's very shouty and old fashioned with her dc's, just like Mum. Despite this, even she has objected to the physical stuff, like my Mother pulling her dd's hair to get her attention or discipline her.

YANBU

If you can't cope with staying with her for a week then no way should you be inflicting that on your girls. Use the MN phrase 'That doesn't work for us, but perhaps you'd like to come down here instead', and repeat ad nauseum.

You don't exist to please her - although that appears to be her take on it. Children grow up and leave home. They have their own families and lives - phoning every 48 hrs is ridiculous - unless you're very close and WANT to!!! Was she very controlling when you were a child? My parents live in another country, and even when I was a child at boarding school, I only spoke to them once a week! Doesn't mean I don't love them, but that we each had our own lives, and once a week for half an hour was plenty of time to share news etc.

At her age the train journey may be a bit much, but if it is, then she shouldn't be being left alone to look after children.