to think that my Mother is manipulative and passive aggressive?

[lowfatiscrap12]

in a nutshell so I don't have to drip feed:

I have three children and live about 230 miles away from my Mother. My sisters both live locally to her and see her daily. And even if they see her in the daytime, they phone her every evening at the same time. I'm not as attentive as that. I phone her regularly (a few times a week) but not daily. And obviously I can't visit her daily either as we live over 200 miles away!
She never phones me. She expects her daughters to phone her. So despite the fact that it's the summer holidays and we have three children (the youngest of which is 9 months old) she gets huffy if I go more than 48 hours without phoning her. We go up there regularly, probably about 8-12 weekends a year minimum. And she comes here for the odd week. She doesn't ask or offer to visit. I suggest it, buy her train ticket etc..(she's on a low income)
She's in her late 70's, retired.
So the big issue at the moment is that we haven't left the elder two (9 and 12) there for a week in the summer holidays. My Mum 'wants to get to know my granddaughters properly' and wants us to stay for a week. We used to go up there for a week (usually dh would drop us there one weekend, pick us up the next) but after 48 hours my Mother (assisted by wine) would get increasingly snippy, bad tempered and difficult.

She's quite old school with children, thinks they should be seen and not heard, should fit in with what the parents do. Arranging activities for the children is an alien concept. She doesn't have transport, so would be reliant on my sisters, when they were there, to leave the house and go anywhere. My eldest daughter in particular, now she is 12, wants to hang out with her friends during the holidays. She finds my Mother hard to be around sometimes, and the thought of me leaving her there, without me, is not nice. I wouldn't be confident doing that. (but would love the peace and quiet!)
I've skirted around the issue and said that we'll come up for long weekends as the girls have lots of activities going on here (which is true, and they've already missed a fortnight of those when we went on holiday) and invited her here.

But she keeps going on about it. When I asked her if she'd like to come and visit here for a week or so, because there's more room, and all the girls belongings here, and I'd send her the train ticket etc. she got huffy and said 'but I want you to stay here for a week'. It's a small house, we have to bring our very small friendly dog (who spends far too much time in a crate because my Mother is worried about getting fur etc. on furniture, despite her dog being free range)

I'm sick of the passive aggressive shit. It's exhausting. My sisters are a tough act for me to live up to. I don't see her daily, phone her daily. They can do this because they live around the corner.I phone about three or four times a week. She doesn't phone me. I think I'll always be the disloyal daughter who dared to move away.

I feel a bit disappointed frankly. Mothers arn't supposed to be like this, are they?

X-posts. I meant your 14:27 post.

even without the extra information, I don't think its unreasonable to phone my mother 4 times a week and visit about ten weekends a year. And I do think its unreasonable for her not to make any reciprocal contact. Is it normal for a mother never to phone her daughter?

'But she keeps going on about it.'

Broken record technique - just keep repeating whatever solution you're comfortable with. 'Yes, mum, when are you coming down?'

Sounds like she doesn't want to lose the matriarch slot.

And ffs, ringing every day!

well you had me with 'she gets loopy after a couple of glasses of wine at lunch'. I may be projecting my own experience on to your mother here, but no way would I leave my daughter alone with someone for a week who is in their 70s and is affected that way by alcohol.

YANBU

How many times a week does she have a glass of wine with her lunch? Even if it was once a week I would not leave my child with someone who gets verbally abusive after drinking, ever.

What do your sister's say?

Am I the only Mnetter who doesn't phone her Mother daily? Please tell me I'm not.

Lowfat, Id suggest reposting in relationships. The fact your mother smacked your children - and your response to that - might be a place to start I would have severed ties then tbh

lowfatiscrap12 No you are not being unreasonable and im going by what you said in your first post. Though ive read the rest of the thread too.

Why would it be a problem if you had "a discussion about it"? Go ahead and have that discussion. Phone her and tell her exactly why you don't want to stay for a week or leave your children with her. If she screams at you, put the phone down. If she goes off in a huff, enjoy the peace. If she compares you to your sisters, remember they're jealous that you got away.

Seriously, tell her how you feel. If she moans that you're not behaving exactly as she wants, tell her why. You don't have to lie down and take it, you're not 5 any more and she can't hit you now.

My mother goes on like that too with the expectations, one of many reasons i am not in contact with her now.

In answer to your questions, tell your mum what you want from her. Phone her and tell her you are hurt that she never phones you, and you expect her to make the next call. Then don't call again till she does. That would be one solution. Or, you might want to stop and realise you are lucky. There are women who would kill for the joy of knowing they aren't going to get a daily phonecall from their mothers. At the moment you have total control over when you talk to her, so you might want to count your blessings ...

FWIW, dh talks to his mum on the phone once a week or less. We spend a lot of time with his parents, because they are nice and we like them and they like us and we enjoy each others company. And we don't spend any time with mine, because they are not nice.

I would have said YANBU on the basis of your first post alone.

She sounds self-involved and controlling. And, based on your subsequent posts, like an erratic and aggressive drunk.

Decide how much contact you are comfortable with, and stick to it. You don't need to justify yourself to her.

I want to tell her Bertha, believe me. I've tried in the past. And it always leads to a year or two of no communication. I'm trying to ignore ignore ignore so I can keep the lines of communication open. I guess there's no easy answer, is there? but it feels good to rant

Going by your first post alone, YANBU. She isn't lonely if your sisters are attentive and you phone regularly. Just because you dont do it enough for her, tough. I think you are being perfectly reasonably, you phone her, you visit and she is welcome to visit you, whats her problem?

I'm interested to know how telephone communication goes between other adult daughters and their Mums? Do they phone their Mothers several times a week and Mum never phones them?

OP, I'm on your side for the poor dog's sake, let alone your Mother's bad behaviour!

It sounds like it would be a week from Hell and I wouldn't do it without bribing my kids with a lovely treat at the end of it and putting the dog in kennels - but the first time she smacked or shouted at my kids, I'd be out of there.

I rarely ring my mother as she lives overseas but she texts me up to 10 times a day, more if she's angry about something or other

Ohh xposted with loads of others

Not unreasonable not to want to call your parents every day - I'd personally not visit mine daily even if they did live round the corner.

The relationship she has with her other siblings is independent of the one she has with you, just because your sisters are happy to have a certain level of contact, doesn't mean you have to do the same. If you don't want to visit for a week or leave your DDs there for a week (and them thinking it would be more boring than being at home is a perfectly valid reason, with or without smacking), then you dont have to just because your sisters leave their DCs with her/she sees more of the other DGC.

You are an adult, she doesn't get to decide the terms of your relationship anymore, if you don't want to speak with her/stay with her as regularly as she wants, you don't have to, it's not like she's being left alone if she's having daily contact with 2 other adult DCs.

If she wants a good relationship with your DDs, then she needs to be nice to them when she is with them, seeing them more regularly won't improve the relationship if she doesn't treat them well. The fact they don't want to go suggests they wouldn't particularly benefit from the time with her, so it would be for her benefit, not your DDs that you'd be doing this. As a mother, your priority is making your DCs life as good as possible, not your mother's. If she was lonely, or frail, or struggling to cope, then it would be worth sacrificing a little of your DD's happiness to improve your mothers, but that's not the case here.

Do what is best for your DDs and as long as you are having weekly calls with your mother and are certain that she's being spoken to/visited daily, then stop worrying. (Would add the caveat that you should make sure you speak to your Sisters regularly to make sure they are happy your mum is ok)

I personally think YANBU. You have offered a solution that fits everyone (train tickets) yet your mother refuses. I get the impression that she simply thinks as the mother of grown daughters, she does not have to make any effort, the onus is on all of you.

Since you asked: I currently speak to my mother once or twice a month; my family live back in California while I was the one sister who moved far, far away I don't have children yet - perhaps we will speak more often when I do. I can't ever imagine talking every other day though! Also - I have lived in the UK for 5 years now, and I have visited my parents twice, and they have visited me twice. They are in their mid 60s.

My mum lives around the corner and I ring her often because Im a terrible gossip.

My brother lives in England and they speak once a week, taking it in turns to phone. She would never expect him to phone more often and we usually only see him and his DCs once a year, but we all still have a good relationship. Children enjoying their grandparents company is more important than seeing them all the time. My MIL sees my DDs evey other saturday but their relationship with her is poor because of she way she interacts (or doesnt) with them.

oh and in answer to your question, I speak to my parents about once a week when they are in the UK, when they are at their holiday home in France (about 1/3 of the year) I text my dad usually about once/twice a week (but there is no point calling them there as they don't have an answering machine on their french phone and are never in the house with their busy social life)

You mother isn't sad enough about seeing her grandaughters to come to their home and see them for a week - thats the part that doesn't ring true.

If she wants to see them and spend a week with them - well she can come and visit and see them in their own home with their own dog getting their own furniture fluffy and relax with a cup of tea when she gets home to her own little pad on her return which will be spotless.

I think it's the expectation that pulls me further away from her. Which is kind of ironic because that's the opposite of what she says she wants. It results in me doing things as a chore, a duty, not a pleasure. The more she tries to control things, the more I run away.

For what it's worth I think you're a saint for calling your mother as often as 4 times a week. I call my mum about 4 times a year. She's like your mum in that she expects us to call her, and never picks up the phone herself. Hence the low volume of calls! Simple really.

YANBU, even without the smacking issues. You have your own life ffs, a large family and your own prorities. You don't have to pander to her, especially as she won't compromise or make an effort herself. Stick to your guns and try not to feel too guilty!

I don't think YANBU. Being around someone with a drink problem is no fun and you and your daughters should not be expected to put up with it. It sounds like your mother has been a PITA for a long time and I don't blame you for a second for wanting to put yourself and your family first.

I rarely visit my mother and get passive aggressive digs all the time about it. She is currently hinting that my DH is out of order for not dropping everything & making the 3 hour round trip to change her lightbulb. She used to visit here and my DH was expected to taxi her here and back. The last time she came she was drinking at 3am in bed so I resolved then not to have her back for the sake of my sanity.
There comes a point when you have to put your own feelings and wellbeing first. Whatever your siblings do is of no consequence to how you feel OP and how you need to handle your mother.

My mother phones me every day and if I don't answer will phone every half an hour until wine o'clock begins. I sympathise with the expectation put on you by your mother to phone several times a week. I feel like my mother feels like I am on this earth for her convenience.

that's exactly how I feel Pout, like I'm here for her